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Thread: children over 21 taking care of parent

  1. #1
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    children over 21 taking care of parent

    i am 55 got hurt when 51 i was independent as all get out my son 23 at time lived with me he works for me we rodeoed and horse showed together but he also had a seperate life.he has had to take care of me at times bathe cath
    bowel etc when the caretaker was a no show.fix meals make coffee . occasionaly now when i make a mess of changing my colosomy bag he will clean me up puts my shoes on.
    he has a live in girlfriend that i dislike.he has changed so much since she moved in . now he will not take me to the horseshows with him told me to drive myself. they will fix lunch and not ask me if i am hungry dinner lol its a joke thank god i have some hands and my caretaker will fix me some alfredo or oatmeal and toast.
    i really try to be indepent but shoes are beyond me i am moving shortly to my new house.its handicap assceable yeah.
    did i mention the house we are living in with the girfriend from hell is mine too
    sorry i just had to vent.

    do any other parents withsci live with there kid i am c6c7

  2. #2
    Bad situation. I hope you find some shoes, sometimes that seems like the hardest part.

    I've been on both sides of this. After Mom had her stroke she came to live with me and my boyfriend (now husband). We all hated it.

    I hope you like your new house. Make sure they pay you rent on the old one!

  3. #3
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    I wish you the best of luck with your new house. When my husband and I moved in to our house with in one month his mother moved in with us because she became displaced. We are all AB. She is the Mother in law from Hell. (she makes the worst ones on tv look mild). After my father injury I thought of moving back to help out but know while it be good to help out my mom the stress on my dad and I would not be good.

    I wish you the best of luck with you son and hope he turns around soon.

  4. #4
    Senior Member WM's Avatar
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    Totally just a guess but it sounds to me that maybe your son is trying to join a new "team" going from from a mom/son team into a man/woman team, but not doing it too gracefully (or kindly). This lack of grace and kindness could be because he feels guilty. He wants to have a relationship with this girl and be identified as "he and she" and not "mom and son", yet he may feel guilty to do so, as if he is abandoning you somewhat if he does. So, instead of just being honest with you, he's being an ass toward you because he doesn't know how to pull away gently, he only knows how to push away.

    Not trying to make excuses for him. The rudeness and lack of respect for you is not acceptable. It's downright crappy and I'd have to set him straight. You say you all live in the house together right now. Do they contribute to the household, or just live there? Do they pay any of the bills? If not, they should. Or if not, in exchange, a certain amount of helping you out willingly with things you need would certainly be nice in lieu of cash.

    Yes, like Betheny said, when you move into your new house--charge them rent on this one if they stay in it. Grownups pay rent and if they want to play grownup, they need to pay grownup bills.

    Sorry if I've stepped out of line with my comments. I have no children at all and so I'm the last one who should give advice on parent/child situations. And like I said, I'm just guessing. I just hate to see a young man treat his mother with disrespect. Mother's are the heart beat of Life and you deserve to be treated with love, respect and adoration.

    Congrats on your new acccessible house though! That will be cool! Let us know how you like it once you're in it!
    "I just want you to know, it was the best time ever." J.F.F.

  5. #5
    VickyLynn,

    The next few years are most likely going to be very hard on him and yourself. It does take time to kind of adjust to the new situation and the added gf does not make it any easier, believe me.

    I do hope that things work out for the better for all of you but moreso for you. I would suggest that they pay for their stay with you. Rent, utilities, food expenses and etc. This will not only help you but in the long run teach them to take responsibility for themselves. It is hard to have to adjust to being SCI'ed and to find new ways to do things but I am sure you will find them. One thing that will help you is to do as much as you can for yourself and becoming independent. I do believe that at least he should help you in some things too. As to the gf, well, maybe she may not understand that if she wants to become a part of the family, it will include helping you too as needed. You may need to sit down with them both and talk with them as to what needs to be addressed so there may be less problems in the family circle. I have a 27 yr old son and we often sit down to work out whatever things need to worked out. His gfriends have at times had problems with his helping me but he has told them he will always be there for me. He has told them that Moms cannot be replaced and that there is only one Mom in a lifetime. He has needed to become a mature young man since he also has a 4yr old daughter which he feels very responsible for. Also, he lost a 5 mo old child to SIDS and that fact has made a very deep impression on him as to responsibility to your children.

    Hope that your son does work with you and that things do work for the better.

    Raven

  6. #6
    My injury took place 10/19/200, 3 ½ weeks after moving from our condo to a nice 3 bdrm 2 bath house with a huge backyard. My wife and I have been married for 27 years and have two children 23 and 22 one is at college and the other lives at home and pays rent.. I spent 2 months in the hospital and another 4 months in re-hab. When they did my decompression on my C2 to C5 area the docs told me that they think I might of had a mini stroke, because my left side got weaker approximately 3 weeks after surgery. Except fort being able to sit up in my wheelchair
    independently I, I’m not able to transfer, dress, shower and get myself out of my chair.

    My wife and children have been my primary care givers since my accident and this has created a lot of regret and anger on every ones part. My son and daughter do not like taking care of their Dad especially when it comes to helping me with bathroom issues and accidents. My bowels seem to want to work when they want. I’ve tried bowel programs with magic bullets and other ways, but it doesn’t seem to ever work. Nothing I hate more are bowel accidents as I’m usually home alone and have to call someone to come home to clean my mess. This is when the kids hate to be around and it’s usually my wife who ends up coming home from work to clean me up and get me in clean clothes and then she goes back to work. I feel like I am now being left out of the loop when it comes to going ons between my wife and kids. It’s like te tree of them and ten there’s the dog, tv and I in a 12x 12 room. Like there’s a lack of respect even though I’m injured
    I’m still the Dad. Is it just me or is this normal.

    What I really need is a care giver that can help me do my ROM exercises and assist us with showers and in times of need of bowel care, since my everyone in the family is 4'6 and under. my son works full time and hardly ever home, that leaves it to my wife who is 60 lbs lighter and 6 inches shorter than I, so this takes toll. It seems unless you have medicaid and the waiver, your only other choice is to pay for it out of pocket. I unfortunately have a PPO plus medicare. The cost of everything seems so high when one becomes disable and dependant on another for the care. I’m only 49 and the thought of my wife leaving me or ending up in a nursing home seems like a death sentence. I know tat my wife is starting to get stressed out at different times and knowing that I can”t help her out much doesn’t make it any better. Just today I asked her why every time the kids call they ask for her and don”t even bother to ask “how te heck are you Dad”.

    .

  7. #7
    Senior Member BeeBee's Avatar
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    MrP: have you considered looking for assistance thru "Little People" organizations? There may be some help there, as I'm sure you're not alone with sketetal disorders that may have led to nerve damage. Just a thought, and please don't be offended, as there was no intent.
    BeeBee

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