depression

[danielgr]

I know we have all been there when you feel like the whole world against you. The back pain is the worse and you just feel like shit. Well that day is here today. I just try to say to myself that better days are coming and I will get past it. It seems I have been feeling this way more and more lately. I don't know if it's the season change or getting older in my life. I work full time and I worry about how long I will be able to do so. I see some people on here that are 50+ and still working. I just don't know if I will be able to go that long (I'm 35 now). I have been injured for 10 years now. I had all the high hopes of walking again my first 5 years and after that I feel I keep hearing the same story (cure will be here in 5-10 years). I don't want to spoil anyone hopes on walking again because I know that thought is what got me through my first 5 years, but my hopes are not as high as they were 7 years ago. As everyday passes I feel I'm getting closer to death and all my future memories will be in this chair. I miss my past life and it's hard not to think about that. The day of my accident there is no doubt that a part of me die, the man in me is what died. It's hard to be a real man when you are in a chair and you can't stand up for yourself. That kills my self esteem. I know tomorrow will probably be a better day and I will get past this, but I just wanted to write how I feel, I use to come on here before when I felt down and out to read about how some people in my position feel the same way I was feeling. Well today no one had anything for me to read, so I figure it was my turn to write one. I feel better already. Thanks guys for everything because this web site is what makes this injury easier to deal with. The real answers are here.

[SoFla]

Sorry you had a bad day. Trust me, tomorrow will be better. If not, then depend that the next day will be.

[ala]

I have been in this chair for almost 15 years, and I did have some of the same feelings your having about myself. In the hospital, it was hard for me to feel like a man; you definitely learn humility--heaps and heaps of humility. I was in a halo-vest, so a nurse would have to wash me and do my bowel stuff. Having a nurse stick her finger up your ass so you can crap is certainly a lesson in humility. Or, how about when your working with a pretty young PT and your wearing a diaper; and then, you have to tell her you have to go back to your room because baby made a boom boom. Yeah, it sucks to be a man with a SCI sometimes.

But I learned that I'm still me. Oh sure, the container is a little battered up but it's still me inside--always.

I'm lucky. I live in Florida. There are a lot of old-fart men down here. I'll bet some of them are still wearing diapers (I don't anymore), and from what I've seen I can get around better and run circles around them. They're always asking about my chair when they see me at my car. They envy MY mobility.

There are always people worse off than you, if that makes you feel better. As for me, I just keep pushing on--a man with wheels now.

[robeec]

but you're a para...why not just focus on the stuff you can do--there's a lot you know? a big hurdle for many upper-quadriplegics is getting personal care; you have this covered by yourself. the rest is cake and how sweet you make it. i ain't trying to be a dick either. you play the hand you're dealt, and at least you can hold your own cards--you remember you have control.
rob

[marielea]

i have bad days like yours to, more often thank not, actually. every morning when i wake up i hope i just had a nightmare, and that i can really walk. and every day i'm disappointed with reality. i don't like to leave my acreage b/c i feel safe and normal here. i don't like to go in public b/c i stick out like a sore thumb. i miss my old life, i miss it terribly. its hard for me to fess up that this really happened to me. i feel like this can't be, this wasn't suppose to happen. i can't be paralized, no way. i feel like i'm just putting in my time. i don't expect to find a soul mate, and i've come to terms that the fairy tale is over. i am thankful for my family and close friends, the ones i let into my life. i am also thankful for everyone on here who's in the same boat i'm in. although my family tries to understand, they just can't. you can't understand what i'm going through w/out being in this chair. they can't understand the humility of waking up in a puddle of piss, or crapping your pants, having to stick your finger in your ass to crap, or your independence being non existant, having all of your dreams and goals out of reach...impossible now. it'll be a year in november, since the real me died in my accident. i feel like a shell now. i'm still here in body, but my soul and heart are gone. everyone says it'll get better, but it won't. not unless i can walk again. it might get easier to do things, but it won't make me whole again. it can't. i just take one day at a time, and hope tomorrow i won't have any accidents or problems. i just put my time in, and live each day.
i understand how you feel, i truely understand, not just saying it. its good to let your feelings out. i can't make your pain go away, but i can listen to your problems and be here for you. there is nothing i can say to make it all go away, and nothing i can do. just take a deep breath, and continue to live each day. its good to let your feelings out. i'll be here to listen.

[ima2003]

Danielgr
I Truly Know How You Feel Today. I Cannot Begin To Tell You How Often I Have Visited This Site Feeling Like You Only To Be In Awe Of The Real Life Emotions Being Shared By Others Who Understand The Life We Live. I Am Grateful Each Time I Am At My Lowest That There Is Someone Like You Who Has Put Words To My Own Pain And Saddness. I Hope It Was Helpful To You To Post On This Site...i know It Was Helpful To Me. Thanks

[danielgr]

Thank all of you for replying to my post. It makes feel so much better having people truly understands how I feel. And marielea, you said things that hits the nail right on the head, thank you..

[darrel]

marielea, thank you for your true feelings, I am a C6 inomplete will be two years in jan. what you wrote is why I got on line. to meet and chat with people who know and feel the same way. I admit that I skim threw a couple of sights and I kid around alot but there are those that I do stop and take the time to drop a heart felt line with. I hope that I will read some of your posts/threads more often. you just brought hope back to me. thank you again... darrel

[mimin]

hey, sorry u're having one of those days, i post abt mine too and it also makes me feel much better. i hear that u feel like less of a man in the chair, but for what it's worth, i'm sure most ppl don't look at you as less of a man. i would be just as nervous if i met u on the street as i am of any other man, haha

[mimin]

wanted to add: maybe playing some contact sports will make you feel more manly? those w/c b-ballers are pretty rough!
and who knows, maybe by the time you're 50, u can retire early and travel the world