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Thread: Not like it use to be

  1. #1
    Senior Member Robynbird569's Avatar
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    Not like it use to be

    Today I lost my mom. Not in the sense she passed, but talking with her our relationship is going to be different. It has to be. My mom and I had a very close relationship. I am the only girl, I have 2 older and 1 younger brothers. So my mom and I were best friends, but also mother and daughter. Talking with her today I noticed she has changed. I have noticed it for a while, but now it has affected me.
    She is in her late 60's, she has a bit on her plate, with the land-contract she has on my Great-Great Uncle Bens property, the ppl are always behind on their payments, problems with my 2nd oldest brothers life, and then what I am going through in my own life and my daughters disability. Being that we were close I would tell her everything, well, most everything, just some things she dont need to know. But now she is becoming so bitter and negative.
    She more or less made me feel that I am not doing enough for my daughter, and that I am giving up on what needs to be done where my daughter is concerned. Example, she will be going back to p.t. and be taught to walk with braces when school lets out in a few weeks due to scheduling. There will be openings then. Not my doing but she made me feel I am not doing enough. It was more like fine just give up, put her on a shelf and forget her.
    Being I dont like to air my dirty laundry, I have kept this to myself and now I am starting to get depressed for I feel I am so alone in this and I dont know anything anymore. But I found out recently, yes by snooping, that my husband is a crack addict. When I found out I confronted, screamed and pert near beat the shit out of him, he denys its his. A few days later I found more shit again. Dont take a rocket scientist to figure out hes using.
    This my mom dont know, but she suspects hes just a pot smoker. She lost all respect for my husband, understandably so, because at least 2-3 x's a week he doesnt come home til its time to go to work. No explanation, no excuse, his response to my bitching or making snide remarks about it is that hes a big boy. There is more I can go on with but its rough around here, hes got the personality of a slug and is very irresponsible, this causes her to worry so much that she says if I dont do anything about this or say something she is going to kick my ass. I see her point, she worries about me and loves me and the kids. But I think now I confided in her to much, this is my fault.
    I pretty much lost all my friends due to my husbands behavior. She was the only one I could go for advice to. Now she told me that her and my father will not hardly come over anymore, because my dad wants to rip into my husband and they dont want to do this in front of the kids. Theres more to that story for their reasons on this issue. But I assume you get the picture.
    So, it has come to this, I cannot burden my mother anymore. All I wanted was someone to talk to, and her advice, she use to be great at it. Now I have turned her into a bitter angry person.
    As I did in my first marriage, I should have done in this marriage, kept everything to myself. Theyre my problems, I have to figure things out on my own. I also got to learn that comments and remarks should just slide off my back, no matter how hurtful and who they are from. I have to handle the situation on my own when it comes to my husband, she just criticizes anymore and doesnt give the advice I am asking for.
    Life sure is lonely when you need someone. No one is there, they all left.
    Sorry to dump on you, I needed to release this all. I have been dealing with deamons in my marriages, I am tired. Now I made my mother become one. This is all too much. Just as all do to me I will have to do to them, turn my back and just concentrate on me and my kids, they are what is important in my life. The others, will have to work out their own issues.
    Am I making any sense here?


    Stay safe my son. See you around thanksgiving!

  2. #2
    Your mom is just in "burn out", my friend. Correct, she's got a little much on her plate and doesn't see what all YOU have on yours (like your husbands drug usage). She is not gone forever, just for a short time, I'd bet. Give her some space and she'll be back for you, she's a MOM, and from your description of her, she loves you. That love is unconditional, she will come around.

    In meantime, this website is a good place for encouragement. Others will respond and help you to cope with what's happening in your life right now.

    You are correct......you must keep your focus on you and your kids. Your husband is a "big boy" like he says he is. Let him take care of himself. If he's not abusing YOU or your KIDS, let him fight with his own demons, you fight yours and for your kids. This is what YOU have control over.

    I've learned in the past that there are things we have NO control over. Learn how to identify those things and learn to let them go. Take control over the things you DO have some authority on and do the best you can - one day at a time.

    Always know that there is a God above that listens to you. Whisper to Him and He will make His presence known to you. He will be as his word says "a true friend in a time of trouble".

    Your mom is human, and humans are not without flaw. Don't be too quick to write her off as being "lost" to you and your kids. She sounds like she's got you and their best interests at heart from what you've written. Take a deep breath, believe me it helps - a DEEP breath or two makes a person feel better already.

