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Thread: How I Feel About SCI

  1. #1

    How I Feel About SCI

    "Fearful indeed the suspicion- but more fearful the doom! It may be asserted, without hesitation, that no event is so terribly well adapted to inspire the supremeness of bodily and of mental distress, as is burial before death. The unendurable oppression of the lungs- the stifling fumes from the damp earth- the clinging to the death garments- the rigid embrace of the narrow house- the blackness of the absolute Night- the silence like a sea that overwhelms- the unseen but palpable presence of the Conqueror Worm- these things, with the thoughts of the air and grass above, with memory of dear friends who would fly to save us if but informed of our fate, and with consciousness that of this fate they can never be informed- that our hopeless portion is that of the really dead- these considerations, I say, carry into the heart, which still palpitates, a degree of appalling and intolerable horror from which the most daring imagination must recoil. We know of nothing so agonizing upon Earth- we can dream of nothing half so hideous in the realms of the nethermost Hell." -Edgar Allen Poe
    Last edited by Ozymandias; 01-10-2007 at 03:24 AM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Foolish Old's Avatar
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    Hey Ozy, Good Morning Sunshine!

    Hey Man, would you please be kind enough to fill in the information about your SCI level in your profile? I know you've supplied some of that information in at least one of your posts, but I've forgotten.

    I write this in response to the sum of your posts, not specifically this thread. I have gathered that being injured has given you challenges you find difficult to accept. I truly feel for you and hope that time makes things easier.

    A comment - Everybody has stuff to deal with. Comparing your life to what it was in the past or what you imagine it could have been in the future is irrelevant. Ain't no life as it should have been, only life as it is. I've said before, you still have the potential to have a rewarding life. Different, but rewarding. You know this is true. You just are having trouble getting over the perception that life has treated you unfairly. Life doesn't even know your name, so try not to take it personal.

    Meanwhile, I agree with your contention that some of the "feel good" stories about people overcoming great odds to provide a "triumph of the human spirit" example can sometimes rub the wrong way. I started a thread to have a little fun with that idea. But dude, regardless of your personal feelings, don't expect everyone who catches a bad break (no pun intended) to paint their windows black and live in despair. You may view their life as useless and sad, but that's an asshole take. Yeah, any sane person is going to prefer to be AB. But it's not delusional to carry on and derive joy from life. Try not to be outraged that your personal bleak outlook isn't universal in this community.

    PS - I love you.
    Foolish

    "We have met the enemy and he is us."-POGO.

    "I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it."~Edgar Allan Poe

    "Dream big, you might never wake up!"- Snoop Dogg

  3. #3

    Thanks

    Thanks for writing, Foolish. Let me just make this clear, and perhaps alienate everyone a bit. Not that I want to, but because it's simply the truth about how I feel.

    I don't want to live anymore. I'm hoping I will find the courage to make myself dead in the not-too-distant future.

    Of course some will say it takes more courage to live, but I find this absurd.

    Something I realized just a few minutes ago is that a lot of the backlash that comes at me for feeling this way is that it is, in essence, the ultimate insult to those who live their lives like this. To boot, I'm young, extraordinarily intelligent, probably far more capable than most of you, without physical pain, without any real complications, with full medical coverage, and in an elite law school that will easily land me a $150,000 per year job my first year out if I work hard at it. I'm not bragging, but just pointing out that in spite of all these advantages, my life is still completely miserable, and by my lights, not worth living. I can see how this would make some people, like those "Not Dead Yet" lunatics, very resentful.

    Nonetheless, I absolutely despise the light of day every time I wake up. I've been writing a lot about my experience, and as what will hopefully be one of my last acts I want to put it together and edit it for publishing.

    And don't try to convince me that there's light at the end of the tunnel or whatever, because I simply don't agree. Oh, and please don't even so much as mention the word "God" to me, or I might not hold my tongue. And if you think your life is good, and that consequently my life can be good, I'll simply say another thing you will probably find insulting- we have different standards.

