MY Eyes Are Open And My Heart Is Breaking!

[47+years]

Originally Posted by Enabledshooter

It's frustrating for me to see comments like this "and its just part of our job to take it".
First of all, caring for her husband isn't her job. It's something she does either out of necessity, because she loves and respects him or both (Actually, I don't know why she takes care of her husband. My wife takes care of me out of necessity and because she loves and respects me).
Second, a disability isn't a free pass to treat people badly. So, whether you're a wife/husband, caregiver or next-door neighbor, you have no obligation to put up with being treated badly. In fact, I think the person with the disability has a bigger obligation to make sure his/her caregiver knows they are appreciated.

Everyone has bad moods from time to time and in relationships it is typical to hurt the ones you love. That doesn't mean it's acceptable to put up with it indefinitely.

In my opinion, if I hire a professional caregiver it's their job to meet my needs. If you're my wife, family member or friend caring for me, you're doing me a favor. I've been a C4-5 quadriplegic for 22 years now and I greatly appreciate the sacrifices my wife and family make for me. I always thank them for their care and I make sure they know I appreciate it.

Sometimes, in a situation like this you might have to tell it like it is. A little tough love if you will. Tell your husband how you feel. Tell him you don't appreciate the way he's treating you and that it's not acceptable. Obviously, you want him to know that you're on his side and you're there to help. I find that talking with my wife on a regular basis makes things a lot easier. If that doesn't work you guys need to get professional help.

I've seen too many situations where the person with the disability treats their caregivers badly. In my experience good caregivers are hard to find.

Lastly, I think your heart is in the right place. And I'm sure you do the best you can. But, you have to take care of yourself.

You said it well. I was injured in 1964 (C5/C6). I had no choice but to live with this. My husband CHOSE to stay. For that I am eternally grateful. I decided early that I may live with pain and frustration, but my loved ones do not have to. That's why this forum is wonderful. We can vent here and not unload on our loved ones.

[ZEN12many]

Peacegirl
Per the American Mental Health Association (I think that's the name), one of the primary symptoms of depression in men is irritability. Do take that into account when your husband says something cruel.

[MSWIFE1]

I knew when I wrote that I would be slammed by someone. I choose to take care of my husband because I love him, I cherish him, I would do anything for him. It's not me he is mad at its the disease. He has good moments and he has bad ones too! I have told him I don't appreciate being talked to or treated that way and he agrees he was wrong and shouldn't have been that way, but then there's always the next time something sets him off. It is my job to take care of him now that he can't do it himself. And it is a JOB, as many of the caregivers here will agree. There is no funding for outside help, we have been to professional counselors, etc. etc. etc. Now if he was physically abusing me it would be different. Yes I realize verbal abuse is abuse as well, but when I am dealing with a depressed person under the influence of prescription medicine and MS which effects the brain that is something I am going to get from time to time. I have learned to accept that as heartbreaking as it is, I know my husband loves me and would not treat me that way if we weren't dealing with this. This thread it not about me however.

[JEAPOW]

It must be really hard to be a wife and the primary caregiver, I give you all so much credit.

Your post peacegirl is so gripping, it's obvious you are also afraid. I amsure he is too and it is a difficult thing to talk about. We do hurt the ones we love and maybe sometimes we don't realize how mean we may sound. We (I know I am) are still angry at our situation.

It is not right to put up with abuse and verbal words can be emotionally damaging, not to mention once said you can't take them back.

So wishing there was a reverse button for this SCI or any disease that ruins your life.

[Peacegirl_11]

I have talked to him about coming here to talk about things, but said maybe later after somethings happen, what ever that means to him, to me its here and happening now not later, i look at him but i don't see him sometimes he is deeply depressed, i just want to know im doing everything possible for him. i know everyone here is right he shouldn't be mean all i have ever done was try to be here, and make him feel loved no matter what, seems i do need to try to take care of myself also just hard to do, i was thinking it would get better but i guess he has to want it also, may need to try that tuff love! i do realize he is depressed waiting on the other shoe to fall. I am afraid, I have tried to talk to him, even talked to drs with him but doesnt seem to last long, thanks all for advice.




peacegirl