Greeatings from a Childless Orphan and Widow

[betheny]

So I'm just gonna dive in.

I still have a lot to be grateful for, and I try to see it. I've moved to BFE KS, it seemed convenient b/c my father was ill and I had no reason not to. Dad died a week or so later...on Christmas. We buried him on New Year's Eve. I really recall very little of this happening.

I still have some work to do on the house in OK before putting it on the market. Considered renting it out until the market turns a bit, but recently realized that my juju in OK is so bad that the house will no doubt be hit by a tornado this spring.

BFE KS would be ok if the internet wasn't out 75% of the time. The cable is often out too. Yesterday the cable guy requested the remote for the TV. As I rummaged
thru the drawers looking for it, I burst into sobs. The ones where tears run down your chin and snot bubbles out your nose..."The people that handled my electronic issues...are...all...dead."

Poor cably guy!

I read that grief hits your head first, then your heart. Somebody please hit the reset button?

Am still planning to move to New Mexico. Have been at some risk of overdose. Have literally single-handedly saved one life (OD, natch.) Am tired of my friends complaining that I'm awfully close to the edge. Am tired of being awfully close to the edge. Have had money snags...it's there, but not HERE, ya know? Was saved from starvation and a bullying contractor by a drug dealer, down in OK. Have been stolen from and had my sanity saved, simultaneously, by a drug addict.

Haven't been on CC. Just haven't known what to say. I've missed you all, even the annoying ones. I'm stunned at how much I've lived my life for others-without them, it feels like no life at all. But February has always been bad for me, and it's over now. You were all so kind and generous to me. Maybe I can give back somehow. I vaguely remember that I used to do that around here.

Hi guys, it's me Betheny. From Kansas. I need to change my Entire. Fucking. Profile. Someday I'll be tough enough to do it.

Am somewhat reluctant to return to OK to finish up my business.

ETA anecdote: BFE KS is my ancestral home. My grandparents lived here. Years ago, I had so many intact families that I complained the holidays were too hectic. My husband and I were tooling at 20 mph thru BFE (on our way back yto our real life in Houston) when we saw an ancient couple sitting on the bench under the gazebo in front of the monstrously ugly circa early 1970'sconstruction courthouse/jail. Steve said "Beth, if that ever threatens to be us, put a bullet in my head."

"Oh come on, it's not that bad!"

"I mean it Beth! A BULLET."

I walk Dingo by that gazebo frequently. It's the only place that has sidewalks w/ no potholes.

[Cripply]

A supportive hug to you.
The only positive is that you have lost so much that you now have true freedom. You are totally, absolutely free

[betheny]

Originally Posted by Cripply

A supportive hug to you.
The only positive is that you have lost so much that you now have true freedom. You are totally, absolutely free

If I was fully AB I'd buy an RV...or renew my passport at the very least. It's a bit overwhelming. I didn't inherit phenomenal wealth but enough to be comfortable. That's high on my gratitude list.

[Cripply]

Originally Posted by betheny

If I was fully AB I'd buy an RV...or renew my passport at the very least. It's a bit overwhelming. I didn't inherit phenomenal wealth but enough to be comfortable. That's high on my gratitude list.

Betheny, I meant free in a purely existential sense. Obviously not meant as consolation...but those who have lost so much do become free from further pain, free to do as they please...I am sure you will do yet a lot of good to others. And good will come to you.

[cass]

oh betheny. been thinking about you so much. been looking for you to post. of course, i have no words that can ease your grief. i'm here, i'm listening and i care.

[rdf]

Good to see ya around Betheny. Hope you visit more often, this place has really missed you. I hope you know we all love you.

[Liz321]

Originally Posted by rdf

Good to see ya around Betheny. Hope you visit more often, this place has really missed you. I hope you know we all love you.

Perfectly said, thank you.

[djrolling]

don't really know what to say other than welcome back....

[betheny]

I know, it's gotta be awkward. Like "Sorry that your husband was killed in the blitz in 1940 and your son and half his friends didn't dodge that doodlebug in '41. Lucky that your father survived long enough to bury his only grandson, lose his mind and die frightened and in pain though! Oh yeah, sorry to hear about your Dad. Merry Christmas!"

Nope, nothing awkward there LOL. It's okay, guys. You gotta laugh. I lost my van key yesterday. Bad news-it cost $173 b/c a tow truck drive TO BFE KS, then has to tow my van to the nearest Dodge dealership 70 miles away. Good news-My sis-in-law showed up while thetow truck was still here and she found my key, saving me $500 or so. I checked that pocket 100 times, you KNOW I did. Stupid no-sensation-having fingers!

The tow truck driver was amused and bemused, all at the same time.

[lynnifer]

Your humour amazes me after having been through so much but I think it's what you and I rely on in times of need. Please take care of yourself. Good to see you're getting out and about with Dingo.

Good to see you posting again! You're still there and it's good to see.