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Thread: Sperm Bank vs Adoption

  1. #1
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Sperm Bank vs Adoption

    Why is it that adoption is so regulated and that me, as a single disabled female, would probably have no luck in adopting a child? So expensive as well!

    Why is it that sperm donation seems inexpensive and does anyone know if they won't sell to certain people - like disabled females? Perhaps it's a 'doctor decision' in getting someone to artifically inseminate. Can they discriminate - I'm not thinking so?

    *Not going to have children ... just commiserating in my inability.

    And yet another dumb question:

    Is it wrong to want a child out of loneliness? This is a question I've seen come up time and time again in interviews with single mothers. I've seen some admit that they didn't want to be lonely, couldn't find the right man, were busy with their careers, etc.

    I'll tell ya what's up. A friend's neice whom I've known since she was about 1yr old is about to turn 22yrs old and is pregnant and due in May. The boyfriend fled at the first notion of becoming a father. She is an assistant manager at a dollar store and is still living with her parents (who are divorced - so when she doesn't get along with one, she moves in with the other and vice versa). It's probably because I went a little nuts baby shopping. I'm so freaking jealous though .. I should be happy for her.

    I also think of the 'so-called parents' that I've seen/read stories of through work and in the newspaper. There are some really terrible parents out there ... horrible parents.

    Most of the time I feel like I could do a much better job. I have a good income. I have a good home. I have a very supportive sister but distance is our problem. There would be no immediate family to help and that's a huge drawback .. could I afford daycare?

    (still not wanting children here...)

    It's a lifetime of responsibility. I learn new things about myself all the time ... new things around me ... I've been going back n forth about this subject since my early twenties.

    There was a guy before David who I genuinely adored. We worked together. He had neuro fibro mytosis. Genetic disorder which causes 'lumps' to form all over the body. I never pursued him for that reason alone - how hypocritical am I? I thought I wanted children at the time - that's why! Most ironically, he loved children - talked all the time of his neice and nephews. Foolish me twelve years later with Mr Wasted-My-Time.

    Failure. It's a huge fear. I suspect if I were healthy, I would be so inclined to dive in and do this. I can't depend upon my health.

    I had a dream last week that my sister had exactly twenty healthy babies. She gave me a boy and girl, was trying to pawn one off to my brother and his girlfriend, even offered my friend one .. it was so weird and out of the blue! I told my sister in an email; she said she would surrogate. I would never do that to anyone (she has notorious problems with high blood pressure and is 48yrs old). If anything ever happened I would never forgive myself. I replied to her email with the usual, "Haha very funny."

    I'm rambling because I haven't slept .. but I can audibly hear the loud tick tock at 35 .. and a half ... I've been talking about it for years. Talk is cheap! Pretty soon this condo is going to be empty when David leaves .. then forty is around the corner.

    I'm not afraid to die alone. It's a certainty that will come and I understand that.

    I asked David if he thought I would make a good mother .. he pointed to his head and said, "Up here, yes." But then he said, "Your potential for sickness, you're always tired, you kill plants (lol) and I always feed the cats.." I know he's right. Wouldn't be fair to such an innocent soul. Having a sick mother is a terrible psychological strain on a family.

    Sometimes life is just so freakin' unfair, ya know? This is how I feel robbed.
    Last edited by lynnifer; 03-08-2008 at 12:35 PM.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  2. #2
    Senior Member Jeff B's Avatar
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    I also often feel robbed of the life we should have had.

    Here's a hug () and a commiserating sigh.

  3. #3
    Hugs, I can hear the longing in your post... and you would be a great mother (I kill plants and forget to feed the cat too, but have two healthy kids lol). I think you are wise though, esp. as a single person, to consider your health.
    I wish I had a solution for you...
    Emily, C-8 sensory incomplete mom to a 8 year old and a preschooler. TEN! years post.

  4. #4
    You obviously have tremendous love to give and share.

    If I wasn't older than you, I'd want you to adopt me.

    My sister recently had a baby, and yea, holding a tiny newborn in my arms...

    *sigh*
    ... can I squeeze in there with ya'll in that commiserating?

  5. #5
    lynnifer, from the bottom of my heart I truly understand what you are feeling. All my life I wanted children and really believed I would. I watched so many friends and family have them when I was younger and although it bothered me then I still had hope that I would eventually find someone to settle down with and have children. It never happened and now the pain is worse. When I see family and friends now starting to have grandchildren I really choke up because the hope is gone at my age.

    I wish I could tell you what to do. I know what I would do if I were your age today with technology the way it is. I would either have invitro or have an embryo frozen. I understand the wanting of a child to fill in the hole in ones life or to even leave an extension of ones self. I don't believe it's selfish to want children for those reasons. Everyone wants someone to love and never to be alone. I heard a quote one time and it hit me like a knife in my side, "the pain of an empty womb."

    I have to hold back the tears when I when I see a newborn child. I truly believe you can wish you have what others have without it crossing the line of jealousy. Everyone has something that someone else would like, it does not mean you don't wish them well.

    From your post I can see that you would be a great mother. You have the insight, intellect and most importantly the wisdom it takes to raise a child. Don't even believe that because of your disability you shouldn't be a parent. If children were only born to those who deserved them or to those who would be the best of parents then no one would have them and we would all cease to exist. I look around and although I would make many mistakes others have made I don't believe that I would have done any worse.

    I now ask myself this question. Is a child better off coming into the world with two parents only to loose the family unit to divorce or being born to a single parent and never to have that family. If I were in my 30's and had the financial resources I would most definitely have a child even without a significant other and even having this sci. But you know what they say; would of, could of, should of.

    I wish you the best in this struggle and know that I truly understand the pain of being childless as a person with a disability. It feels like you were robbed of all the basics life had to offer. You don't have to feel that way. The choice is yours and if you choose to have a child that child would be blessed to have you, wheather it's your dna or adopted.

