what do you do when you realize you have pushed your loved one beyond capability?

ohiochica · 04-05-2004, 01:51 PM

screw it didnt think would get the comments i got in chat. so not worth this aggrevation.

the person knows i am extremely proud of him and thats all that i care about.

[This message was edited by ohiochica on 04-06-04 at 01:51 AM.]

simple man · 04-05-2004, 02:04 PM

Be the shoulder you always are. Hold them up when things seem defeating, be there, be supportive during that time of "seemingly defeating task". Then when "they" surpass this emotion, push some more, never ever show signs of giving up on them. Continue believing in them and continue showing your faith in their ability to do the seemingly impossible. Hold on to that hope, faith, desire to over come those challenges he/she is facing. Understand them when they do all they can do, hold em, comfort them. Keep trying, over and over and over. Never ever give up on them and the possibilities of them getting better. If you don't succeed today, try tomorrow.

p.s. By pushing them, believing in them, they already know how much you care and love them. Just by the pushing, shows you care. Believe me, they already know.

dogger · 04-05-2004, 02:27 PM

1) you answered your question in your last sentence [ less tears , to most men tears are a way of someone expressing hurt , normally that the man has caused ] .
2) say ''sorry'' ...one simple , important word that many people seem to find difficult to say with conviction .
3) recognise the difference between supporting and pushing . support means to sustain or uphold , a push can often achieve the opposite affect [ particularly if done over vigorously ] .
thank you ,
dogger

every day i wake up is a good one .

[This message was edited by dogger on 04-05-04 at 05:36 PM.]

kate · 04-05-2004, 03:50 PM

Hi, Chica--

I dunno . . . could be just that the therapy session was frustrating, and not because of your pushing. I'd wait until I felt in control of myself and then ask:

Is it helpful for me to (fill in the blank with whatever it is you do)? Is there anything I can do differently? And then believe him, no matter what he says.

My experience is that PT can be hell to watch, especially on the days when nothing's happening.

marco25 · 04-05-2004, 05:42 PM

Becky, you and I are a lot alike. I think our intentions are in the right place because we want to "fix" it, make it right, obviously no one else understands or cares about this situation like we do. Am I close? And we can really screw up relationships with men we care fiercely about in the process. What we see as loving, constructive advice or help is often received much more personally ... and painfully by the man.

I would simply apologize. Try not to cry, which is very difficult for me. No explanations (men hate explanations!

) Just I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm so proud of you. (Hugs, kisses ...

)

betheny · 04-05-2004, 08:45 PM

Becky-

You've done great things for him. I'm thrilled. But you and I have disagreed before about physical possibilities. I still say complete quads can't ride horses without special saddles, and you say they can. My point is, support him, encourage him, and may God bless you for doing it. But in the end, the spinal cord is the boss. He knows this, and I have the feeling he's working his guts out to please you. That was apparently the motivator he needed (my chewing on him never helped lol). Just please know, he's a high para and he's not going to be able to do all things. Please love him and accept him the way he is, and encourage him to be more. That's all I could ever ask of you. Take care girl, and give him a hug from me. Beth

C5/6 incomplete, injured Aug. 2000

ohiochica · 04-05-2004, 10:11 PM

x

[This message was edited by ohiochica on 04-06-04 at 01:52 AM.]

jack9166 · 04-06-2004, 09:46 AM

Ok, I've been wanting to reply to this but was'nt and still not sure what to say.

First, I do want to thank Becky because without her I probably would not be doing much of anything to better my life. It does seem like its alot easier to do things when you are not only trying to please yourself but trying to please somebody you care about.

Ok........my mind is a blank and I'm not sure what to say but I think eveybody gets the picture.

