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Thread: New Quad Father (Desperately) Needs Advice

  1. #21
    Senior Member rdf's Avatar
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    It'll all work out, SurfCat, it's obvious you're a caring, kind and loving person. Your baby boy will clue into it soon enough

    On another note, if he was born at 7:07 am or pm, get your butt to Vegas immediately, or at least buy a few lotto tickets

    Best of luck, your son is lucky to have such a father.

    Quote Originally Posted by SurfCat
    I'm a married C5/6 who last summer 7/7/07 had his first baby...a perfect boy who miraculously weighed 7 lb. 7 oz!

    Fatherhood in a chair and without much use of hands is not an easy undertaking for anyone, but what I didn't expect was how emotionally grueling it would be to... (count the ways) not be able to pick him up when crying, not be able to get on floor and show him how to (fill in blank), and probably the hardest for a touchy-feely loverboy like myself not be able to really hold and snuggle him.

    In addition and possibly because of the above, he is now 100% attached to my wife due to crazy separation anxiety. This means he cries most times he is left with poor dad.

    My heart is just aching to care for, be close to my son more often. Are there any dad's that have "rolled" this path before and could help this struggling newbie out.

    Thanks for listening.
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    Thanks!

  2. #22
    SurfCat, congratulations on the baby! I have a very good idea how you are feeling right now. Don't sweat it, be patient, and your time will come believe me.

    I'm a C5 quad and my wife and I adopted our daughter from China when she was 15 months. My wife and mother-in-law made the two week trip to get her since it would not be accessible for me. When they came back and for months following I had all sorts of emotions. Our daughter bonded to my wife almost instantly and didn't want to have anything to do with me for what seemed to be quite a long time. It was heartbreaking for me. If my wife wasn't around she would just look at me and cry no matter how hard I tried. As she got a little bit older and we were able to do more things together, things got better. Have you wife throw him next to you in bed when he takes his nap. Put some baby crackers on your chest for him so he has to crawl on you to get them. Act like you're not paying attention to him and start banging on some of his musical toys. Better yet throw on some music of your choice along with a mesmerizing visual playback on Windows media player, winamp, VLC media player, etc. Watching them get all zoned out and fall asleep to stuff like that is pretty funny. Little kids are extremely curious. Before you know it curiosity will get the best of him and you'll be doing things together. I used to get bummed out because Allie bonded more with my mother-in-law in the beginning then she did me. When it is just you and your wife chances are a lot of times she will be busy doing something that needs to be done around the house. When the baby is alone with you at some point more bonding will take place. You'll win by default. Before long when he gets a little older he'll get a kick out of sharing cookies with you by feeding them to you. Even if he is not yet a year old there is plenty of the good stuff you can do at your level to better bond with him.

    As far as feeling helpless, I watched our daughter take a fall off the armrest of the couch onto a tile floor with her forhead. Talk about feeling helpless and the worst parent, that was me.

    This was her taking a nap and me pretending to be asleep for the photo. Even though she was out like a light it was still good stuff.



    Quote Originally Posted by SurfCat
    I'm a married C5/6 who last summer 7/7/07 had his first baby...a perfect boy who miraculously weighed 7 lb. 7 oz!

    Fatherhood in a chair and without much use of hands is not an easy undertaking for anyone, but what I didn't expect was how emotionally grueling it would be to... (count the ways) not be able to pick him up when crying, not be able to get on floor and show him how to (fill in blank), and probably the hardest for a touchy-feely loverboy like myself not be able to really hold and snuggle him.

    In addition and possibly because of the above, he is now 100% attached to my wife due to crazy separation anxiety. This means he cries most times he is left with poor dad.

    My heart is just aching to care for, be close to my son more often. Are there any dad's that have "rolled" this path before and could help this struggling newbie out.

    Thanks for listening.

  3. #23
    Senior Member SurfCat's Avatar
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    "Doing time" thanks for your very understanding reply... sounds like you have been in the same trenches I've been crawling through for the last few months. My son is 10 1/2 months right now and just about everything is being done on the floor because that's the safest place for him (he's crazy and will climb on to or off of anything else so I can't have him in bed with me unless he's really tired or he'll crawl off the edge) and so it's only fun for a few minutes to watch him play and try to show him something to pretty much no avail and thus feel like no bonding is really occurring and leaving the room to try to focus on something else less depressing. Have you found any certain activities or ways to combat this "floor-time" dilemma?

