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Thread: ramble ramble ramble...but I love them so.

  1. #1
    Senior Member cali's Avatar
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    ramble ramble ramble...but I love them so.

    I wrote this to my teacher; I'm not so sure why, but she makes me feel like she gives a shit and would appreciate what I'd have to say, so I said it.


    As you know, I'm wheel chair bound; but as natural as it seems for me to want to gush about the importance of stem cell research, I don't. Besides, I have no personal experience with stem cells, just that it's nothing but a glimmer of hope for me to walk. I'm not depending on that, and I never have. I pretend (or maybe I'm not) that there is no such hope for me in that a theraputic treatment will help heal me. Although I do support stem cell research, and not just for my own benefit, I just don't feel it's something I have any true experience with. The only experience with it is what I've just told you. So I just keep my body in shape and do everything I can as if that possibility was never considered.

    I'm able to use my hands pretty well and I'm independent, but there are others out there who can't wash their face, scratch their nose, or even breathe on their own. I can't imagine how devastating it is to have that glimmer be so untangible and unattainable and have that be the only thing that would get them a step closer to physical and social normalcy. Even though I couldn't use my hands at first, I'm very lucky that I can now; but even being a little closer to their position at the early stages of my paralysis, I can't speak for them just how it feels to them to know that there is a glimmer, and that maybe that's all it will ever be for them or anyone else paralyzed.

    What I've gone through and what I've seen makes me wiser and stronger, but it also makes me so weary. At 21, I shouldn't have to feel this way; I shouldn't have to see so much pain in peoples' eyes and peoples' words. But I do. I am strong, but like I said, I get so weary at times seeing what I do. I'm not angry about what happened to me; it was an honest accident. I was in an SUV roll over August 17th, 2004; a few months after I had graduated from high school, and exactly one week before I was to start college at HACC. I remember everything that day, the odd thoughts one has that you dismiss as dumbness to watching my hands get worse and worse before my eyes and never recognizing it as something so serious. I laugh when I think that while I was life lined to Hershey, I just looked out the window and just enjoyed the view. That's just how I am. I joke and say I'm easily amused because I grew up without cable. The truth is, I just love life; but it isn't always so wonderful. I'm just rambling, but these are things I think people need to know. They need to look into themselves and open their dusty box of scary and intimidating realities of themselves and life. Mine just happened to be busted open for me whether I liked it or not. I'm glad it was.

    But like I said, the emotions, realizations, and pain become overwhelming at times and I feel weary. I feel like John Koffee in the Green Mile. I can't ignore it. But I can't wallow in it either; but sometimes I do need that vine to grab onto to pull myself out of the quicksand. I'm not talking about depression; I've never been depressed, just disheartened and tired. Next month will be three years and I feel like mentally I've become fourty and my body has become sixty. Despite all this, I'm glad and proud of how much I've grown and I appreciate what I've come to realize in life as well as people. This is what I want people to know. A friend of mine has a quote displayed on a forum that I really enjoy. "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most pick themselves up and hurry on as if nothing had happened." - Winston Churchill. And how true it is. That dusty box must be pretty damn scary. Mine is, "My familiarity with thee has bred contempt." - Don Quixote. I guess sometimes I don't like what I see around me at times and I just want out. But then my personality and sense of humor always get the better of me and has me add another phrase, "You will continue to earn the enimity of everyone in your community when the mayor once again cites you as the reason your city can't have nice things." It doesn't mean anything really, it just made me laugh.

    I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, I just think maybe people need to know the burdons of realizations aren't always found through discussions, agruments, constantly telling your side or thoughts, and, well, I don't know what else. Yes, I think this is an official ramble; but I think you're able to see and understand it, and I'm really glad for it. These are the most prevalent things in my life so far. I wish I could think of a concrete counter-argument and refute as a well as some sort of policy it relates to, but I'm afraid I can't right now, or maybe ever. I guess these things I've shared with you just have to be a paper of itself that owns no grade.
    Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway

    Frank's blog:
    http://www.franktalk-scurry.blogspot.com
    My regular blog:
    http://www.ithinkithinktoomuchblog.blogspot.com

  2. #2
    Senior Member BeeBee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cali
    it was an honest accident. I was in an SUV roll over August 17th, 2004; a few months after I had graduated from high school, and exactly one week before I was to start college .
    I didn't realize how "close" we are, Cali. My son was injured on Aug. 14, 2004 also in a rollover SUV (Ford Explorer) one week before he was to start his sr. high school year. We were still in the PICU when you took your life flight.

