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Thread: Is He Unthankful Or Just Depressed?

  1. #11
    SoFla--it's not his money that is in question, it's hers. He spends the $1700 he takes in, plus the additional money his sister chips in, and wants an additional $100 a month allowance on top of that.

    Vickie, I really commend you on your patience, loyalty and generousity to your brother. It is too bad that he is unable to demonstrate appreciation for all that you have undertaken and all that you continue to do for your brother.

    You really need to let him know that he needs to start taking more responsibility for his life. That should start with his finances.

    From what I understand from your posts, Vickie, you are already subsidizing his finances and he wants the money he receives from assistance, the additional money out of your pocket to cover his expenses, and an additional $100. It is not unreasonable for him to want pocket money (in addition to someone supplying his cigarettes, alcohol, gas, eating-out expenses)--it is unreason for him to expect you to provide it. By continuing to support him, you are enabling him to continue living without taking financial responsibility for his life.

    I would urge you to reconsider your actions. Even if drugs were not in the picture, it is unrealistic for you to provide for his every want for the rest of his life. And especially because drugs may be a factor--unless you are extremely wealthy (and even if you were) he could very likely drain you of ever penny without ever satisfying his "high."
    Daniel

  2. #12

    Thanks For Input Everyone

    I thank you all for the much needed input. I knew I could depend on ya'll to help me out here.

    1. I have already tried to get him to go to a detox unit, NOPE.
    2. I have already scheduled him with a counselor - went 2 times and figured he knew MORE than the counselor and he was wasting his time on it. She sounded too much like ME. Didn't agree with him on everything he said to her.
    3. He would be insulted if I tried to take him to an AA/NA meeting, but I will try to find time to attend one myself, we do have them locally.
    4. I will give him the $100/month he's asking for because ultimately I can see where he'd want his own money. I was more worried about him winding up in jail over what he BOUGHT with the money than the giving it to him. If he winds up in jail, so be it.
    5. He's been wanting "water therapy". I think they have a pool 25 miles north of here that he might could get in for that. He's always wanted to get in the water, says he thinks he can move his legs more freely there, though he's never been in water post injury. I really believe he could stand on his one good leg if he could get in an upright position every now and then. We don't have a standing board (I've wished for one on more than one occasion). He's always in a sitting position or laying position.

    Ultimately, I think a lot of my problem is that I have finally "run out of gas" where he is concerned. I'm so tired, physically and mentally, that I have let some things go that I once was on top of. I would like to wake up one morning and not have to focus my entire day around him and his activities and lack thereof.

    He does have two good used vans sitting in his front yard to go in. I have offered to put gas in them, let the sitters take him fishing or hunting or to movies. Arranged a trip like this a time or two, he never made it. Says he doesn't WANT to go with state sitters, wants to go with his friends. Well, his friends shy away from him because they don't understand the paralysis factor and are afraid to take him with them anywhere because they don't know how to tend to him (I guess). They don't come around needless to say. The few that DO come around, usually don't make the second trip because he wants them to help him get the "stuff" and they are afraid it will hurt him, he winds up getting mad at them and cursing them, they leave and don't come back.

    I am going to give him a little rope here and see if he takes it and runs. Will let ya'll know the outcome later down the line.

    Thanks again for the input! Several of you gave me a "pat on the back" that I guess I needed worse than I thought. Though family often gives me those, it means a lot for others to say it - it helps. Thank you so much.

    Vickie

  3. #13

    Thumbs up I Second That, Dan!

    Vicki,

    I agree with everything that Dan has said and will also suggest that you give up on taking your brother to the AA meetings... you need to step into the Al-Anon rooms and enjoy listening for awhile. The Al-Anon room will help you get strong with the support that you need in your life. If your brother has any kids, they need the Alateen groups! (I'm a 95 Graduate)

    Bless your heart for caring so much about him, but he needs to face the facts of life some time. No time like the present!

    Swampy
    Last edited by Swampfox; 01-14-2008 at 07:15 PM.

  4. #14

    Thanks Swampy

    I Will Go To Al-anon As Soon As I Can Muster Up The Time And Energy To Do So.

    My Brother Is 48 Years Old, His Only Daughter Is Pushing 30 And Already Has A 4 Year Old Child (his Grandchild). She Communicates By Letter And Phone, Has Come To See Him About Three Times In Three Years. She Is Content To Stay Away (in Oklahoma) And Let Me Take Care Of Her Dad, Which Is Fine As Long As She Keeps Her Input To Herself. She Did Actually Tell Me About His Drug Problem Early On In All This, Although I Believed Her, Didn't Realize How Serious It Really Was. He Worships The Ground She Walks On And Loves His Grandchild Dearly. I Have Shipped Christmas Presents To Oklahoma Every Year Since He's Been Paralyzed. I Have Never Cared Much For Her Based On Her Treatment To Her Dad Her Whole Life (the Mother Deserted Them Both Right After She Was Born - He Raised Her). She's Selfish And Cares Only For Herself, Not A Trait I Like.

    Anyway, Thanks For Your Input.
    Vickie

  5. #15
    Senior Member
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    Vickie, I have a similar situation in my family. Can you look at your niece from another viewpoint? Perhaps what you see as selfish, is her attempt to protect herself, and her child, from her druggie dad.

    My nieces were raised by my brother. Although he worshiped the ground they walk on, their alcoholic father would get verbally abusive when drunk, which was all the time.

    I urge you to find the time and energy to attend a few meetings. It will give you some insight into your niece's seemingly selfish behavior.

  6. #16

    Thanks SoFla

    I'd already thought of that one. She may very well be protecting herself from what I'm going through right now. There is much more to the "rest of the story" on her, though. Too enormous to go into here, but trust me, she IS selfish - gets it honest from her mother's side I think - maybe even from HIM (my brother).

    Anyway, I will try to attend those meetings ASAP.

    Thanks for your input. I do appreciate it very much.
    Vickie

  7. #17
    Senior Member
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    There is always the "rest of the story." But only those who live in the house with the substance abuser really knows the whole story. There are members of my family who blame my brother's ex for his substance abuse. His daughters' have been given blame, too.

    I've attended many meetings, and look at it differently. When it is all boiled down, only my brother was responsible for his alcohol comsumption. I have great respect for my nieces for becoming the strong women that they are, overcoming great odds.

    Get to some meetings, Vickie. Keep in touch.

  8. #18
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
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    Hi Vickie ..... sorry for all you're having to deal with here! I thought you might find this link helpful .. I found it when I was surfing for help with my own gambling/alcoholic brother ! All the best .... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/

    Obieone
    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  9. #19

    Thanks Obieone

    Got that website in my "favorites" now. Will go there often.

    You all have been so helpful. I appreciate it.

    Vickie

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