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Thread: OMG, What do I do with my mom?

  1. #21
    Becky, has your mum ever said what she thinks you should be doing or how you could try harder. I am a mum of a sci child but I also have to deal with my own mother who says things which can make me feel as if I am not doing enough. Her favourite thing is "Just make him do it" - I point out how many things Sean "has to do already" on a daily basis and ask her how I am to fit this extra thing in. She never has an answer - it is easy to be an expert on the outside. If your mum had to actually think about what she wants you to do - it might make her understand/ look at what you have already achieved and that spending all energy on trying to walk might be better spent on living your life.

    Getting her to be more specific might make it easier for you to understand where she is coming from. I know I get angry when my mum makes these comments and react to them, however sometimes my interpretation is not what she means. Let her know you are hurt by her comments.

    I am caught in that delemia at the moment do I keep pushing my son and finding the point where the amount of effort/time/money/hardship is balanced by what improvement can be translated into his daily life.

  2. #22
    Soimumireland,
    Unfortunately she is already very specific. She wants me to walk and be "normal" again. Well, HELLO, so do I. She actually wanted me to not go to school at all until I was walking. I got a lot of crap about that from my whole family. Last Christmas was a bash Becky day about why she isn't walking yet. I think that I am going to ask my doctor to speak with her but the sad thing is, she will say one thing to him and then when I see her, she will all of a sudden turn Dr. Jekyl/Mr Hyde on me, start yelling about how my priorities are all messed up. I'm sorry, I am not going to stop living my life and moving forward with it at the same time. She is afraid that doing things other then therapy all the time is going to take away from precious time. I'm sorry, even if I wanted to be in a gym all day, it would be physically impossible. I am sorry that you also have to deal with this but, at the same time I don't feel as "abnormal". My advice for you is please don't push your son. I am not sure how old he is. But, I know that when I am pushed beyond what I can do and fail at something that I feel I should have succeeded at, I get very angry. Anger is not good for anyone.

    Becky
    Chicago, IL
    T8-9 according to latest scoring.......
    since 1/3/04

    I am the best at being me. No matter how that happens to be!!

  3. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by bcsimpsons
    I know you are trying to give advice but the comment about "only you know if you are trying hard enough, etc....." that you made I don't think was appropriate. In the three and a half years from the time of my injury, I have spent a good 2 and 3/4 years in a therapy program of one form or another all while going to school full time.
    Um... OK... so... what did I say that was inappropriate? I wasn't questioning you. I wasn't implying that you hadn't done enough. (trust me, telling anyone else that they should spend more time working out or in therapy would be highly hypocritical coming from me) I literally meant that your mother is not the one to judge this for you, that YOU should be your own judge. I don't know you. I'm sure as Hel not gonna make that judgment.

    Like you also said, it would be nice if I had people standing behiind me willing to help and not make me feel better or second guess myself. i know that I am the only one that can answer the questions about how hard I am working etc and the answer always comes back the same, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! However, that does not change the fact that the people who are supposed to love me no matter what and support me and encourage me no matter what have all of a sudden stopped doing that. I hope that makes sense. I don't mean to upset you or anything but after reading your reply I felt like I had to say some of these things.
    Hey, you're not upsetting me! I'm sorry that I've said something that hit you the wrong way. I'm just really, really confused as to exactly what I said that rubbed you the wrong way. Out of anything I posted last night, this is the last post I expected to be taken negatively. Man, I must not have a clue about what I'm saying if even this can be misconstrued.

    Do me a favor, take another stab at telling me what you were unhappy with in that first post. I really would like to understand how a post that I thought was totally supportive ended up putting you on the defensive.

    the people who are supposed to love me no matter what and support me and encourage me no matter what have all of a sudden stopped doing that
    At this point would it just make things worse to note that sometimes family sux and nothing we do as individuals will change that? Sometimes our families fail us and it hurts, but we need to reject their negativity, refuse to let it colour our lives, and move forward in the direction we feel is best for ourselves. It sounds like you've been doing that, but are still struggling emotionally with the loss of support. I wish I had magick words to give you to say to your mother to refocus her, but if I had those magick words I would have used them on one or two people I personally know already. When I read your first post and read this one, I felt the same thing. I just wish you strength and hope that eventually your family will deal with your injury more completely and find a way to accept your new reality and help you find the best life you can with whatever your future brings.

    C.