  6. #6
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    i understand your longing only too well. all i ever wanted was to grow up, marry and have a houseful of children. i was never the high powered career woman, my heart just longed for family.

    so i got married and never even used any birth control and i didnt get pg. long story short, i couldnt get pg. i used to cringe at every baby shower at work, and in our family. i was thrilled for the mother to be (and father to be ) but so sad at my own loss.

    in the end, we chose adoption. i was ab then and it was still very hard. if you can have a child, you just have it and do not have to meet any standards or anything, but if you wish to adopt you have to border on sainthood. i remember the day the caseworker came into our house and went through our closets and drawers and even our out building.

    i have also been a foster parent. a mixed blessing. so wonderful to make a difference in a child's life, so heart wrenching to have them have to leave.

    i just had a thought to throw out to you. i know you are speaking of a newborn in your arms, and i was blessed to have my daughter as a newborn, but my son was older. i have to tell you that love grows in your heart. it is not something that just happens because you have a child...look at all the unloved children with natural parents. and love can grow at any age, be it a newborn, a 5 year old or a 10 year old.

    i know how difficult the adoption process is, but sadly, for hard to place children, the rules are so much more lacks. have you thought about adopting an older child? or a minority child? sibling group? or possibly a child who needs some extra care (which may be difficult for those of us with disabilities..but those children are seldom adopted).

    everyone wants the perfectly formed, newborn. and sadly, everyday older a child gets, the bigger the chance he will never be adopted. children who are less than perfect are also left on the wayside. and minority children seem to have a much tougher time finding adoptive homes too.

    one thing with adoption, if you think you would want to follow that route, you do have to consider your age. most agencies will put age restrictions and for some it is 40, others 45. each has its own rules. even at that, they often make exceptions if you take a hard to place child.

    i think in some ways, an older child needs the adoption even more than the newborn. they have lived through so much and been passed around and they are so grateful to have a permanent home, stablity and someone who genuinely loves them.

    i dont think that it takes 2 parents and a child to make a home. it just takes love and i think you have plenty of that to go around. if you want a child, then you should weigh your options regarding whether you want to birth a child or adopt and then go for it. your disability will not impair your ability to love and that is what a child needs most.

    you spoke of being lonely but maybe it isnt so much loneliness as longing?

    one thing you said that struck me...

    I can't depend upon my health.
    that maybe true, but in reality, no one is promised good health. no one is guaranteed when they have a child that they will remain healthy or even live to see the child reach adulthood. there is cancer and illness and car accidents and random shootings. i was ab when my children were little, but that changed in a heartbeat. you will face challenges with your health, but our health is a day to day thing and no one is promised to be spared from physical maladies. dont let your health rob you of motherhood, but moreover, dont let your health rob a child of a loving mother.

    if this is something you want, then you should do it.

  7. #7
    I understand how you feel. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and I held off on wanting children for the longest time because of his SCI. Wanting to make sure we had enough money saved, how we would deal with sickness, and family support with children.

    We finally decided the time is right. When I first learned he wasn't able to get me pregnant, I was angry. Being the AB I felt robbed, that this was one more thing to deal with. I didn't want to shop at a sperm bank or think about adoption (had a bad experience previously). Every time I hear about the number of children that are abused by thier parents or teenagers having child, I just want to get sick.

    After taking some time to think, I realized that it doesn't matter. I want to be a mom, just like you. I am open to ideas and ready to make the next step.

    A neighbor of my parents went through the sperm donor process by herself. She just wanted to have a baby and is a great mom. I think you should decide what makes you happy and move forward. Taking time to smell the roses doesn't always work for fertility. Word of advice, don't ask others if you would be a great mom, their is no manual on motherhood or list of features that makes a good mom-its whats in your heart. Learn to trust your own judgement and be confident.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by spinky88
    [SIZE=3]
    that maybe true, but in reality, no one is promised good health. no one is guaranteed when they have a child that they will remain healthy or even live to see the child reach adulthood. there is cancer and illness and car accidents and random shootings. i was ab when my children were little, but that changed in a heartbeat. you will face challenges with your health, but our health is a day to day thing and no one is promised to be spared from physical maladies. dont let your health rob you of motherhood, but moreover, dont let your health rob a child of a loving mother.

    if this is something you want, then you should do it.
    I didn't figure on becoming SCI when mine was 11! I don't think either of us would trade the other, though.

    Jenn, no matter what, it's the world's biggest crapshoot. Amazing to me that people brag about their kids and sentimentalize motherhood, but never admit that it's all a roll of the dice.

    I think you'd be a wonderful mom. No matter what, I respect your choice. Only an idiot is fully grown and not afraid of parenthood. You're no idiot.

    Congrats, chick. I always wanted to be an aunt...Sigh. I'd have been good at that.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by chick

    My sister recently had a baby, and yea, holding a tiny newborn in my arms...

    *sigh*
    ... can I squeeze in there with ya'll in that commiserating?
    Baby L looked good on you!
    There is still time, if you need some sperms I probably have some lying around here somewhere. Let me know. We could co-parent.
    Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know that, so it goes on flying anyways--Mary Kay Ash

  10. #10
    Senior Member Zeus's Avatar
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    Women aren't the only ones that feel longing. It's horrible to admit on some level, but when I play with my niece & nephew (something I get to do a lot of and relish more than words can convey) I can't help but feel a little bit of jealously.

    Jealousy not just for the absence of children (as a 33 y.o. male there's still time, but for all I know I'm sterile) but for the inability to do the physical things a father longs to do with their children.

    Just to rock a baby to sleep in my arms...

    Chris.
    Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood! Larry in 'Closer', a play by Partick Marber

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