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Thread: No choice but a nursing home

  1. #41
    Senior Member Robynbird569's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Lake Isabella Mi
    I use to work in a nursing home for 6 years. I seen a lot of crap happen in them. I am not trying to scare you, but try and think what all your options are. A nursing home should not be one. Take and consider all the advice the others have given you.
    I dont know you, your wife or know what your marriage is like, but it is so hard for me to understand how someone who loved/loves someone and promised in their vows for better or worse and in sickness and health could just turn their back when they are needed the most.

    Stay safe my son. See you around thanksgiving!

  2. #42
    Acarson, please give us some input so we can better help you. I'm a high quad, on a vent and have been for a couple decades. With your profession, you should be quite capable of covering your own atendents and helthcare.

    From this post and others, you need to get away from your "wife" as quickly as possible. She is not acting as a caring spouse and sounds like could care less what happens to you. How was your relationship pre-SCI?
    C2/3 quad since February 20, 1985.

  3. #43
    Quote Originally Posted by Acarson
    I want to make sure that everyone understands that my wife has been my sole caregiver since December 2005. She is not built to be a full-time nurse.
    I understand that and don't know that any spouse is built to be a fulltime nurse.

    It is my decision to go to a nursing home.
    I don't understand why you are making this decision, but I wish you the best and hope that you and your wife work out something that leaves you both healthy and happy.


  4. #44
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Madison,Wisconsin, USA
    Not everyone has burnout or abuse problems. I am solecaregiver/advocate and have been with Jim 24/7 since the day of the accident, 8 years ago. Have met several wives/husbands, mothers/fathers and other sisters/brothers who also just take it in stride. For heavens sake, in some cases it just needs to be done, either do it right with acceptance and good cheer or arrange a different set-up. I kinda get tired of all the drama for god's sake. It takes more than one to make a good team, we work together.
    Arcasan has made a decision to get out of an abusive situation and I appaud that. I really don't feel it is helpful to tell him how bad Nursing Homes are when he needs to get out now. Educated and studied information on alternatives at a place of refuge will be helpful. Establishing a Special Needs Trust, counciling, considering new living arrangements and establishing new family dynamics can be done better in a calmer, safer atmosphere. I hope a change brings you the strength to better your conditions. Best of luck, sir. Deb

  5. #45

    You have made one difficult decision to get out of an abusive situation. Organising private nursing care would give you the help you need and relieve some of the pressure on both you and your wife.

    Could you stay with some friends and family for a short time. Have the nursing care organised beforehand to be done there. This could give yourself and your wife the breathing space you need without having to go into a nursing home.
    Best of luck

    I hope you find yourself in a situation where you can be comfortable that you are getting the nursing care you need whatever source. SCI is bad enough without all that shit.

  6. #46
    Member Acarson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Homeless in North Carolina
    Yes, it is abuse. My parents are too old to take care of me. I have to get out. Even if that means a nursing home. If I get mistreated there I can sue the shit out of them. I can work and get back on my feet-I think.

  7. #47
    Super Moderator Sue Pendleton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Wisconsin USA
    There are some decnt nursing homes out there for younger people. The Lorien chain in Maryland tries to get those who are not senile, on the vegative ward, or just too feeble out on their own again. After my husband needed a qucik trip to the ER and a 3 day stay we realized that my back up agency's idea of 24 hour assistance was someone answers the phone at midnight not that they start looking for a CNA for you right then.

    We started with a few good questions: what if he gets real sick, becomes disabled himself or dies? I know a few friends who could help fill in till I had agency help but I don't want to live here if he were to die. So we checked out nursing homes that I could go into until I had arrangements to move back to where I grew up and had a house fixed up for me and caregivers. Just opened the phone book one Saturday and started visiting places with no warning. What a shock. Glad I'm not Catholic. One other one run by a church wasn't too bad but no young people at all and no ideas on how to stay busy but read and TV. Bus to a nearby college? No..