    How old is your son now? Have things gotten better... what can you/do you like to do together now?
    Would you mind if I contact you from time to time?

    Thanks so much bro.
    "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will RUN and not grow weary, they will WALK and not be faint."
    Isaiah 40:29-31

  4. #24
    Senior Member SurfCat's Avatar
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    Here's a pic of the 2 of us when he was 4 mo.

    Thanks for your wisdom everyone...
    Last edited by SCI-Nurse; 05-25-2008 at 06:44 PM.
    "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will RUN and not grow weary, they will WALK and not be faint."
    Isaiah 40:29-31

  5. #25
    He is a very cute kid. I sent you a PM. Give me a shout whenever you want.

    Oops, your profile doesn't accept PM's.
    Last edited by doingtimeonmyass; 05-25-2008 at 08:25 PM.

  6. #26
    He is so cute. Your first post is the kind of story that needs to be in the Bridges to Hope book, very heartfelt and true.
    If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.


    Sometimes it is easier to widen doors than it is to open minds.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Mona~on~wheels's Avatar
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    What a cutie! Good luck with everything.

  8. #28

    surfcat

    Allie was 15 months old when we adopted her. She is now 4 years old. Time sure does fly. As I said before she bonded with my wife really fast and it took a while for Allie to bond with me. Looking back I remember trying to do things to entertain her as much as I could. I understand your concern about heights at his age especially when they are tired. How about when he is in his high chair? If he can be buckled in securely keep trying to do things like feed him and playing with toys on the tray. If your wife brings him over to you where he can stand on your lap while she's holding him, does he cry and want to get off?

    I'm not really sure how babies are at 10 months old, but once he starts walking things should get better. I can understand however the problems you're having right now with "floor time". It may just take some time. Just keep talking to him and try not to get too discouraged, (I know easier said than done.) Another thing you can do if you have taken a lot of digital pictures is put them on the computer where you have to press a key to advance to the next one. If you can find a way where you and him can both get to it, kids love to look at pictures of themselves and family members. Anything you can make a game out of will help. Is your wife understanding of how you feel? I'm just asking because mine thought I was overreacting when we first got her, but it can be very heartbreaking.

    What kind of wheelchair do you use? I forgot how many months old Allie was, but one day she sat on my feet in my power wheelchair and I started giving her rides around the house. Shortly after that she was standing up on my foot plates and holding on to my legs. She found she could go mobile with daddy and that was cool!

    Those days seem like a long time ago now. Allie and I watch TV together. Noggin (or maybe it's Nick Jr.) is excellent for kids. Since he's still so small those Little Einstein DVDs are very good too. A lot of those are pictures and video set to music that's supposed to help them out. Since we can't use our hands there will always be a lot of frustrations. I read her stories, we do little art projects, I try to do what I can to play with her toys with her. She is daddy's little helper and realizes I can't do certain things.

    Hang in there and give me a shout anytime about anything.

  9. #29
    Senior Member SurfCat's Avatar
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    Here's the pic I was trying to post...

    Thanks for trying to send me a PM...I'm not even sure how to do those?!
    You can send me an email (or I'd love to have yours) at manofsteele@cox.net.

    Thankfully my wife is pretty understanding 'doingtime', but she still gets frustrated hearing me talk about it/how to fix it etc. I also tend to 'direct' her play with him which isn't too fun for either of us.

    It was really cool last night I decide4d to hang w/ him no matter what they were doing and by dinner time e were laughing/playing/feeding w/ each other that he didn't even notice when my wife left the kitchen for 5-10 mins. Then it cont. this a.m. when he sat and played/watched Einstein for 1 hr. while my wife was able to sleep in. Good feels.

    Bless you guys.
    "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will RUN and not grow weary, they will WALK and not be faint."
    Isaiah 40:29-31

  10. #30
    I found that between 6-15 months the hardest physically. Heavy enough to make holding/lifting them more challenging, not mobile enough to climb up on to me etc.
    Sounds like you found a few things you can do, I'm sure you will find more. Before you know it he will be climbing up to you and you might figure out ways to play ball toss, coloring, duplo, play dough etc.

    And remember, our kids will never care that we weren't able to kick a soccer ball as long as we were there to cheer them on. Or hit the ball back with a leaf rake lol.
    Emily, C-8 sensory incomplete mom to a 8 year old and a preschooler. TEN! years post.

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