Etiquette tips

[DA]

how do a quad hold utensil properly?
how do a vent quad be fed properly?


Table manners

o You'll get in more trouble for doing something "gross" than minor mistakes

o Eat quietly

§ Sound effects are undesirable

· Don't slurp or belch

· This is not an organ recital -- try to avoid bodily noises

§ It's polite to say something nice about the food

o Once you put food in your mouth, people don't want to see it again

§ Chew with your mouth closed (no noise)

· Take small enough bites so that this is possible

§ Don't talk with food in your mouth

· If someone asks you a question, it's OK to wait until you've swallowed your food to respond

o If you're not sure what to do, watch the people around you

o Say "excuse me" if you need to leave the table (like to go to the bathroom)

o Don't grab food

o Don't put stuff (like purse, keys, papers) on the table

o Keep all the legs of your chair on the ground

o Sit reasonably still (not squirming or fidgeting)

o If you can't eat some of the food that's served, it depends on the setting

§ At a restaurant, it's OK to just not eat it without saying anything.

§ If a friend has cooked something, it might be good to politely explain why you aren't eating it (medical, etc).

§ Sharing saliva is considered unsanitary.

· With dip/sauce, put a little on your plate, if possible.

· It's very bad to bite into something and then dip it into a shared food source.

o It's considered impolite to use a toothpick at the table. Trying to extract something with your fingers is worse.

o Blowing your nose at the table is undesirable.

o In casual settings, people are sometimes pickier about what they'll talk about at the table than in other situations.

o Formal setting

§ Getting seated

· Plate is in center

· Knives and spoons on right

· Fork(s) left

· Drinks right (DRink = "Drink Right")

· Solids (like bread plate) left

· Expect food to be served from the right and cleared from the left

· The waiter may pull your chair out for you if you are female

· Napkin in lap, never on shirt

· If you're male, don't put your tie over your shoulder

§ Bread

· Take only one slice at a time

· It's OK to use hands if you do it neatly

· To butter bread, take a small amount from the dish and put it on your plate.

· Butter one piece at a time?

§ Utensils

· A good rule is "work your way in from the outside."

· Be logical -- you wouldn't eat soup with a knife

· If you aren't sure, look at the people around you

· Americans often switch fork between hands, but not required

o When cutting, knife - RH, fork LH

o When eating, fork - RH

· Don't let a utensil you've used touch the table

· Don't put the entire soup spoon into your mouth

· When you're resting, put utensils on the plate in an "X" pattern

o Fork bottom on left

o Knife bottom on right

o Napkin still in lap

· When you're done, put utensils on the plate in "eleven o'clock position"

o Utensils parallel

o Bottom right - top left

o Points facing away from you

o Wait until everyone is finished to put napkin next to your plate

§ Loosely, not twisted, crumpled, or refolded

§ Not on chair

§ General

· Sit up straight

· Passing food

o If someone asks for something to be passed, only reach for it if you are the closest to it

o Pass to your neighbor

o (Avoid reaching across someone because of the personal space thing).

o If you decide you want some too, you have to pass it first and then ask that it be passed back to you

o Never throw anything

o If someone asks for salt or pepper, pass both

o Only add condiments to food on your own plate, not shared food

o Don't add salt or pepper before tasting food

· Spills

o Try to do "damage control" (preventing stuff from spilling on other people)

o If you spill something on someone else

§ DON'T touch them (personal space again) -- let them clean it up

§ Apologize

§ Offer to pay for dry cleaning

· Fingers

o Watch others' lead

o If in doubt, be conservative and use a utensil

· Try to eat at the same pace as people around you

· Wait until everyone else has their food before you start eating

· Avoid alcohol

· Don't order the most expensive item or dessert unless your host encourages it

· Don't ask for doggy bags in a formal setting

· If you drop your silverware, pick it up if possible, and ask server for replacement. DON'T reuse it (gross)

o Choice of food

· Not difficult or messy

· Easy to digest

o Alcohol

· Safety

o Assault risk

o DUI

· Increased risk of social blunders

o Less awareness of situation

o You only think you're being more personable

o Caffeine

· Limit at interviews

· May increase nervousness

· Body Language

o Eyes

· Should make some eye contact

o Between 1/3 and 2/3 of the time

· Staring violates space

· If you aren't talking with a person, it is best not to look at them.