Thanks Becky

Jack

04-05-2004, 01:51 PM	#1
ohiochica Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Youngstown Ohio usa Posts: 379	what do you do when you realize you have pushed your loved one beyond capability? screw it didnt think would get the comments i got in chat. so not worth this aggrevation. the person knows i am extremely proud of him and thats all that i care about. [This message was edited by ohiochica on 04-06-04 at 01:51 AM.]

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04-05-2004, 02:04 PM	#2
simple man Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 12	Be the shoulder you always are. Hold them up when things seem defeating, be there, be supportive during that time of "seemingly defeating task". Then when "they" surpass this emotion, push some more, never ever show signs of giving up on them. Continue believing in them and continue showing your faith in their ability to do the seemingly impossible. Hold on to that hope, faith, desire to over come those challenges he/she is facing. Understand them when they do all they can do, hold em, comfort them. Keep trying, over and over and over. Never ever give up on them and the possibilities of them getting better. If you don't succeed today, try tomorrow. p.s. By pushing them, believing in them, they already know how much you care and love them. Just by the pushing, shows you care. Believe me, they already know.

04-05-2004, 02:27 PM	#3
dogger Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Mitchell , Qld. Australia Posts: 2,239	1) you answered your question in your last sentence [ less tears , to most men tears are a way of someone expressing hurt , normally that the man has caused ] . 2) say ''sorry'' ...one simple , important word that many people seem to find difficult to say with conviction . 3) recognise the difference between supporting and pushing . support means to sustain or uphold , a push can often achieve the opposite affect [ particularly if done over vigorously ] . thank you , dogger every day i wake up is a good one . [This message was edited by dogger on 04-05-04 at 05:36 PM.]

04-05-2004, 03:50 PM	#4
kate Moderator Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: bellevue, wa, usa Posts: 10,901	Hi, Chica-- I dunno . . . could be just that the therapy session was frustrating, and not because of your pushing. I'd wait until I felt in control of myself and then ask: Is it helpful for me to (fill in the blank with whatever it is you do)? Is there anything I can do differently? And then believe him, no matter what he says. My experience is that PT can be hell to watch, especially on the days when nothing's happening.

04-05-2004, 05:42 PM	#5
marco25 Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Louisiana Posts: 2,912	Becky, you and I are a lot alike. I think our intentions are in the right place because we want to "fix" it, make it right, obviously no one else understands or cares about this situation like we do. Am I close? And we can really screw up relationships with men we care fiercely about in the process. What we see as loving, constructive advice or help is often received much more personally ... and painfully by the man. I would simply apologize. Try not to cry, which is very difficult for me. No explanations (men hate explanations! ) Just I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm so proud of you. (Hugs, kisses ... )

04-05-2004, 08:45 PM	#6
betheny Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Oklahoma,USA Posts: 18,333	Becky- You've done great things for him. I'm thrilled. But you and I have disagreed before about physical possibilities. I still say complete quads can't ride horses without special saddles, and you say they can. My point is, support him, encourage him, and may God bless you for doing it. But in the end, the spinal cord is the boss. He knows this, and I have the feeling he's working his guts out to please you. That was apparently the motivator he needed (my chewing on him never helped lol). Just please know, he's a high para and he's not going to be able to do all things. Please love him and accept him the way he is, and encourage him to be more. That's all I could ever ask of you. Take care girl, and give him a hug from me. Beth C5/6 incomplete, injured Aug. 2000

04-05-2004, 10:11 PM	#7
ohiochica Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Youngstown Ohio usa Posts: 379	x [This message was edited by ohiochica on 04-06-04 at 01:52 AM.]

04-06-2004, 09:46 AM	#8
jack9166 Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Youngstown, Ohio Posts: 580	Ok, I've been wanting to reply to this but was'nt and still not sure what to say. First, I do want to thank Becky because without her I probably would not be doing much of anything to better my life. It does seem like its alot easier to do things when you are not only trying to please yourself but trying to please somebody you care about. Ok........my mind is a blank and I'm not sure what to say but I think eveybody gets the picture. Thanks Becky Jack