Losing/regaining your identity

marmalady · 07-05-2002, 05:41 PM

Interesting topic on another forum - forgive me, those of you out there who belong to both!

When our family members are injured, we become 'Matt's mom' or 'caregiver to Bob, my T3 husband'. We 'lose' who we are for a while, in the trauma/stress/learning curves/adjusting to life differently.

I likened it to becoming a mother, for the first year or so; all of a sudden, things like hair and makeup and who you are take a back seat to caring for your baby, then as the child grows and gains independence, you gradually find 'you' again, and build a life that's your own, separate from the child's.

Any of you have similar feelings? Are you still feeling you lost 'you', or have you worked through it to the point where you can think/feel/act independently of your feelings/commitment to your family members?

_____________
Tough times don't last - tough people do.

martha · 07-05-2002, 09:36 PM

Jackie, I was just glad to read that eventually one's self does re-emerge (maybe like that phoenix rising from ashes?). We've only been 15 months but it feels like there is nothing left of "me" at all. I'm not even sure who I used to be or what I was like. It's a strange feeling.

martha

marmalady · 07-06-2002, 07:43 AM

martha, there's lots of 'you' left! It's just been put on a back burner for now. Exhaustion, stress, lack of respite, managing complicated legal/medical/insurance issues day after day, all contribute to our loss of 'self'.

As time goes on, and hubbie cares for himself more, and medical/money issues start to level out, and you can begin to give yourself more time, I think you'll find little bits of yourself coming back.

I never realized (or put it together) that you were only 15 months post. To my mind, that's still so early for recovery; you're both still dealing with shock, emotional issues, relearning how to be a couple with this new factor sitting right in between you; give yourself some time, and just manage day by day. Get yourself some help whenever you can.

I found myself emerging a stronger, more forthright person than I ever was. I just don't have time for b**s**t any more. Get to the point! Tell it to me straight! Say yes or no - now! Time's too short and precious for screwing around with the amenities. I also find myself more patient and compassionate than I ever was. Patience was never one of my long suits!

I have every confidence you'll get there, Martha! Don't give up the ship yet!

_____________
Tough times don't last - tough people do.

mazey · 08-08-2002, 06:02 AM

Hi Martha,
I certainly know what you are talking about. I had those same feelings, and as I approached my 50th birthday, became even more so....We had started to make some little changes in our schedule with my son, who was a c6/7. Working, driving etc. But I was on 24hour call and involved every day in some way, the weight kept pulling me away from "my" life....little by little you have to reclaim parts of your independence for your own health. Difficult to do. But necessaary for you to then give quality time without any resentment. And it isn't really resentment towards anyone or thing, it is simply wanting you back a little more....I am still having a few guilty moments, looking back when I was trying to get a little of me back, only months before we lost Chad to septicemia. But I have to tell myself, it wasn't against his care/life only trying to find me again.....It is so difficult....start by little moments DEDICATED to you, bubble bath with no phone, taking a drive ALONE no phone, getting assistance where warranted. Good luck, hope it becomes lighter for you. Lind

07-05-2002, 05:41 PM	#1
marmalady Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Posts: 3,988	Losing/regaining your identity Interesting topic on another forum - forgive me, those of you out there who belong to both! When our family members are injured, we become 'Matt's mom' or 'caregiver to Bob, my T3 husband'. We 'lose' who we are for a while, in the trauma/stress/learning curves/adjusting to life differently. I likened it to becoming a mother, for the first year or so; all of a sudden, things like hair and makeup and who you are take a back seat to caring for your baby, then as the child grows and gains independence, you gradually find 'you' again, and build a life that's your own, separate from the child's. Any of you have similar feelings? Are you still feeling you lost 'you', or have you worked through it to the point where you can think/feel/act independently of your feelings/commitment to your family members? _____________ Tough times don't last - tough people do.

08-08-2002, 06:02 AM	#4
mazey Member Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Illlinois,USA Posts: 36	Oh, do I understand Hi Martha, I certainly know what you are talking about. I had those same feelings, and as I approached my 50th birthday, became even more so....We had started to make some little changes in our schedule with my son, who was a c6/7. Working, driving etc. But I was on 24hour call and involved every day in some way, the weight kept pulling me away from "my" life....little by little you have to reclaim parts of your independence for your own health. Difficult to do. But necessaary for you to then give quality time without any resentment. And it isn't really resentment towards anyone or thing, it is simply wanting you back a little more....I am still having a few guilty moments, looking back when I was trying to get a little of me back, only months before we lost Chad to septicemia. But I have to tell myself, it wasn't against his care/life only trying to find me again.....It is so difficult....start by little moments DEDICATED to you, bubble bath with no phone, taking a drive ALONE no phone, getting assistance where warranted. Good luck, hope it becomes lighter for you. Lind

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07-05-2002, 09:36 PM	#2
martha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Texas hallelujah! Posts: 1,077	Jackie, I was just glad to read that eventually one's self does re-emerge (maybe like that phoenix rising from ashes?). We've only been 15 months but it feels like there is nothing left of "me" at all. I'm not even sure who I used to be or what I was like. It's a strange feeling. martha

07-06-2002, 07:43 AM	#3
marmalady Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Posts: 3,988	martha, there's lots of 'you' left! It's just been put on a back burner for now. Exhaustion, stress, lack of respite, managing complicated legal/medical/insurance issues day after day, all contribute to our loss of 'self'. As time goes on, and hubbie cares for himself more, and medical/money issues start to level out, and you can begin to give yourself more time, I think you'll find little bits of yourself coming back. I never realized (or put it together) that you were only 15 months post. To my mind, that's still so early for recovery; you're both still dealing with shock, emotional issues, relearning how to be a couple with this new factor sitting right in between you; give yourself some time, and just manage day by day. Get yourself some help whenever you can. I found myself emerging a stronger, more forthright person than I ever was. I just don't have time for bst any more. Get to the point! Tell it to me straight! Say yes or no - now! Time's too short and precious for screwing around with the amenities. I also find myself more patient and compassionate than I ever was. Patience was never one of my long suits! I have every confidence you'll get there, Martha! Don't give up the ship yet! _____________ Tough times don't last - tough people do.