    Then one rainy evening we walked/rolled into Lorien. They had modem hook ups and the former PT now running more beds then the private hospital was planning to go fiber optic and this was 3 years ago. He was converting one entire ward to single rooms with their own showers. It would be for respite and for longish term younger people. He insists new residents read the material in the lobby about the waiver program. It didn't smell and that day he had an extra 21 people because the storm had knocked out the top floor windows in another home.

    I explained what I was looking for and he said for respite or short stays for caregiver illnesses I'd be in that respite ward. For longer term he'd put me in Harmony Hall Assisted Living next door and send a nurse over for BPs and such as needed since I was more than lucid. College or things to stay busy? "We have small buses and vans but you can sign up for the local paratransit if you are in assisted areas." Cool. Help with long distance change of assets, selling current home, etc., if Jay died on me? He said he have a list of eldercare lawyers, could help me arrange for my bank to send someone here (the NH), etc.

    Yea, sometimes when you need transition help NHs can help. Just scope them out before you need them.
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

  8. #48
    Quote Originally Posted by Acarson
    I can work and get back on my feet
    Of course you can! With your education and background, there's no reason that you can't get yourself back on track. It won't be easy, but I bet law school was no picnic either.


  9. #49
    Senior Member Broknwing's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Central Florida
    Quote Originally Posted by Acarson
    Yes, it is abuse. My parents are too old to take care of me. I have to get out. Even if that means a nursing home. If I get mistreated there I can sue the shit out of them. I can work and get back on my feet-I think.

    As much as everyone knows a nursing home isn't ideal, this statement you made is precisely why you can take comfort in knowing that it is a better situation than the one you are currently in and a temporary solution. I wish you the best, I know you need to get out of the dangerous and abusive situation you are in. I hope you are able to find a place like the one that Sue P wrote about. I also hope that you'll be able to continue working while in the N.H.. Ami is an extroardinarily wonderful person(I knew her before she came to CC) please call her & take her up on any offers she's given...I wish I was closer, I'd come visit...Matter of fact, I will visit in the fall if my NC trip comes together, it's only in early planning stages now...

    Keep your spirits up, use your legal contacts to get processes moving to only be in the nh as long as necesary and keep updating us...
    L-1 inc 11/24/03

    "My Give-a-Damn's Busted"......

  10. #50
    Hey, Andre. Glad to see you post.

    I understand why you are opting for a nh until you get back on your feet. You need immediate relief from a most desperate situation in which you are abused body and soul.

    Instead of saying I don't understand why your wife is doing what she's doing (I don't) or shifting the blame to "caregiver burnout" (It doesn't get the blame. Your wife does), I'm saying I trust your judgment to make the best decisions you can for you given your situation and immediate needs.

    Just get safe first. Then, continue working and making immediate plans for your transition to your own place with your own caregivers. You'll be able to safely explore these avenues once you're on safer ground, a place other than with your wife.

    You have placed your assets with your wife for a reason. I'm sure you've looked into special needs trusts. Whatever you're doing with your assets for whatever reason or reasons, think of yourself first and foremost. Yes, you have children. I'm assuming they'll be in the house with your wife. They will still have a home. For now, you're trying to find yours, find a place that is safe and yours.

    Keep talking to us. This thread is about you, not about the why's of what your abusive wife is doing. I get that she's an abuser. "Caregiver burnout" doesn't explain a damn. It's never, ever okay to hit. You deserve far better than that.

    I'm not going to encourage you to work it out with her or not work it out with her. She abuses you. I get what you're saying. You need to be safe.

    Whatever you choose to do for yourself, I support your decisions and will to the best of my abilities.

    Hang in and hang on. First things first: Get and be safe. 9-1-1 to the nearest e.r. is always an option should it occur again (unfortunately, odds say, "yes" ...) or get further out of control between now and when you go where you're going.

    Sending **hugs** and good thoughts to you.

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