· Generally look at person when they are speaking to you

· The face is the most polite place to look

o If you have trouble hearing, watching the lips sometimes helps

o Avoid looking at a man's groin or a woman's chest

o Personal Space

· Variable, not closer than arm's length with someone you don't know well

· Generally, people stand somewhat closer for long conversations so they can talk quietly

· Too close

o Other person backs away, seems uncomfortable

· Too far

o Trouble hearing each other, need to raise voice

· Be careful about coming up behind people

o This can make them nervous if they didn't realize you were there

o If you're running, "On your right/left" can be good

· Touch

o Risky with people you don't know

o If you have to get someone's attention, tapping the shoulder is the safest place.

o The shoulder, outer arm (away from the body), upper back are relatively safe

o Shaking hands

· Firm but not tight grip. Considered normal greeting in U.S. If you aren't familiar with it, practice with someone who is.

· Consideration

§ Don't block passages, doorways, roads, etc.

§ "Excuse me" is a way of acknowledging someone else's space

§ Don't leave lipstick smears on anything

§ Not everyone will like your perfume or cologne. Don't apply it with a garden hose.

§ To get rid of gum, wrap in wrapper and throw it in trash.

§ Don't assault people's senses.

· If you're in a shared room, check with others before changing the thermostat

· Keep your voice down if people around you need to concentrate

· Play music quietly, especially at night and early in the morning.

· Many people don't like to breathe cigarette smoke.

o Never smoke in a "No Smoking" area.

o Ask permission before lighting up at someone's house.

· Musical instruments can be very hard to ignore - be considerate.

§ Be aware of people around you; don't step right in front of someone.

§ Keep to the right when you're walking or using the road

§ Let other people get off a bus or elevator before you get on

· Gestures

§ Avoid

· Offensive

o Extended middle finger (means "fuck you")

o Forearm jerk (= "up yours?")

o Tongue extended from mouth

o Anything related to sex or race

· Not impressive

o Nervous or "weird"

§ Hands in mouth

§ Nailbiting

§ Fidgeting

§ Wringing hands

§ Pulling at hair, eyelashes, or eyebrows

§ Rocking

§ "Thousand-yard stare"

o Gross

§ Nose picking

§ Scratching underarms

§ Hands touching groin area

§ Picking teeth

§ Excessive head scratching (may suggest lice)

§ Messing with scabs, blemishes, scars

· Conflict Resolution

o Use "I" language.

o Dealing with rude people

· Don't take the bait

· Their problem, not yours

· Rude remarks

o Just stare at them

o Say, "Could you please repeat that?"

o Avoid fighting words and categorical comments

o Allow people to "save face."

· Conversation

o Starting

o Showing interest

· Don't interrupt

· Match others

o Choice of Topics

· Good

o Current events

o Neutral topics

· Risky

o Varies with group, sometimes hard to gage.

§ Be careful with this if you have social problems

§ Playing it safe is better

§ Don't be the first person to "cross a line"

o Offensive

§ Racial slurs

§ Categorical comments

§ Derogatory remarks, especially if you're not sure who's listening or whether they'll be repeated

o Overly personal

§ Sex life

§ Medical issues

§ Some bodily functions

· Associated with bathroom

· Specific to one gender

§ Family/relationship problems

§ Consider whether what you say might be repeated

o Disturbing

§ People think, "I don't want to hear this."

