Assault or not?

[woman from Europe]

I would have been very angry, but never called the police. As a mother I would never filed a rapport on my child who could have destroyed all his future. My oldest is a teacher and my next a nurse and none of them would have been able to continue working and all their education would have been a waste.

But I wonder why he was so angry. My small one has a bad temper and goes in therapy because of it but still I know I must have said or done something really bad before he would attack me.

But you are bringing up the children different than we are. This is exactly one of the reasons it is not legal to hit a child here because they learn it is OK to hit other people for punishment.

[Millard]

Originally Posted by peterf

I think calling the police was a bit too drastic, especially since your life was not in danger. your wife was right in stopping you
no one i know can claim that he never fought or came to blows with their father during our younger rebel years. I too have anger issues related to my injury condition
The police would have made matters worse, i suggest you approch your son at the right moment when calm and have a father son chat, try to find out what's bothering him. it could be case of misplaced anger.

My 3 brothers and I argued often with our Mom and Dad but would absolutely NOT physically touch either in anger.

If you do not get a police report, your son will have a hard time receiving help through anger management treatment. I think he did try to hurt you. If he were trying to intimidate you, he would not have tried three times to hurt you. He appears to be a big baby having tantrums because of a disagreement with you. Just call the police and tell them you would like to file an "Incident Report". Even if he is arrested, it will not ruin his life and if it does stay on his record, so what. He has issues that need to be dealt with before he kills someone. (I am sure Jeffrey Dahmers mother thought he was a good boy and just got in with the wrong crowd!) Doing nothing is much worse for both of you and your future relations and he will never respect you.

Good luck.

[Vixx]

Thank you all for the replies and insight. I know that there are two sides to every story and you are only seeing mine, but its the best I can do. I believe I am telling it as it happened but diffenernt people very often see things differently.

To address some of the questions.

He has always been a good kid and I love him very much.

He is definately not on drugs. This I would bet my life on. However he does have a temper (not often), as do I, but he has never hit me or anyone else. He has never been in a fight or had any discipline issues at all in school, sports or anywhere. In fact he's been a great kid/son. Everyone who knows him, really likes him. He gets along with everyone. I dont have anything bad to say about him at all. He was my best friend too.

Thats' why Im so hurt over this. He is one of the people I would trust with my life and that I live for. Thats why I cant get over that this happened.

The arguement was about money and how its spent and not spent. I was upset and felt ganged up on by my family about decisions I made and was yelling that this is my house and since its my money I have the final say in what to do with it. Dont get me wrong I dont have an iron grip on money. Infact its quite the opposite and thats why I was upset. It wasnt even about giving him money.... he never asks for any and I practically have to force him to take some when offered. So its not like he was spending a lot of money. I was just a discussion about it.

I was wrong to get so upset and say what I did but the argument escalated and I cant change the past. No I dont believe he's bi-polar. He's always happy and joking and doesnt have mood swings

Anyway he goes back to college in a week so the moving out part will happen. And As always I will miss him terribly.

I dont want to ruin his life but I feel like I just lost a big part of mine.

Again thank you all for your thoughts. It helps just to talk about this and actualy have people listen and respond.

I hope and pray that I can move past this, but its a tough one.

[Patton57]

Like some of the others have alluded to it appears that your son missed several key lessons while growing up. Now he has very immature self control skills and is in a man's body and is heading out to face the world.

Be very careful when bringing the authorities into this though. They will lock him up and throw away the key and not lose an ounce of sleep over it. They won't help you raise your child but they will gladly put him away for you and everyone else.

In the future, I would be very careful about letting a situation escalate beyond your control. Sometimes you just have to walk/roll away instead of showing them who is boss right then and there. It's kind of like the US deciding to use economic sanctions against Iran instead of nuking them. Cleaning up the mess and living with the collateral damage can be brutal if you drop the bomb.

The good news is that you're all still there and can work together to fix it if everyone tries.

[DaleB]

Terribly sorry, Vixx. A truly heart wrenching story, never mind the potential (and thankfully avoided!) physical damage.

I think it was violence, and is objectively "assault", legally. I think knowing a call to the police would ruin your son's life shows your wife is at least instinctively aware of this, too.

Your son was not defending himself from being hurt, by you.

Having said that, I wouldn't call the fuzz on account of what happened.

If for no other reason than your wife is probably 100% correct!

It was a shoving match, in effect. Illegal, felonious, yeah...probably.

But not worth it, at all. There is enough of an issue, now, for you guys to work through, already!!

Best of luck, Vixx. It's very unsettling, for all of you, I can only imagine.

Originally Posted by Vixx

Hi all,

I've been a T-6 para for about 10 years, married with two children and Im the sole provider for the family. A few weeks ago I got into a heated argument with my 20 year old son who is home from college for the summer. My wife and teen age daughter were there as well. Like I said it was a heated argument and a one point when I was transfering from a chair to the wheelchair he lunged at me and tried to push me backwards. Since the wheels were locked and the anti-tippers were on the chair, it didint move very much.

When that didnt work he grabbed the front of the chair and lifited it up attempting to filp it over backwards. Again that didnt work. Good thing because there was a brick fireplace hearth behind me. After the first two attempts didnt work he pulled the wheelchair away from the chair I was transfering from and I fell to the floor on my butt. Luckly I was able to keep myself from falling backwards onto the firepalce hearth. He then ran from the room. All the while my teenage daughter was crying hysterically and my wife did try to stop him. Fortunately I wasnt physically hurt.