    Hope to hear that things are better in a day or two. Be encouraged and know you have friends here.

    Vickie

  3. #3
    Senior Member CapnGimp's Avatar
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    We ALL have to turn to someone in our deepest troubles, you are no different. I'm sorry to hear these things and I want you to know that NO ONE can fault you for your choices in care of your daughter. THEY have not been there. I have discovered in my life also, that there are times that you cannot tell those who are closest to you, the things that haunt you. They don't always understand and like all people, sometimes throw piercing daggers at your heart, when all you need is comfort and a shoulder to lean on. These are the toughest days of our lives. Somehow, you have to reach down, extract those daggers, toss them aside, and accept that you are doing that which you deem necessary, according to your knowledge of the situation and the full understanding that there will ALWAYS be dissenters. It hurts most when it is those whom we are closest too, like no other hurt, but you are strong, and will persevere.
    I know many here are not believers, but for myself, I only have my Creator and Redeemer to rely upon. He it is, to whom I poor out my heart and He is is who sustains me. God Bless you, and I pray for your strength in this awful time.
    John

  4. #4
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    Get rid of your husband!!

  5. #5
    Live and learn. I'm sorry. I used to tell my stepmom a lot, got in a similar situation, and stopped. Sometimes that backfires...things go wrong and I get judged harshly for what is out of my control. Oh well, people do judge.

    One thing I feel the need to caution you about-crackheads can get dangerous. Please secure any funds, because addicts steal. And think seriously about whether this is an environment your daughter should be in.

    My big brother dried out at the VA 50 times or so before he died. He once told me the only drug that he never saw anyone recover from is crack. I'm sure they do, occasionally, but apparently not often. Are you sure it's crack and not meth? I hear they smoke meth about the same way, is why I'm asking. Glass pipes. I don't know what you found, and they're both dangerous drugs.

    Basically I'm saying that your mother is the least of your worries just now. Let her process, she'll come around and I think she'll have your back-she loves you. This is all beyond her understanding. Her judgments about raising a disabled child are only guesses. Try to explain, then try to let it roll off your back.

    As always, Capngimp has some good advice. I've dealt with way too many addicts. Prayer is the only recourse, and if I were you I'd be looking into Al-anon. I SO think your mom is not the problem, although I know she's hurt your feelings.

    Good luck. Please keep yourself and your baby safe, she's lost without you.

  6. #6
    Senior Member McDuff's Avatar
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    It is a shame you have "lost", at least for the time being, the person you can confide in. But I believe you are taking too much on, as to being the person who "turned" your mother into something/someone else. Sounds like there is plenty of other outside forces going on in her life that would play into affect, and just maybe she is taking it out on you.

    As for your "Big Boy" husband, at the very least, you need to tell him to not have/do any drugs at home. You are putting yourself and the wellbeing of your kids at risk. You could lose them to CFS if there was to be a bust at your house.

    Wish I had some magic words for ya, you have a shitload on your plate right now. But there are a lot of nameless/faceless folks here at CC that are willing to listen and offer words of hope/encouragment, so keep on venting as needed.
    "a T10, who'd Rather be ridin'; than rollin'"

  7. #7
    Senior Member Robynbird569's Avatar
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    Thanks Friends. KKMay, you made me laugh at your response. Thanks. McDuff, no he dont do here at the home. I absolutely forbid it here. He goes elsewhere. I found the stuff, glass pipe, scouringpads tore up, in his truck. I do believe its for crack. He denies it through and through. But knowing his attitude, which is always anger, and his all nighters, I know it is something. No he doesnt abuse me or the kids. Not physically anyway, he just rants and raves over little shit and turns it into big shit. I just tell him to shut up and knock it off. We end up in a argument at times, but for the most part he sits and pouts like a spoiled little brat. What gets me he goes to my 8 year old daughter and tells her no one loves him. I had to get on him about that. Last she needs is to be confused about what is going on between mommy and daddy (which I make sure all arguing is not done around or in front of her), and she dont need to hear things she dont understand.
    I dont want to make excuses for him, I am just wondering if his issues have to deal with the fact that it was his gun, that he assured me would be safely put away, that caused harm to our daughter? That he dosent know how to deal with it so he turned to drugs to hide from the guilt. No one has blamed him but maybe he blames himself. I dont know. I cant do anything for him or with him if he denies he has a problem.
    So, for now I can only deal with myself and my kids. My husband I cant do for, my mother, yes I know shes burned out. I will step back and let her be. I will not stop talking to her, but it wont be about me anymore.
    CapnGimp, you had good advice. I too believe and I should just look to him to take the rein so to speak. I cant worry about what I cant change. He gave me a life, so I need to live it the best way I can and he entrusted me to my children so I have to focus on them. As it is I am all they have. Esp. where my daughter is concerned. I have a home, and all the necessities to live, and my kids, I shouldnt want for more. Just would be nice to have someone I can rely on, to take care of me and love me, like a husband does a wife. Guess you cant have it all.


