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Thread: not been a good Dad

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by duge
    So let this be to you young Dad's out there. Try to be the best Dad that you can be, other wise it will come back to you in forms that hurt you very bad inside. You will get reminded of it later in life and you can't argue with it.
    I respect the fact that you are taking this criticism to heart. Your friends want to reassure you that you're a great guy (which you probably are), but everyone makes mistakes and recognizing yours and being able to offer that advice to others is a good thing.

    C.

  2. #12
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
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    Duge .... first I want to say I agree with everyone else here .. don't be so hard on yourself ... but no false flattery from me .. we all screw up as parents ... and I have certainly made my share of mistakes ... but what I've always believed the best course of action when faced with a major screwup is to "own it" !! I've always been honest with my kids and when I make a mess I apologize .... there is no shame in that and it usually stops them dead in their tracks ... they need to understand we are human beings and not perfect .... we come with our own set of baggage ..... and ... god willing... they will be parents themselves someday and it will all be clear to them ....

    Maya is right .. when we know better we do better ... its a great mantra .... the fact that you came to us and posted what you did speaks volumes .... if you were my Dad and I knew you had started a thread like this it would touch my heart ... as a rule men don't speak of their feelings like that .... its very clear to me you really love your kids ..... stay cool ... try not to worry ....

    Obieone
    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  3. #13
    Senior Member artsyguy1954's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by duge
    Well just in the last couple of weeks I have learned what a piss poor job of being a Dad that I did. Things I done,and didn't do, things I said, I had always said I knew that I had not been a good Dad, So let this be to you young Dad's out there. Try to be the best Dad that you can be, other wise it will come back to you in forms that hurt you very bad inside. You will get reminded of it later in life and you can't argue with it. My little rant.
    I felt the same way until recently. But I have made positive changes as a father and I am starting to see the benefits. (I am not talking about throwing more money at the kids.) It's never to late to change.
    Step up, stand up for:
    http://www.stepnow.org

    'He not busy being born is busy dying." <Bob Dylan>

  4. #14
    Senior Member Schmeky's Avatar
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    I disagree with everyone saying you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You need to realize how negatively you have impacted your children. You must then suffer the consequences, realistically understand and analyze what your actions have done, then slowly try to rebuild your relationship as best you can. I have no sympathy for you, just sound therapeutic advice.

    I suggest a good counselor or therapist that is experienced with Family of Origin issues and the consequences of trauma you have imparted on your children. You owe your children a sincere, emotional, from the gut apology, then you need to take action to fix the situation as best you can. Based on how you say you have treated your children, a reversal of your personality structure will not be an easy task.

    As a therapist, I see this everyday I work. You have emotionally abandoned your children, a cycle not started by you (someone in your familial background imparted this onto you, I promise), however, if you work at it, and work at it with all your heart, you can save your children from repeating the same mistakes you made when they become adults.

    I may sound harsh, but you screwed it up, now it's up to you to REALLY do something about it. But you will need help.

  5. #15
    I'm all for change, and improvement. I still think you probably did the best you knew how. Duge has a good heart, I've seen it many times. He wears it on his sleeve. I think Schmeky has given good advice, but I see no reason for duge to loathe himself.

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Schmeky
    I disagree with everyone saying you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You need to realize how negatively you have impacted your children. You must then suffer the consequences, realistically understand and analyze what your actions have done, then slowly try to rebuild your relationship as best you can. I have no sympathy for you, just sound therapeutic advice.

    I suggest a good counselor or therapist that is experienced with Family of Origin issues and the consequences of trauma you have imparted on your children. You owe your children a sincere, emotional, from the gut apology, then you need to take action to fix the situation as best you can. Based on how you say you have treated your children, a reversal of your personality structure will not be an easy task.

    As a therapist, I see this everyday I work. You have emotionally abandoned your children, a cycle not started by you (someone in your familial background imparted this onto you, I promise), however, if you work at it, and work at it with all your heart, you can save your children from repeating the same mistakes you made when they become adults.

    I may sound harsh, but you screwed it up, now it's up to you to REALLY do something about it. But you will need help.
    I agree with most of what you have said, but you do sound harsh.

    I find, generally speaking, therapists want to blame parents for just about everything. Most of the time they are parents too, and not perfect themselves. (this is a generalization, and not specifically directed at you)

    I'm all for self-improvement. Acknowledgement, sincere apologies, and change are necessary, but when a persons intention is in the right place, but they still make some mistakes ~ that also needs to be acknowledged.

    Sometimes we are our own worst critic.

  7. #17
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    I'm not trying to argue with your premise Schmeky, its good advice. But perhaps you know more about this particular situation than you let on, but if not, it is probably a bit presumptuous to say that he emotionally abandoned his kids.

    (unrelated from here on out to schemky..)

    Before I became a parent, I walked about with a superiority complex about raising kids. I didn't even realize that's how I was, but when I had a kid I was quickly and massively humbled. What seemed so obvious, so easy ... wasn't.

    Whatever your situation remember that its a jungle out there.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  8. #18
    LOL, Ami, my childless stepbrother has always been highly critical of my kid and my parenting. His SO is now expecting. I'm torn between hoping for an angelic addition to the family and a holy terror that makes him eat his words!

    Parenting-it's a crapshoot. You pray for sevens and play the best game you can.

  9. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by zillazangel
    I'm not trying to argue with your premise Schmeky, its good advice. But perhaps you know more about this particular situation than you let on, but if not, it is probably a bit presumptuous to say that he emotionally abandoned his kids.
    Yeah, I wondered about that too. Did I miss something? Has the OP revealed a lot in other posts on other threads? I respected the fact that he felt he had done wrong and was willing to admit it and try to do better in the future, but I wouldn't take that information and leap to the conclusion that he's a loser as a father and has done serious harm to his children.

    C.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Schmeky
    I disagree with everyone saying you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You need to realize how negatively you have impacted your children. You must then suffer the consequences, realistically understand and analyze what your actions have done, then slowly try to rebuild your relationship as best you can. I have no sympathy for you, just sound therapeutic advice.

    I suggest a good counselor or therapist that is experienced with Family of Origin issues and the consequences of trauma you have imparted on your children. You owe your children a sincere, emotional, from the gut apology, then you need to take action to fix the situation as best you can. Based on how you say you have treated your children, a reversal of your personality structure will not be an easy task.

    As a therapist, I see this everyday I work. You have emotionally abandoned your children, a cycle not started by you (someone in your familial background imparted this onto you, I promise), however, if you work at it, and work at it with all your heart, you can save your children from repeating the same mistakes you made when they become adults.

    I may sound harsh, but you screwed it up, now it's up to you to REALLY do something about it. But you will need help.
    I hope to God you know a hell of a lot more about this situation than has been imparted here otherwise the OP would be well within his rights to wrap your infuriating psychobabble and shove................

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