  4. #24
    The time will come that you can blow her negativity off. It comes with age and distance. (Not sure of your age, I think you're quite young.) It's a shame, but sometimes family is not what you see in the Hallmark commercials. You have to do what YOU believe is right, because YOU are the one that will live with the consequences. I suppose everyone feels hurt by family, mine break my heart regularly.

    Dr. Young says studies show that the single greatest contributor to post-injury happiness is education. That's right, it isn't recovery. I think you SHOULD work hard at PT. I also think you need to get your ducks in a row to be financially independent and fulfilled in your employment for the rest of your life.

    With age and distance, I learned to agree with Dad to his face, then go on about my life. He, and I bet your mom, want what's best. To their eyes, best can't happen in a wheelchair. You and I know something they don't. We know we'd better make sure best CAN happen in a wheelchair, because fate has decided that's our mode of movement. You can argue w/ your mom till you're blue in the face, or you can believe she means well but doesn't know everything. Good luck.

  5. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by Tiger Racing
    Do me a favor, take another stab at telling me what you were unhappy with in that first post. I really would like to understand how a post that I thought was totally supportive ended up putting you on the defensive.

    C.
    By the gods, miscommunication just seems to cling to the chosen one.


  6. #26
    Senior Member
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    Mom's want to fix exerything, and the trouble here, is she can't. (Or at least part of the trouble) As a mom I can relate to that, but as a daughter with an SCI, the fact that MY Mom has unreasonable goals for me grates on me as well! I think maybe if you can take it less to heart, and just keep plugging on, it might help? Try to accept that she is going to be like this and do what you need to do. I'm sure it is MUCH easier for me to say this, as I have kids almost your age, and am no longer living at home. Yes, therapy is important, but right now I think the most important things for you are to work at getting independant, and able to move away from home. Then you can start racking up the time and distance Bethany is talking about.

    Hope things get better for you.
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  7. #27
    I forgot to add that another reason she is giving me such a hard time right now is all of that news about Evertt. She says, well since he can do, X,Y,and Z, why can't you? whats wrong with the way your going about things. I have tried to explain to her the differences and his being an acute injury and mine being four years old. I have tried to do all the teaching that I can and I am just at a total lose of what to even say next. I tried to explain that every injury is different and all of that. I know mothers will be mothers but for pete's sake, there is nothing in a mothers definintion that says to make your child feel like they are a failure.

    Becky
    Chicago, IL
    T8-9 according to latest scoring.......
    since 1/3/04

    I am the best at being me. No matter how that happens to be!!

  8. #28
    I just remembered something. I gave my Dad and stepmom John Hockenberry's book "Moving Violations" in the vain hope they'd catch a clue about sci and my life. You may know, he's a successful journalist. My stepmom read the book and asked : "How come he can ride camels in Iraq but you can't?"

    1. He's a para, I'm a quad.
    2. He was injured at 19; I was 40.
    3. He didn't have family and home to care for.
    4. He wasn't PTing his butt off trying to walk.
    5. I don't really like riding camels much!

    This was especially disheartening because stepmom used to be a nurse and Dad believes she knows all about physical things. When I was released from rehab after 8 weeks, she told Dad I must have been kicked out because she'd known a para that stayed at Craig for 6 months. 25 years ago, ever heard of insurance companies not wanting to spend money??? I got a letter from my PT saying I worked harder at rehab than anyone she'd seen and sent it to Dad LOL. (I was always in trouble for sneaking into the gym when it wasn't my time, to work out more.)

    I'm just telling you this story so you know you're not alone. The fact I'd forgotten kind of proves my point about time and distance too. You just can't change some people.

    PS-Tell your mom your big mistake was not being in the NFL, being an anonymous student, not being stinking rich and not getting injured playing football in 2007. That guy (Everett) had an incomplete injury, the best of medical care on-site and deep pockets to fund the treatment. We won't see many SCI's with that set of circumstances.
    Last edited by betheny; 09-15-2007 at 11:45 PM.

  9. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by Le Type Fran├žais
    By the gods, miscommunication just seems to cling to the chosen one.
    And this is you contributing? You seriously need to get over your pettiness. There is no defense you can give for this little jab as it has NOTHING to do with the topic at hand. You only posted to snipe at me.

    And I am not "the" chosen one. I am "a" chosen one. Huge difference.

    C.

  10. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by Tiger Racing
    And I am not "the" chosen one. I am "a" chosen one. Huge difference.

    C.
    Sweet.


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