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Thread: No choice but a nursing home

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Acarson
    I will try to make this short. Medicaid will not pay for in-home assistance and, I do not qualify for an assisted living facility because of the assets owned by my wife. However, if my doctor fills out a form stating that I am completely dependent, I will qualify for a nursing home no matter what my circumstances are, that is, the value of the assets that are owned by my wife.
    so your wife's assets have more value than your well-being?

  2. #12
    Member Acarson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Homeless in North Carolina
    Yes Scott-apparently the answer is yes. If you are Rich enough to pay for your own care all is good. If you are poor enough-your entire net worth is less than $3000-Medicaid will step in and pay for everything you need. Anything in between too bad, so sad.

  3. #13
    Thanks, Scott.

    Weigh the urge to be noble against the need for self-preservation. Can some of those assets be sold to cover some part-time PCA?

    Are you working? Is she? Are you divorcing? Why does she need a house if you are off to the nursing home anyway? Can you trade down to an apartment and spend the lawn-care budget on nursing care?

    I assume that you went to law school to guarantee yourself some quality-of-life and financial independence. I don't see you getting a payoff and I don't understand why...

    Something you posted today about needing a glass of water is still niggling at me. In that case, why do you give a rat's behind about her assets?

    I'd live in a trailer if it kept my husband out of the nursing home, gladly. The priorities aren't jibing to me.

  4. #14
    Banned adi chicago's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    near dracula castle
    sorry to hear about that acarson.without my family and their love and support i will be history.even when i was in the hospitals they came to cath me and feed me daily.
    • Dum spiro, spero.
      • Translation: "As long as I breathe, I hope."

  5. #15
    I hear you Andre. At one point I had help with day to day a couple of times a week, but not anymore. If you're destitute, you're covered. Anything less than utterly rich, you're on your own or headed for a nursing home. My state, Tennessee, has the highest rate of nursing home placements for those of us who can otherwise live in the community with supportive services.

    I'm lower level than you and pretty incomplete. However, there are some things I need help with to maintain. I'm getting help from my family or I pay out of pocket for what I need. My needs are nowhere near what yours are, but I do understand about being in the middle financially and getting skewered for it.

    I was in a nursing home for a month. It was a tough transition for me to go there after surgery, but I survived it.

    Just be firm with what you want and need. Yes, you may be considered a trouble-maker by some of the staff for insuring your needs are met, but you'll also quickly learn who the jewels among staff members are.

    You deal with a variety of people constantly in your professional life. All the skills, talents and abilities which make you the you that you are will serve you well in the transition. (Could I possibly say the word "you" one more time in that sentence?)

    It won'r be easy, but it's doable.

    I encourage you to think of the nh as a transitioning step. There may be ways to be creative legally to have your own place and have the help you need to live in the community and not a nh. I believe you have a friend who's well-informed about the so-called good versus bad nh. He may be able to also navigate the craziness that is "the system" when it comes to healthcare.

    When discussing which place to go in terms of nh's, you may wish to check in with the Longterm Care Ombudsman through your Area Agency on Aging and Disability. She/he will have info on nh's with fewer problems than others. They field the complaints against nh's, advocate for residents. Your legal peer who specializes in nh abuse may know the LTC Ombudsman. In any case, I'll find the contact for these sorts in your area and e you.

    Also, whatever you decide or do or don't do, we're here for you, support your decisions and choices. I can't make your decisions for you, but I'll support whatever those decisions are to the best of my ability. I'm sure most others here feel the same.

    Stay connected with us whatever you're doing, wherever you are. One of the things we seem to do best here at CC is to support each other when no one else understands.

    There are members here who've been in nh's longer term and have managed to move into their own places. I'm hoping they'll check in on this thread or are in contact with you to tell you how they did what they did.

    You're not alone, Andre. There can be life after nh's. THose places are not necessarily the last stop.

  6. #16
    You need to advocate for yourself!! You have earned a better quality of life and you deserve it!! If your family feels that you are a burden because you are unable to do some of the things that you did before then that is THEIR problem! You need to take care of yourself or find a person who is willing to advocate on your behalf with only YOUR best interests in mind. Please do what you need to do!!!

  7. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Acarson
    Yes Scott-apparently the answer is yes.
    according to whom? her? you?

    If you are Rich enough to pay for your own care all is good. If you are poor enough-your entire net worth is less than $3000-Medicaid will step in and pay for everything you need. Anything in between too bad, so sad.
    I empathize, and yes the system sucks, but that's not the point of what I was asking.

  8. #18
    screw moving to a nursing home, you have something (assests) vs some of us who had nothing

    time to re arrange your financial life and your life priorities. you still got your brain function, right?

    SCI, the school of hard knocks. time to graduate and WIN at life.

    forget the nursing home. if you cant get help paid for, or you have too much income for medicaid, hire privately.

    thats what the rest of us do. its deductible.

    somehow we make it. so can you.

  9. #19
    Senior Member justadildo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    rocky mountain high
    i looked but couldn't find..whats ure injury level andre?

  10. #20
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    North Carolina, USA
    Andre, as you know, I can relate to your situation (as a whole). I am caregiver wife, and while we have a PCA, she is rapidly becoming unreliable and has only worked a few hours a week for the last few weeks, leaving virtually all of chad's care to me. For 14 months before she came along, I took care of Chad 24/7, alone, but also with a 5 year old child, wa full time job (I work from home), a house to clean, laundry to do, food to cook, groceries to buy, cars to service, lawns to mow, etc etc etc etc ... ad infinitum. Yes, the burnout factor is huge.

    With that being said, what your wife is doing and how she is acting is inexcusable. I'm sorry, but I've been there done taht and do it, and I would never, ever, ever do what she is doing. I do burn out, but I do not take it out on Chad. I would go down in flames dead before I yelled at him, didn't feed him, refused to get water, etc. Trust me, I understand stress associated with this, so I'm not speaking from an uneducated position.

    But you are right, the wealthy are fine, the destitute are helped (sorta) but us in betweeners have it hard. Although, we are very rapidly heading into the destitute land, because we used to have quite alot of money but SCI (and other things, not that alone) have stripped us of nearly all of our resources. That too makes it really hard becuase then we can't afford help even when its available.

    So, back to a nursing home. Is it the right option? Maybe becuase your wife is so abusive. There can't be much worse than being yelled at, hit, and starved. But it is also the case that if she is able to get some help (psychological, physical with your care, anything), things may improve. If she has assets, sell them for pete's sake!!! The rainy day is here. If she is refusing to do so, that's another matter.

    I want to say something in your other thread about suicide too, but I'l lhave to write it out later, as I have take care of chad just now. Irony noted. (( hug ))


    p.s. one last thought - why have you not had any more functional return? Chad is a c4/5 but from 19 years ago. There should most certainly be ways that you can regain function???? With even a little bit more, you can be so much more indepedent. Also, listen to Betsy (lizbv), she has really and truly been there done that. She may be worth talking to on the phone or by email, she is super awesome and tough as nails. ANd you can be too.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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