confession of a wannabe

[UserX]

Hi.

Recently I have been feeling very strange and confused about an activity I have started to be involved with and as many here may think this is a joke or that I am a weirdo, I write today to explain myself a little bit and to confess my guilt to those who are in this for real. I know I will get flack, but I hope some can see that I am too pretty much spooked by my own activities.

I'm 37 years old and for the last year and a half I have been seriously involved in "faking" major disability going as far as spending tons of money on wheelchairs, braces, hand controls to make it look like my car is equipped. I have even practiced being Paraplegic or someone with late stage MS ect. I have to say I'd be quite a great actor in a movie, because I can mimick it pretty well, including car to chair transfer as taught by a therapist. I have never been found out in the 200 or so "outings" as a paraplegic.

Why do I think I do this? It is simple really...I like the attention and having people help me out and it is very sexual as well. I just overall love the feeling of it, people notice you more and appreciate you more IMO.

What caused this? I'm not sure. I know deep in there some place I missed on attention or something..... I just like the attention and being in a extreme disabled position gets me the attention.

I have deceived people on here as well over the last year with a few user names. I know it won't go far, but I am sorry.

With job loss, no intimate relationships and other things.....I have doing this more an more often. Just today I used a walker in a store with braces on.

Why am I confessing this?.. I'm tired of having these abnormal thoughts and doing these very stupid things and feeling guilty doing this for pleasure while others live it every day. On a lot of youtube videos it hurts to see the stories and yet I do it for fun. I'm sick of it and just want to be normal and not be looked upon as taboo. This activity has become a burden as I cannot go two days without craving to get dressed up and using the wheelchair in public...I should get working again yet I go on outings and get nothing done at the house.

I'm very embarrassed and ashamed about this, I'm sure some will let me know how dumb I am, but I hope by having one of us freaks confess about this, helps out in some way. I just know I had to get it off my chest I am really scared of actually seeing a therapist about this and watching their jaw drop and I prefer to do it here.

I'll end this by saying I am sorry for disrespecting people with a very true problem I'll never understand fully and I have actually developed a lot of sympathy for those with SCI.

I am sorry.....

bye.

[~Lin]

Originally Posted by UserX

I'm tired of having these abnormal thoughts and doing these very stupid things and feeling guilty doing this for pleasure while others live it every day.
...
I just know I had to get it off my chest I am really scared of actually seeing a therapist about this and watching their jaw drop and I prefer to do it here.

I really encourage you to see a therapist. It sounds like you're ready, as you've said you dislike what you're doing.

I've done some research on what you're doing in addition to the disorder BIID. In my perspective, what you are doing is similar to an addiction. Until you determine what is at the root of the issue you are going to continue to progress because it will never be "enough."

You're right, it may be hard to find a therapist to help you. I had never heard of this or related conditions (devo, BIID) in any of my psychology classes. However, no professional therapist would drop their jaw. If you experience that type of response I urge you to try again. Its difficult to find a therapist that works for you no matter what the condition is. The therapeutic bond is very important and not easy to find, you may have to see many people to find the right one to help you.

One suggestion I have is to try and get a recommendation on a therapist who has seen or treated this before, I would look online for an applicable type forum and try asking for recommendations.

[grommet]

Tell us who you are and all the screen names you've used. Come totally clean and start feeling good.

[Eileen]

I think part of what you see as an attraction, that of getting extra attention, is enjoyed because you know you can leave it behind at a moments notice. This is not the sort of attention that most of us enjoy. We are people with disabilities, not disabilities attached to people, and most of us prefer to be treated as any other human being on the planet. I do think you need therapy, if for no other reason than this addiction, according to you, is crowding out other activities in life that should be a hell of a lot more enjoyable than faking a disability. For what it is worth, I do give you a certain amount of credit for "coming clean" about yourself, but you also have to understand that if you and I were to ever find ourselves trapped in a burning building I know that you would find your legs pretty damn fast, and when the fire was out it would be my corpse they would be hauling out of the rubble. Makes it a bit hard to find too much empathy......

[lynnifer]

Get help. You need it. This is your alarm bell and your red flag.

[PN]

Originally Posted by UserX

I'm tired of having these abnormal thoughts and doing these very stupid things and feeling guilty doing this for pleasure while others live it every day. I'm sick of it and just want to be normal and not be looked upon as taboo. This activity has become a burden as I cannot go two days without craving to get dressed up and using the wheelchair in public...I should get working again yet I go on outings and get nothing done at the house.

I'm very embarrassed and ashamed about this, I'm sure some will let me know how dumb I am, but I hope by having one of us freaks confess about this, helps out in some way. I just know I had to get it off my chest I am really scared of actually seeing a therapist about this and watching their jaw drop and I prefer to do it here.

You will not get better until you get professional help. I wouldn't worry about what the therapist may think. It is their job to help.

[lynnifer]

The mods have the power to check IP's now and find out the screen names .. or are you going to fess up?

[all-buggered-up]

You ae not a wannabe as you don't appear to desire the actuality of wanting to be disabled or going to the extent of actually planning to get a disability. The difference is that from what I read is that you have made no attempt at actually becoming disabled where as a wannabe wants to be disabled a pretender gets the gratification in pretending to have a disability. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disability_pretender if you don't know the difference you probably aren't anything.

[~Lin]

I don't see how not knowing the terms means anything. Is a bipolar individual not bipolar if they've never heard the term? He probably has not looked into his behavior in depth in the past. I believe if he had, he would have been spending his time on a forum with others who are doing the same as opposed to here.

[UserX]

Originally Posted by lynnifer

The mods have the power to check IP's now and find out the screen names .. or are you going to fess up?

I need to get into something and manage this I do know that. I guess this is the first way to get there I just knew after today I am tired of doing these things. It is also disturbing to me and although it is satisfying at the time, after I feel strange and really freaked that I do things like this. I'm actually a good person otherwise, but I have this quirk for fetish type things and yes, it has gotten out of hand. I want to be in a relationship and I cannot do that having these desires.

I've researched Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and that looks promising.
I just want this stage of my life over with, because things like taking over my daily activities and the possibility of getting caught by someone I know, really scares me. Plus the guilt of seeing people that really have these problems and here I am using it to get my jollies off.

I know I have a serious problem here and I do want to stop.

I will come clean with my other user names. I was Unconstruct and most recently "walkinFast"

Know I don't expect any pats on the back for this, I do know that. I am terribly embarrassed and not sure if I am relieved and will be hated by those who actually put forth a post of help in my fake threads.

I also want to add that I didn't do this to get any money or cheat some insurance programs....I did this strictly for pleasure and to quinch my need for affection from others.

I don't blame you all for being mad....I get it, I'd be the same and I deserve every punishing word I get. I just know now that I am glad I can come clean and start getting rid of this thing and I will, but it will be hard to do. Not many people know how strong these desires are.

Thank you.