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Thread: Need advise

  1. #1

    Need advise

    Marriage & Personal care

    First of all let me give you the background. I’m a C4 quadriplegic. I have been injured for 22 years. I and my wife have been together for 15 years, although we only have gotten married a year ago. She is my primary caregiver, and I have one other caregiver that comes in for an hour in the morning in three times a week to do my showers. We decided to take in, my cousin is mildly retarded and special needs because of the family situation that he was in which his father denied his problems and always pawned him off on his mother whenever CPS was called (about seven times), Payton was molested by several other older boys. When he was nine years old and nothing was ever done about it. We got him when he was 11 years old and took care of him for two years. We had been fighting in court with his father for the two years, have spent thousands and finally got him to settle for him living with us. Until he had what’s called a freak out where he screamed for hours. And there was nothing we could do, the next day when he started again, and that’s when my wife called his father to come get him. Because I am in bed, a lot it is up to my wife to be taking care of Payton in the evenings. Julie cannot handle taking care of him and me. So she decided to give him up. She said that was the deal breaker for her. We were just about to get him the help he needs, and I am very heartbroken about it. She can’t handle taking care of me by herself, and the mention of getting another caregiver starts a fight. She doesn’t want to “share” her bedroom with another person. Trust issues are BIG with other people. My one caregiver has been with me for 15 years and is very trustworthy. I want to put this marriage on hold until we get this worked out. Without my wife being my caregiver, I don’t know where I would be. Since we can’t have kids in the “conventional” way, we would have to adopt and what’s to say if that happened with an adopted child, where would we be. I need advise NOW! We need help NOW! I’m lost in my world and I’m not happy.

  2. #2
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Can you pay for specialized schooling or counselling for Payton, even though he's living with his father? You could still be a big part of his life - if the father would let you. That's a tremendous way to help him, if you still want to. Where is Payton's biological mother in all this?

    Sounds like your plate is overflowing .. but I can't blame your wife for saying she can't do both. At least she's being honest, instead of holding it in and letting it ruin your marriage ... ?
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  3. #3
    I agree with Lynnifer, your wife is being honest in what she can cope with and is really putting you first. There must be some way you can support and help Payton other than have him live with you. I am not sure about the difficulty of getting another caregiver for you but perhaps your wife is comfortable with the work she does for you and feels another person would undermine her.

  4. #4
    Senior Member zilnh's Avatar
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    Sep 2007
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    New Hampshire
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    I don't know what state you live in, but maybe respite care would help Payton? Many states have programs so that families can have a break. Can be in home or out. Certainly the child could still live with you, but if your wife knows that for X numbers of hours/week she won't be splitting in two trying to make life work, it might be a lot easier.

    Thanks,
    Liz
    I wished upon a falling star, I wished it had not fallen...

  5. #5
    She has to have worn herself out. We dont have the same situation, but something along these lines (I take care of my step sons alot who are a handful and our 2 toddlers and run the household). I know sometimes I feel overwhelmed and want to give up on the older kids. For me it is when my husband isn't understanding or appreciative of how hard I work for the family. Could you be taking her for granted?

    Also, your nephew, he might have far more problems then you fully appreciate. He may need specialized care and intensive therapy and perhaps it really is just more then any one person can take on. I know you want to save him...and I know it is hard when two people who are partners dont agree on the same path. You two need to really talk openly and see where eachother is coming from.
    - Moody

  6. #6
    Thanks everyone for your advise. Yes she is wore out and she is being honest about how much she can take. I told myself if the courts decide he should go back to his dad then I was going to wash my hands of it and move on. With it happening this way I'm having just a little more difficult time washing my hands. I know they are going to do what they are going to do. We don't don't talk because my aunt who started all this going stabbed us in the back when it came down to court time costing us thousands in lawyer fees. If I tried to sue her would be pointless as they're broke more than us.

    Moody: Also, your nephew, he might have far more problems then you fully appreciate.
    That is VERY true. My aunt didn't tell us anything of his special needs, at least how deep they went. Which made us jump in way over our heads.

    lynnifer: Can you pay for specialized schooling or counselling for Payton, even though he's living with his father?
    His dad denies he's special needs, just says he's slow. Denies he was sexually abuses by other boys because if he denies it, it'll just go away. A lot of Paytons behavior problems stem from that incident, but dad denies it.

    It's out of our hands now because I don't want to talk to them, only Payton cann come stay over if he wants to
    Cripp

  7. #7
    Hi,
    I have a special needs child, and on the best of days its hard. His dad pretends there is nothing 'much' wrong too. It's frustrating. I refuse to let him into some programs because of my fears of abuse. But even a biological parent 'burns out'. Since he is not your child, all you can do is be there. He should have a case worker that should be advocating for his care.
    You and your wife have alot on your plate as is, and should think long and hard before bringing more to it. I don't think now would be the time to talk about adoption if your thinking of putting your marriage on hold.
    Can you caregiver work more hours? Maybe your wife would accept that, if only to get out on her own for a bit. Tell her she need the break, that you want her to relax and have a little fun and not worry about taking care of you all the time. She is your wife first,not the 'caregiver', and deserves it. (it might work)
    Deborah

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