I reached for my phone and called 911. My wife was trying to stop me, pleading for me not to call the police as it would ruin his life. She was trying to grab the phone from my hand and I pushed (maybe slapped) her hand away. I stopped when 911 answered and didnt report it. She now claims thats that I assaulted her when I pushed her hand away as she was attempting to take the phone away from me.

He has a temper and in the past has put a hole in his bedroom wall and the kitchen wall.

Im unable to get myself back into my wheelchair from the floor and had to call a friend for help telling him I slipped while transferring.

Needless to say I have avioded my son. He returns to college next week. We havent spoken and he hasnt appologized.

My wife is taking his side saying that I did yell at him and that I am blowing it out of proportion and that he didnt assault me. He was just angry from the argument and wasnt trying to hurt me.

Id like some opinions on this matter.

I feel like he did assault me and was intenionally trying to hurt me. I dont think I can trust him anymore and Im at the point where I dont think I want him in my life anymore after what he did to me. I wouldnt strike my children and I am in disbelief and very hurt that he did this to me. Im also extremely depressed over this and it is consuming me.

So, what is your opinion on this whole matter?

Did he assault me? Should I have called the police on him? Should I call the poilice on him? Did I assault my wife like she claims?

This is tearing me apart.

Thanks for your input.

[lynnifer]

I took on both parents when I was 18 .. more verbally than anything but I knew exactly where to strike to draw tears. I left home and didn't speak to them for almost a year.

I think it's something a lot of kids go through.

A few years later, I remember showing up early for breakfast one morning before 7am, back on the farm, and thanking them for being my parents (in comparison to some of the city kids I had met since moving out).

That was the morning my father said he was proud of me. Never before and never since .. but I'm glad I told my mother before she passed. We all mumbled because we were so .. not touchie, feelie or sentimental. lol

There might be a bright side to come. Don't make rash decisions while the hurt still stings.

[Random]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that must be. But I think it would be a service to your son as well as you and your wife to address the issue explicitly. If he hurts you or someone else, that will ruin his life as well.

I can't speak to Peter's world, but neither I nor anyone I know has ever had a real physical altercation with family. Violence is not normal or acceptable behavior. Your son threatened your safety. He needs to acknowledge that he did it and figure out why, and what steps he will take to ensure that it never happens again. Insisting on that seems to me the loving thing to do. Perhaps sharing with him what you just told us – the emotional impact this situation has had on you and how you otherwise feel about him – would ease his hearing that message.

[Patton57]

I just wanted to mention another thing about calling in the cops. Times have changed.

Several decades ago it probably wasn't uncommon to have your kid spend a night in the slammer to learn a lesson. However, the cops really study behavior patterns now and you might unknowingly put your kid on the wrong path by handing them over to them on a silver platter. If he matches one of the offenses they're really cracking down on they could throw him away.

I was in court one day (not for myself) and a 18 yr old kid was being tried for assault with the intent to kill. The judge asked him very nicely what he had to say about his actions and the kid yelled out I don't have anything to say to you. The judge yelled back you are sentenced to 57 years. Start to finish it took about 5 minutes for that to occur. When the judge asked him I got the sense that the judge was open to what the kid had to say. I'm sure the kid won't do 57 years for just this exchange but the takeaway is don't hand it over to the justice system unless you have no other choice.

[~Lin]

Originally Posted by ancientgimp

Your wife sounds like a toxic enabler. Lots of times when some idiot perpetrates some violent outrage there is a mother like this in the background w a history of protecting her poor, misunderstood child even when the kid is blatantly out of control. As a result of mom's coddling the kid never develops internal controls. Sounds like your son is well on the way to being a danger to society. The fact that he has not approached you to make amends for the assault is a further warning sign. His conscience has not kicked in and may not be there.

This describes my brother. His life has been a complete disaster and my mom excuses any wrong behavior. And I fully believe he doesn't have a conscience and is a psychopath/sociopath after studying the disorder. And that's why I think the lack of remorse in this instance is also a big red flag. The history or poorly controlled anger, the physical violence, and the lack of remorse. It hits home, and I know it can continue to escalate from here. And for peter saying his life wasn't in danger, it may be next time.*

From my experience, I wouldn't contact the cops now unless you have any marks on you. Especially since your wife is protecting your son. The cops may take the view you're lying.*
Primarily due to my mothers lying and excuses, the cops took the view that I was the problem. Even when I had marks, my mom would tell them I started it and my brother was the one protecting himself. (she has since cried and apologized for this behavior, as well as for her abuse of me. She was abused growing up as well.) In addition I had an assault from a roommate reported at the ER. They took photos of me. I was never contacted by a detective and as far as I know nothing happened. I did however get a restraining order and the cops came to serve it and demand she stay away from the house until I was finished moving out.

Your experience may be quite different if you call the cops. Maybe the roommate was never prosecuted because of being another woman, or because there are so many inner city shootings that are more important here. Hell maybe she was and they just never contacted me or needed me beyond the photos.

I'm concerned for your safety, and do not think it's safe for him to be at your house right now. I think the best thing for him is to get help. Excusing the behavior will not help him have a happy life as a productive member of society.

[Random]

Patton's words also made me remember that I don't think you can consider one night in jail as just a perspective booster or something. I knew a guy in high school who was quite damaged by the violence that occurred during one night in jail. I am not suggesting you not take whatever action is necessary to protect yourself, but only that you not consider that step for the sole purpose of "teaching him a lesson." It could end up being a lesson you regret.

Lin, I'm at a loss for words to respond to what you've been through.