Memories

[Shannon]

I've asked this question here before, but with all the new people, I'm going to ask again. If you are SCI caused from an accident, do you remember your accident and do you wish you did, or did not, remember?

I remember absolutely nothing. I wish I did remember. I think.

[CurlieQCarrie]

I remember, and it's kind of a mixed thing with my situation. Remembering the actual wreck, the sounds, lights, witnesses, panic, ambulance ride, my guy friend's bleeding face who was trying to help me. All that stuff scares me at times, and it's because I can still see these things in my mind like it was yesterday.

I said 'mixed' because the girl who was driving (who was my best friend at the time) told many different instances of what actually happened to take the blame off of herself. Even now, two years later, she continues to tell people false stories. So I guess that setting people straight about it is the one good thing that remembering has gotten me.

[Shannon]

So Carrie, if it weren't for your ex-friend telling false stories, do you think you would rather not have those memories?

I'm just really trying to decide if I should pursue recovering that information, or if it would be better to not have those images in my head.

[CurlieQCarrie]

I like knowing for myself what happened so I guess I am glad that I remember, even though it's scary. I wouldn't someone else telling me what happened and having to fill in the blanks.

I hope you find what you're looking for in the situation of your accident. I hope that it brings you some closure.

[Raven]

Although I prefer to not remember all of it. I used to remember a lot right after the accident but slowly began to forget. I asked my doctor why this was happening and he said it was more likely that my mind didn't want to remember all of those things. He told me that if I saw that I didn't remember some things, to leave it alone. He said he believed that it was probably my minds' way of dealing with them and most likely too traumatic for me too.

I do recall that at first it was very hard to talk about what happened. Recalling the events I had memories that would only upset me a lot. Used to re-live what happened and recalled. Just about felt that I was going to lose my mind with those memories. The sound of the ambulance siren would send me into tears. It was very hard for me to deal with them so therefore I decided to just push them out of my mind.

Shannon, to my way of seeing things it is pretty surprising you want to know or recall all that trauma you must have gone through. I think those things are way too painful for me to deal with and prefer leaving well enough alone. I feel that what happened is done and over with to a certain degree. I don't want to re-live that again. For me what is important now is the present and what I would like for my future to be or at least wish it would be. I hope that within my lifetime, I will see and possibly enjoy walking or betterment and paralysis disappear forever from everyone's life. But if you need to do this, I do hope you find out the facts and that you can do better than I have been able to. Best wishes.

Raven

[carbar]

Hello Shannon, I have been reading your other thread with a lot of interest but didn't really know how to offer any advice on your search for the truth of the accident. It is very complicated.
I am T4 complete as a result of a motorbike accident in March 2000. I have no memory at all of immediately before the accident, the accident itself, nor the next 3 days. It is very strange. My husband was driving the bike and I was pillion. I know that he has some memories of the accident (before & after) but he will never ever talk about it. He just wants to shut the whole thing out. I have police reports and witness reports but they are just objective, about the positions of vehicles, speed, impact etc, nothing really about the two of us. I know from the diagrams that I went one way with the bike and my husband went another way. I was also told that I remained conscious because in the ambulance I gave my sister's name & number and some other details. It all amazes me because I was very badly bashed up but apparently I was quite talkative - I suppose shock and the fact that I couldn't feel anything because of the fracture was keeping most of the pain away. Once in intensive care I think I was so heavily sedated that no memories will come back of those couple of days, save what my brother & sister told me.
I don't mean to ramble on with all my details, but I do feel for you and can understand your wanting to get to grips to just what happened, not just for your own injury but for the two other girls as well.
What little my husband spoke about the accident was shortly after it happened. As time goes on he is even more closed about it; so I have just learned to let it go. But of course, as this post shows, it never goes away completely - there is always a big question mark, a void in time, that changed my life forever.

[Diamond Downs]

Shannon,

I really believe that if you can't handle remembering, you won't be able to. At least that's how it's worked for me remembering traumatic things from the past. There's some kind of self protection mechanism in our brains that does not allow us to open up memories we're not ready to deal with. Just my opinion but it seems you really are ready to find out now and you at least owe it to yourself to try. There's nothing wrong with being scared, that's just a normal emotion when it comes to traumatic events. Sometimes for me it's more a fear of the unknown and the truth turns out to be far less scary than my imagination.

In any event, do what you need to do to get some peace of mind on this subject.

Jewel

[Sim]

Originally Posted by Shannon

If you are SCI caused from an accident, do you remember your accident and do you wish you did, or did not, remember?

I remember absolutely nothing. I wish I did remember. I think.

I remember 2 small details: before the accident, fiddling with the radio/tape deck. After the accident, somebody's hand. I don't know whose hand it was: probably my best friend's, who was driving, or possibly one of the people who responded to the accident.

For years, I tried desperately to remember any other details I could. I wanted to remember the last moments of my friend's life, as well as any clues that might "clear him", so to speak. The accident occurred on a rural road on a winter night and there were no known witnesses. The accident report blamed it on driver error, citing such factors as speed and the possibility of a distracted driver. I know it wasn't a matter of speed. My best friend was a good and cautious driver and always drove the speed limit (to the point of it being a joke among his friends) and I seriously doubt that he was distracted by anything in the car. He had restored a VW bug that was his pride and joy and didn't take any chances while driving.

My guess as to what happened is that he was trying to avoid something in the road, such as an oncoming car or an animal. I still wish I could remember more of what happened, but it's no longer as important to me as it used to be. It won't bring him back and I suspect that my brain has blocked those memories for a good reason.

Sim

[maryonwheels46]

It took me two years to remember. I remember right before I flipped over in my truck. I guess I was knocked out. I don't remember the first six weeks in ICU, woke up one time for them to tell me I was parylized. I remember all the family and friends and all the prayers.

[DA]

i remember the exact milli-second of paralysis. it felt like a bolt of lightning through your body. it's not a bad memory for me. living all these years as a quad is something i want to forget.