    A very touching dialog. Realistic, not whiney, but no Pollyanna, either. You had to grow up way too fast, and become much to dependent at the same time. I've watched this struggle, though from a lower level (T12) and know how hard it is. Keep laughin', its better than crying.
    BeeBee

  3. #3
    Senior Member Zeus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cali
    I'm not talking about depression; I've never been depressed, just disheartened and tired. Next month will be three years and I feel like mentally I've become fourty and my body has become sixty.
    Cali - you're rambling.

    The weariness associated with SCI, the struggle I must endure just to accomplish the mundane, that is the toll few see in my eyes. I've never been depressed, ever, but I have been oh so weary.

    Over the past couple of years I can't shake the feeling that, were I to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, I would just be relieved. At last, the battle ends...

    Chris.
    Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood! Larry in 'Closer', a play by Partick Marber

  4. #4
    Senior Member cali's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cspanos
    Cali - you're rambling.

    The weariness associated with SCI, the struggle I must endure just to accomplish the mundane, that is the toll few see in my eyes. I've never been depressed, ever, but I have been oh so weary.

    Over the past couple of years I can't shake the feeling that, were I to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, I would just be relieved. At last, the battle ends...

    Chris.
    chris- i know

    i love ya, you're my buddy. i wish no terminal illness on you; but i can't imagine how you feel to find that as a relief. maybe one day i will, but nothing against you, i hope i don't.

    and damn you quit working so much so we can talk again!
    Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway

    Frank's blog:
    http://www.franktalk-scurry.blogspot.com
    My regular blog:
    http://www.ithinkithinktoomuchblog.blogspot.com

  5. #5
    Senior Member cali's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BeeBee
    I didn't realize how "close" we are, Cali. My son was injured on Aug. 14, 2004 also in a rollover SUV (Ford Explorer) one week before he was to start his sr. high school year. We were still in the PICU when you took your life flight.

    A very touching dialog. Realistic, not whiney, but no Pollyanna, either. You had to grow up way too fast, and become much to dependent at the same time. I've watched this struggle, though from a lower level (T12) and know how hard it is. Keep laughin', its better than crying.
    thanks, i'm glad it came off that way. i was an accused pollyanna when i was in rehab and they said i was covering it up by being too happy. i told them where to shove those anti depressants.
    Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway

    Frank's blog:
    http://www.franktalk-scurry.blogspot.com
    My regular blog:
    http://www.ithinkithinktoomuchblog.blogspot.com

  6. #6
    Senior Member Zeus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cali
    and damn you quit working so much so we can talk again!
    It's 3 a.m. and I'm off to bed! I'll be chipper in the morn'.

    Chris.
    Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood! Larry in 'Closer', a play by Partick Marber

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by cspanos
    It's 3 a.m. and I'm off to bed! I'll be chipper in the morn'.

    Chris.
    You'd better had be........Jesus. I prefer PerkySpanos
    C5/6 incomplete

    "I assume you all have guns and crack....."

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by cspanos
    Over the past couple of years I can't shake the feeling that, were I to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, I would just be relieved. At last, the battle ends...

    Chris.
    Quote Originally Posted by cali
    I'm glad and proud of how much I've grown and I appreciate what I've come to realize in life as well as people.
    I think these sum up the 2 general points of view taken by those with SCI. Having a significant other plays a major role in how one looks at their injury, at least in my experience. Just something to think about.
    I get knocked down
    But I get up again

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by priapism
    I think these sum up the 2 general points of view taken by those with SCI. Having a significant other plays a major role in how one looks at their injury, at least in my experience. Just something to think about.
    I'd be surprised if Cspanos' terminal illness comment summed up the view of everyone with SCI
    C5/6 incomplete

    "I assume you all have guns and crack....."

  10. #10
    Senior Member cali's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RehabRhino
    I'd be surprised if Cspanos' terminal illness comment summed up the view of everyone with SCI
    i agree.
    Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway

    Frank's blog:
    http://www.franktalk-scurry.blogspot.com
    My regular blog:
    http://www.ithinkithinktoomuchblog.blogspot.com

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