§ Graphic

§ Violence/abuse <![endif]>

§ Unhealthy behavior

§ Depressing

o Strong feelings

§ Religion

· More sensitive with very religious people

§ Abortion

· No easy answers

§ Capital punishment

o Awkward

§ Money

o Appropriate Questions

· Intrusive is bad

o Weight/size

o Sexual behavior

o Marriage/family

o "Interrogation"/lots of questions

o Inappropriate interest in person

§ Makes person wonder why you'd want to know that

o Money

§ Even if salary is a matter of public record, don't discuss

§ Often bad to ask how much something cost

· Loaded is also bad

o Only one "right" answer

o Manipulative and irritating

· Good idea to take lead from other person

o Ask questions about what they're talking about

o Questions should reflect actually listening

· Generally OK

o "How's it going?"

o "What happened at the game last night?"

o Be careful not to repeat "safe" questions too often - this will also sound strange

o Include everyone

· Use a language that everyone can understand

o If you don't, others may assume you can't speak their language

o Avoid jargon or slang that may be unfamiliar to some

· Topic should be generally interesting

o Don't bore or exclude people

o Explain things so that people with different backgrounds can understand.

o Limit talking about yourself

o Humor

· Ethnic

o People sometimes make jokes about their own ethnic group

o Joking about someone else's ethnic group may make them mad

· Off-color jokes

· Do people know you're joking?

· Religion is sometimes sensitive, if people are very observant

o Volume of voice

· Too quiet = hard to hear

o You're asked to repeat yourself a lot

· Too loud is annoying, especially when people are trying to concentrate

o People turn around and look at you

o Language

· Obscenities or poor grammar makes negative statement about you

· Avoid racial slurs and stereotypes

· "You people" is generally not good

· Honesty

o Lying takes effort

o People with social difficulties already have to work hard to behave appropriately

· Appearance

o Hygiene

· Clean clothes

· Bathing

· Teeth

· Deodorant

· Shave

o Dress

· Appropriate for situation

· Observe others / seek advice

· Avoid

o Poor repair

§ Torn

§ Stained

§ Holes

§ Excessively worn

o Revealing

§ Sheer

§ Tight

§ Low neck

§ High hemline

o Making "statement" with clothes

§ Might not be the one you intend

o Ill-fitting

· Colors

o Neutrals are safest and easiest to match

o Find colors that look good on you

· Shoes

o Comfortable

o If you're prone to falling, probably not high heels

o Good condition

§ Polished, if necessary

§ Not worn around heels

· Knowing What's Going On

o Watch others

· Listen first

· Be aware of "red flags"

o The person will probably talk about you the same way they talk about others

o Doesn't accept responsibility for own behavior

§ "It's her fault that I did this, since she made me angry."

§ "If people let me get away with it, then it's their problem."

o Many more...

· Choose role models carefully

· TV/Media may be misleading

o What's funny on TV might be unacceptable in real life

§ Would it really be a good idea to say "Eat my shorts" to a professor?

o Talk shows rarely features "normal" Americans

§ They succeed because they make viewers feel superior. ("At least I'm not as messed up as these people.")

§ Being willing to discuss extremely personal things on national TV is not typical.

o Violence is not a quick way to solve problems

§ U.S. has less gun control than some other countries, but there are still rules. Law enforcement people get very unfriendly if you break them.

§ In real life, when people slug it out like they do in the movies, they often get arrested.

o Despite what you see in magazines like Cosmopolitan, most people don't approve of adultery.

o Pay attention to reactions

o Seek feedback from people you trust

· Getting around

o Showing up on time

§ Job Interviews

· Try to walk in about 5 minutes early

§ Social

· With parties, varies by region

o In the Midwest, it means, "Don't show up before this time."

· When meeting someone, try to make it on time so they don't have to wait.

o Realistic planning

§ Allow plenty of time

§ Look at maps in advance

§ Know who to call if there's a problem

o When to leave

§ Watch for cues

· Person stands up

· Says less, tone of voice changes

· Says something about having things to do

· Asks if there's anything else

§ Watch others

· Leave party when other people do

· Being the last person to leave may be bad

· Leave when the party is scheduled to end, even if other people are still there

· Communications

· Phone

o 11 AM - 9 PM is usually the safest time

o Calling people at home can be intrusive

§ With professors, coworkers, etc. going to office hours or e-mail are better

§ Limit length of conversation

· Email

o Be considerate about length, volume, and content of e-mail

o Confrontation is better in person than by e-mail

§ Potential for misunderstanding

§ A nasty e-mail seems cowardly

o Don't forward or post without author's permission

o Be aware that what you write can be forwarded (hostile/offensive)

· Websites

o Nothing offensive

§ What impression might it make on a prospective employer?

o Consider your audience and their interests

· Visiting

o Generally, don't go to someone's house unless they invite you.

o For a personal visit, try to show up on time but not early.

o Call if you will be delayed or can't make it so they don't worry.