    Well, got to go to Civil Procedure. I have to keep up with law school, just in case I'm too much of a coward to whack myself. If I'm going to cravenly cling to my ruined, pitiful, wretched life, it's probably better to at least have a marketable degree. Stay cool y'all. Clayton

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Foolish Old
    Hey Ozy, Good Morning Sunshine!

    Hey Man, would you please be kind enough to fill in the information about your SCI level in your profile? I know you've supplied some of that information in at least one of your posts, but I've forgotten.

    I write this in response to the sum of your posts, not specifically this thread. I have gathered that being injured has given you challenges you find difficult to accept. I truly feel for you and hope that time makes things easier.

    A comment - Everybody has stuff to deal with. Comparing your life to what it was in the past or what you imagine it could have been in the future is irrelevant. Ain't no life as it should have been, only life as it is. I've said before, you still have the potential to have a rewarding life. Different, but rewarding. You know this is true. You just are having trouble getting over the perception that life has treated you unfairly. Life doesn't even know your name, so try not to take it personal.

    Meanwhile, I agree with your contention that some of the "feel good" stories about people overcoming great odds to provide a "triumph of the human spirit" example can sometimes rub the wrong way. I started a thread to have a little fun with that idea. But dude, regardless of your personal feelings, don't expect everyone who catches a bad break (no pun intended) to paint their windows black and live in despair. You may view their life as useless and sad, but that's an asshole take. Yeah, any sane person is going to prefer to be AB. But it's not delusional to carry on and derive joy from life. Try not to be outraged that your personal bleak outlook isn't universal in this community.

    PS - I love you.
    FFS - He does not have to settle for a 'different' life, only for now. I can't wait for a cure to unfold so people like you can stop with the sanctimonious bullshit. Why can't you accept that a cure will figure into the lives of most people here, especially new injureds like Ozy and stop trying to coach them to accept what they soon won't have to

  5. #5
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ozymandias
    Thanks for writing, Foolish. Let me just make this clear, and perhaps alienate everyone a bit. Not that I want to, but because it's simply the truth about how I feel.

    I don't want to live anymore. I'm hoping I will find the courage to make myself dead in the not-too-distant future.

    Of course some will say it takes more courage to live, but I find this absurd.

    Something I realized just a few minutes ago is that a lot of the backlash that comes at me for feeling this way is that it is, in essence, the ultimate insult to those who live their lives like this. To boot, I'm young, extraordinarily intelligent, probably far more capable than most of you, without physical pain, without any real complications, with full medical coverage, and in an elite law school that will easily land me a $150,000 per year job my first year out if I work hard at it. I'm not bragging, but just pointing out that in spite of all these advantages, my life is still completely miserable, and by my lights, not worth living. I can see how this would make some people, like those "Not Dead Yet" lunatics, very resentful.

    Nonetheless, I absolutely despise the light of day every time I wake up. I've been writing a lot about my experience, and as what will hopefully be one of my last acts I want to put it together and edit it for publishing.

    And don't try to convince me that there's light at the end of the tunnel or whatever, because I simply don't agree. Oh, and please don't even so much as mention the word "God" to me, or I might not hold my tongue. And if you think your life is good, and that consequently my life can be good, I'll simply say another thing you will probably find insulting- we have different standards.

    Well, got to go to Civil Procedure. I have to keep up with law school, just in case I'm too much of a coward to whack myself. If I'm going to cravenly cling to my ruined, pitiful, wretched life, it's probably better to at least have a marketable degree. Stay cool y'all. Clayton
    I've half a mind to pass you the cyanide.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Ads32
    FFS - He does not have to settle for a 'different' life, only for now. I can't wait for a cure to unfold so people like you can stop with the sanctimonious bullshit. Why can't you accept that a cure will figure into the lives of most people here, especially new injureds like Ozy and stop trying to coach them to accept what they soon won't have to
    I truly hope you're right about a cure because I felt just like Ozy did a year ago and although my life has improved, if someone left a loaded gun in my apartment I would still be tempted.