    Stay safe my son. See you around thanksgiving!

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by kkmay
    Get rid of your husband!!
    I totally agree!!

    Telling the child no one loves him. He has problems that he needs to figure out on his own, but drug use is not going to make them go away. You sound like a very nice person, but your husband has some major issues that could (if it hasn't already) cause problems for your children down the line.
    Last edited by RaeRae; 05-30-2007 at 09:14 PM.
    T-5 incomplete

  9. #9
    You have your hands fulll, but it's not with your Mom, Robyn. You may feel hopeless right now, but you are not helpless.

    I'm going to give it to you straight on this one, okay? I don't believe in candy coating it, especially when your life is potentially at risk as well as the lives of your children.

    Betheny knows what she's saying about crack. I agree with her. While I've never done crack, I saw what it did to people who used it and landed in treatment and rehab. Crack was and is insidious.

    If you think your husband is capable of delineating good and bad behavior, in making sound judgments concerning you, your children and himself, think again. That sound judgment has him using drugs and lying about it.

    I disagree vehemently that your hubby is using crack because he owned the gun that injured your daughter. He's using crack, lying his arse off about it because he's an addict ... for no other reason. Don't allow him or anyone to tell you otherwise.

    Crack isn't recreational. When you want recreation or a hobby, it's bowling or racquetball or fishing or hiking or travel. You don't take up crack.

    If you've found glass pipes and steel wool in his truck, he's smoking. Kick him to the curb until he owns up to it, gets help and stops completely. To do anything less puts you and your children in grave danger.

    Do NOT allow your children to go anywhere with this man or to be around him without you present. Keep yourself and your children out of his vehicle and never, ever ride with him.

    Ever seen a person suffer a cocaine psychosis? It's not pretty. He could snap, be out of his head and homicidal in a matter of minutes.

    You cannot believe he's not using at home. If he's using, he's using. Your home is just another place to use. There is no sanctity of anything in active addiction. The man no longer has boundaries which are healthy.

    Staying out all night until time for work? Are you serious? If you are intimate with this man in any sense, use condoms and spermicide start to finish. You do not want STDs, including HIV. If you've been intimate without condoms with him, get tested.

    How's he paying for the crack or whatever he's smoking? Checked the bank or your credit cards or both today?

    Seperate your money, check your accounts daily, close any joint credit accounts as he could wrack up charges you'll be stunned to learn about later. Once your accounts are seperated and/or cancelled, check your individual credit report daily. Make sure he hasn't put a second mortgage on the house. Sounds extreme, but it happens everyday.

    If your names are jointly on vehicles, have your car and his. Get your name off the vehicle he drives and do not allow him to drive yours. If he kills or injures someone DUI or DUID (Driving Under the Influence of Drugs) you can lose everything you have or have ever had.

    BTW, if you think I'm being harsh, I'm being realistic. You have your hands full, but you do not want you or your children living with a crackhead. Period. You can ruin your lives by remaining passive about what's happening in your home with this man.

    Not to scare you, but seriously think about what I'm about to say: You can lose your children if your husband is reported for using crack and is tested on the spot by children's services. They can show up unannounced at your home, go through your home, ask each of you to take a ten or twelve panel urine screen. If he flunks it in any category, they remove your children. If he refuses to give a sample for the screen, they take your children. It happens everyday and with good reason.

    Robyn, you have your hands full, but you are not helpless. Do not be passive. You have to take action and be proactive instead of reactive from this day on.

    Check into counseling for yourself, even short term. It can help provide clarity, help you organize what you need to do to be safe, to move forward in your life. A good therapist can also provide a safe, supportive place to disuss what's happening.

    You guys are in my prayers. You're definitely loaded up given what's happening in your marriage and with your husband. I wish you the very best.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
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    I can't add anything worthwhile to the excellent advice you've already been given but I would like to wish you all the luck going.

    Take care,

    Jonathan.

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