· People With Disabilities

· Never park in a handicapped space unless you really are disabled and have the tags for your car.

· Talk to the person with the disability, not just others with them

· Don't patronize the person

· Make sure that questions about the disability are polite and respectful. Don't ask inappropriate personal questions.

· Look at them like you'd look at anyone else

§ Not staring

§ Don't avoid looking at them

· If you have a child, let them talk to the person

· If it looks like they might need help, offer. If they decline, respect that.

· If they can't shake hands, nodding or smiling is fine,

· Be genuine.

· People first, disabled second

· If you don't know what to do, ask.

· People with disabilities are interested in the same topics of conversation as non-disabled people

· Respect space

o Don't pat them on the head.

· Move something (like furniture) if it is blocking them

· Get on eye level with person

· Speak in normal voice. Don't raise voice unless they ask you to.

· Shaking hands with the left hand is OK.

· Use first name only if you're addressing everyone else that way.

· Offer to hold or carry packages

· Don't use "normal" to describe people who don't have disabilities.

o It is better to say "people without disabilities" or "typical," if necessary to make comparisons.

· People in wheelchairs

o Terms to avoid

§ Cripple, victim, defect, invalid, sick, diseased, wheelchair bound, handicapped, able-bodied, victim, suffers from, a patient

o Good terms

§ "Uses a wheelchair"

· Don't touch their wheelchair without their permission. This is their space.

· Visually impaired

o Allow a person with a visual impairment to take your arm (around the elbow) so you will guide instead of propel them

o When greeting someone with a visual impairment, identify yourself and people around you

o With more than one person, give verbal cues to indicate who you are speaking to.

o Also, indicate when you are moving from one place to another and when the conversation has ended

o Don't pet or distract a guide dog. The dog is responsible for its owner's safety and is always working. It is not a pet.

· Speech impairment

o Listen attentively

o Encourage, don't correct

o Don't interrupt or try to speak for the person

o Don't pretend to understand if you don't. Try repeating what you think the person said and asking if that's correct

o If necessary, ask questions that can be answered with one word or a shake or nod of the head

· Hearing-impaired

o If the person has an interpreter, speak to and look at the person, not the interpreter

o To get the attention of someone who is hearing-impaired, tap them on the shoulder or wave your hand.

o Don't assume that everyone who is hearing-impaired can lip read.

o If they can, place yourself in good light, and keep hands, cigarettes, etc. away from mouth.

o Shouting won't help; written notes may.

o Don't stand with bright light directly behind you

· Mental/learning/other

o Keep your communication simple. Rephrase comments or questions for better clarity.

o Stay focused on the person as he or she responds to you.

o Allow the person time to tell or show you what he or she wants.

o Terms to avoid

§ the mentally retarded / mentally deficient

§ a retardate / a retard (never)

§ a feeble-minded person

§ Slow

§ the mentally ill

§ crazy, psycho, mental case (never)

§ the Down's person / Mongoloid (never)

[1 Fine Spine RN]

Where did this come from???? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

[starlightangel]

Who is this supposed to be for?

[nate007]

What was the point of that?

[Jeff]

I think DA is lamenting the difficulties we quads have with table manners. Maybe he included the rest of the manners material as a point of reference...

I've attended meals over a two week period where maners were taught and expected. It was difficult for me to comply. I'd rather eat at a table of hicks without manners. Well, maybe not that either.

~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

[DA]

it is for me not to be shame when you back of the woods trailer
park no shoes broke car on the lawn hill billies are on the post
cure cruise.