Help! running out of ideas

[muskie]

My son is 9 months into his injury today. He has no hope and lives in a very dark place. I feel like I am pulling a full wagon uphill that has no wheels. I have tried everything I can to motivate and instill hope. I have attended Dr. Youngs lectures and listen to Dr.s Silver, Oswald and Davies you tube clips and tried to relay this. I have reached out to peers like Rob Summers (1st epidural stim) and Scott Hogsett (murderball) both have left messages for him and both he has not talked to. Our house is full of equipment that I fought hard to get from the insurance company that just collects dust. I have tried to get him to take online courses, go to abilities expos, go out to dinner with us all to no avail. Our house is to go under construction soon and he wants to go into a nursing home during it, it makes me feel as I have failed my son he is only 22. Is there anything else I can do?

[crypticgimp]

it sounds like your son is depressed, which is understandable. have you guys either sat down amongst yourselves as a family or a counselor to really discuss the emotional loss he is feeling? think of it as someone's spouse dies. you don't immediately start introducing them to other women, dating sites or even other ppl that lost their spouses and have them say "it was hard at first, but i got through it!!!"

your vigilance, which is admirable, can be misconstrued as ignoring the problem.

and sometimes ppl just need to hit rock bottom before they can get back up. if you're constantly helping, then he won't feel inclined to do it himself.

start small. if he asks for anything and you know he can 100% do it for himself(even if it's quicker/easier for you to do it) then just say "well you're more than capable to do that yourself" and hold that same standard for ALL family members so he can't use the excuse that you're singling him out or doing x for so and so.

gl! i hope this helps...

[Mom15]

I feel for you as I was concerned about my son when he was first injured. SCI T5-T6 incomplete in 12/11 that he would go in to a depression. Thank the Lord he did not and is very upbeat in his attitude. Prayers go out to you and your son. Others on this forum are helpful in their forsights. You have come to the right forum for help.

[47+years]

Originally Posted by crypticgimp

it sounds like your son is depressed, which is understandable. have you guys either sat down amongst yourselves as a family or a counselor to really discuss the emotional loss he is feeling? think of it as someone's spouse dies. you don't immediately start introducing them to other women, dating sites or even other ppl that lost their spouses and have them say "it was hard at first, but i got through it!!!"

your vigilance, which is admirable, can be misconstrued as ignoring the problem.

and sometimes ppl just need to hit rock bottom before they can get back up. if you're constantly helping, then he won't feel inclined to do it himself.

start small. if he asks for anything and you know he can 100% do it for himself(even if it's quicker/easier for you to do it) then just say "well you're more than capable to do that yourself" and hold that same standard for ALL family members so he can't use the excuse that you're singling him out or doing x for so and so.

gl! i hope this helps...

This is good advice. Somehow your son needs to feel that he is still useful and can do things for himself. Praying for wisdom for you as this is not an easy road.

[nrf]

Project walk is a very upbeat facility in Carlsbad California. They have a knack for energizing people with SCI. They are more of an exercise facility than P/T facility. Your son can see and talk to people who have improved function years after injury. You are surrounded by young energetic people who focus on can and never mention can't.
The equipment in your basement can seem like a daunting waste of time. It helped us to get young local personal trainers who our son could socialize with while they helped him use the equipment. Our gym now is probably almost as beneficial socially as it is physically.

[gjnl]

I have skimmed through some of your posts, but I can't find information on the level of your son's injury. Since he was injured in a diving accident, I am presuming that he is a quad...what level?

Where did he do his rehab? How long was he in rehab? Did he fully participate in his rehab experience?

All the best,
GJ

[muskie]

c5 complete

[muskie]

kessler and is still doing 3 days a week plus will we will be doing 1 day a week aqua therapy at helen hayes

[gjnl]

I agree with "cripticgimp" and "47+years."

Most rehab programs have psychologists specifically trained in treating people who have suffered traumatic injury. If his rehab program doesn't have this resource, maybe they can make a referral. Your son needs to be evaluated for depression. a combination of antidepressant medications and some talk therapy would be a good combination. He needs to start looking at setting some goals for post rehab/out-patient rehab.

A good counselor can help him focus of the things he can do, not the things he can't do. He might be motivated by the prospect of learning to and earning the privilege to drive. A C5 complete with the proper equipment can drive. Does his rehab have a driving evaluation program? He and a traumatic injury specialist need to work together to set goals, possibly including finishing school, interests in employment, developing new leisure interests, etc.

Try as a family may, they just may not be the right ones to deal with what your son is going through. At twenty-two, even without a traumatic injury, young adults are struggling with identity, character, and purpose. Your son has been thrust into having to grow up quickly and may need outside resources to help him along.

All the best,
GJ

[Scorpion]

Originally Posted by muskie

. . . it makes me feel as I have failed my son he is only 22. Is there anything else I can do?

You haven't failed him. He's grieving and in many ways has to go through it in his own time, and 9 months isn't a very long time for someone. It might help to get someone who's lived with SCI for a while to visit him in person, but it's hard to say.

When you say C-5 complete, is that his functional level or injury level. Because the difference in function and level of independece possible between functioning at C-5 and at C-6 is enormous. Does he have wrist extension (bringing his the back of his hand and knuckles up from the wrist)? If someone's going to try to encourage him in person, it would help if they functioned around his level or had less function, because if they have more function, it'll be easy for him to say, "Yeah, easy for you to say -- you can do this and this and I can't".