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Thread: Fostering before Adopting

  1. #1

    Fostering before Adopting

    Was fostering a child before adopting a good or bad experience?

    My husband and I fostered/loved my cousins child for 2 ½ years (8 month old baby at the time), thinking we were going to adopt him. After viewing the DCFS system, it was horrible and I really feel sorry for children who have to deal with the court system and social workers. Other foster parents have told us that dealing with family situations are always stressful and not the norm.

    Now faced with adoption as a possibility, we are researching all of our options. My husband is pushing the adoption note since we already have the license and had to go through a long clearing procee with his SCI. He has also requested information from a private adoption agency.

    Has anyone had a great experience with fostering/adopting a child, and if yes-how long did it take? What was the age? Would you do it again? We really want a baby or up to 2.

    I am very leery and don’t want to make the same mistake twice. Your experience and advice is appreciated.

  2. #2
    I have a new nephew, adopted at birth though. So far he seems to be satisfactory. Actually, he's pretty darned dandy. It actually didn't take that long. They went through the process, didn't know for sure they'd been accepted when they got a call to pick up the baby in 9 hours. As I recall the whole time was a year or so. Then another six months to a year or so for the adoption to be legal and final. He's 15 months now.

    I think any way you can offer a loving home to a child that needs one is a marvel of serendipity and God. What could be more important? Sorry for your previous bad experience, I hope the child is in a warm loving place. Ultimately, that's what is needed. We're the conduits of the warmth and the love, I think. Heartbreak for the adults is unfortunate but the fate of the kid is paramount.

    I hope you'll get what you want and not be discouraged by your previous experience. Parenting a biological child is also a crap shoot, a roll of the dice. You never know what you're going to get. The brave go ahead and risk it. It's a leap of faith.

  3. #3
    Thanks for the encouragement. I hope you don't mind my asking, but what type of agency did your relative go through?

    Mag

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Jan 2008
    Location
    south central virginia
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    273
    hi mag,

    just read your post and wanted to respond. i am the proud mother of two adopted angels...well..angels most of the time! lol the one thing you need to know is that a baby is born and deserves to be loved. i believe that genetic babies grow in your belly and adopted children grow in your heart. i can honestly say to you that once a child is laid in your arms, the place they were incubated is irrelavant. being a parent has to do with love not an egg and a sperm meeting. becoming a family is all about loving, laughing, sharing life. once you have your baby in your arms the way your family was put together is never an issue. children, both adopted and biological are born, grow and make their own decisions. all parents just have to do the best job they can and pray that their children grow up and come through it all ok.

    one of my children was adopted through a private adoption and the other one we fostered and then adopted. you need to know one important thing...all foster care workers/social workers believe that children are always better off in their biological environment. that is a load of bull!!!! so they always work to get the child out of foster care and back into their biological home if at all possible.

    your best bet for fostering becoming an adoptive situation is to be open and honest with your social worker and ask to foster a child that has already been released for adoption and parental rights have been severed. this will eliminate the possibility of the child being sent back to the biological parent.

    there are so many children available for adoption that you do not necessarily need to foster in order to adopt. i dont know about your state, but in my state, the clearance for fostering is way less stringent than for adoption. you can easily be accepted for fostering but the adoption clearance process is extremely complicated and much longer.

    you can actually adopt rather quickly if you are willing to take a hard to place child. this includes minority children, special needs children and older children.

    some people want to foster prior to adoption to sort of try out the child. i guess that is a personal preference but not one for me. my feeling is that if a child is placed with me, then there is a reason for that and some how it is meant to be. if i were to get pregnant and have a child, i couldnt send it back and i dont think a child who is living in foster care should be faced with the disappointment of "not being good enough" and sent back either. i am not saying this is you, nor am i criticizing anyone who feels they need to go about adoption in this manner. all i am saying is that is now how i view it. children in foster care are packed up and moved on any little whim. some times it can be that the foster family wants to take a vacation and doesnt want to include the foster child and the child gets packed up and moved elsewhere. it is a very transient life for the children and their hopes and prayers for a permanent family are constantly being dashed.

    private agencies generally do not foster to adopt as the children they have for placement have usually already been released. there is a huge difference in the cost of an adoption through a private agency than through the state social service/fostering agencies.

    our experience on both fronts was wonderful. i would do it all over again in a heartbeat. as a matter of fact when my first husband walked out on me and the children, and i later met and married my current husband, we intended to adopt again. however, due to our ages...we are old to be new parents! lol and due to my health, we had to weigh whether we were prepared for diapers and school and homework and little league and puberty and..well...we decided that it was a bit late in life to start over. we still toy with the idea of fostering but it is a lot to think about at our ages...40 somethings.

    i would say go for it. either way, private or through the state it will be worth it! i am sorry for your sad outcome with your baby you had for 8 months. it is so very very hard to love a child and have to return him to his natural parent. the grieving process is the same as in losing a child to death as they are gone to you. my first foster child was taken away and put back in his natural and abusive home and it was almost more than i could endure. in my initial search to adopt, we had 4 adoptions (private) fall through before we finally got our daughter. the depression and heartache was immeasurable but at least we did not have the babies in our arms and have them taken away as you have had to endure. you did not say what happened with your cousins child, so i assume he went back to the natural mother?so does that mean you at least have contact?

    i know that after your first attempt it is pretty scary but i promise you, it is worth everything when YOUR child is finally united with you. dont let that experience rob you of growing your family even though it is hard to trust again.

    take care.

  5. #5
    Spinky-
    Thanks for the information and encouragement. I do agree with many of the points you make. Whatever is meant to be will happen. I have learned not to get your hopes up because when you fall it hurts twice as bad.

    As for the little man in our lives for 2 1/2 years, he went back to my cousin-his mother. Four months later her b/f threw here up against a wall and broke his arm in 2 places. Because of our screwed up system, she crossed state lines and placed him with a friend and the state could not cease him. She later let the family friend take legal custody of him, but the family doesn't allow any of us to visit, see, or have pictures of him. We haven't seen him for over 2 years. Personally I don't want too-I've accepted that he is not my child-never will be and for sanity I have to move on.

    Maybe I am not in the right state of mind to make these decisions. I think if I lost out on an adoption now-I would loose it mentally. My heart goes out to those who are strong enough to deal with it.

  6. #6
    Have you considered international adoption? My husband has a t2 complete injury. We easily adopted 2 children from Guatemala. Right now guate is closed but may reopen in may of 08. ethiopia and viet nam are countries you can look at.

    I cant imagine having a disrupted adoption...the heart ache must be unbarable at times. we went through 5 years trying to have a baby, having several miscarriages along the way. the pain does fade after children and you understand why you were on the path you were on.
    - Moody

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