    However, with the best will in the world a cure is not going to just pop up and be available tomorrow. 5 years would be good, 10 seems more likely, 20 and I wouldn't be surprised

    So..........what do you suggest Ozy does? With all of your experience of what it's like to be SCI?

    A) Blow his head off?
    B) Try to live his life, continue his education, earn the money he'll need to be ready for a cure?
    C) Sit in his chair feverishly checking CareCure for the day it becomes CureCure posting depressive threads and watching his friends melt away because he's a miserable fuck (been there)?

    You just don't get that experienced SCIs offering light to new injuries is not anti-cure do you?
    C5/6 incomplete

    "I assume you all have guns and crack....."

  7. #7
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ads32
    FFS - He does not have to settle for a 'different' life, only for now. I can't wait for a cure to unfold so people like you can stop with the sanctimonious bullshit. Why can't you accept that a cure will figure into the lives of most people here, especially new injureds like Ozy and stop trying to coach them to accept what they soon won't have to
    Why don't you wander off, find someone who knows what they're talking about and get a realistic definition of the word "soon".

    Meanwhile others who know what they're talking about, like Foolish, can try and stop Ozzie from jumping off the nearest tall building!

  8. #8
    Senior Member Foolish Old's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ozymandias

    And if you think your life is good, and that consequently my life can be good, I'll simply say another thing you will probably find insulting- we have different standards.
    If what you write is your core belief about the potential to have a quality life, then we do indeed have different standards. I do not envy you your self perceived superiority. I prefer the hard knock education which has taught me how to cope and enjoy life. As we can only imagine the true reality experienced by others, I am willing to accept that your life is worthless to you. Can you also accept that many of us find meaning and joy in our lives?

    Hell, the beauty of the lawn there at your high dollar school was enough to put a smile on my face!

    ETA - You might want to consider that you've been through a lot in a short time. I suggest postponing anything goofy until you've had ample time to let things settle. Even my mediocre college education placed demands on me that affected my outlook, sometimes not in a good way. And just think how stupid you'll feel after the cure if Ads32 is the only one around to hear me apologize for my sanctimonious bullshit.
    Last edited by Foolish Old; 01-10-2007 at 06:31 PM.
    Foolish

    "We have met the enemy and he is us."-POGO.

    "I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it."~Edgar Allan Poe

    "Dream big, you might never wake up!"- Snoop Dogg

  9. #9
    None of my experience may apply, but when first injured, I told the doc, listen, I'm not in pain but you sure as hell better give me something for depression.

    I went on paxil and for the first time I saw clearly that depression actually ran in my family and that when able bodied, I was living a text book depressed life.

    After three years, the Paxil wasn't cutting it, I went on Lexapro, got diarhea so bad I thought it bordered on C Diff. Now I am on Wellbutrin 300 Xl, no side effects, no reduced libido, if I have to stop taking it I don't have to worry about physiologoical withdrawal.

    I'm more emotionally balanced than I have ever been in my life. I don't beat myself up, no more mountains out of molehills etc. and that is exactly what was needed.

    I was kicked in the ass by SCI, but at the same time I can appreciate things
    I wasn't able to when I was AB. Now I am focused on - what's next? What am I able to do for myself and others regardless of the chair? What can I learn? Who can I inspire?

    Like I said, none of this may apply to others, but taking that "negative" away
    did a whole hell of a lot for moving forward.

    I hope you are here for the long haul Ozy, and happily at that.

    J.
    And the truth shall set you free.

  10. #10
    Ozy - I actually appreciate your candidness. I ride my highs and lows and crawl out of the valley a time or two again. It's impressive you can bang out law school with a weight on your head, that motivates me to take on more. If life is meaningless nothingness and I could care less whether my friends and family lived or died, then it would be hard to go on. Don't go the poser, clich├ęd suicide route though. No one's going to want to read about that; "My life was great, I was gifted, I faced a major hurdle, couldn't deal with it, my life sucks so I killed myself." At least volunteer to go to Cambodia or somewhere and dig up landmines so kids don't blow their legs off. That way you have minesweepers odds of dying a hero...

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