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Thread: I'm feeling guilty

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Denver, Colorado

    Red face I'm feeling guilty

    Hi Guys...

    Well... Don was injured in May 2005. For the past almost 18 months... I have not taken care of myself... my mammo is overdue, my teeth haven't been looked at (cleaned), I'm gaining weight.... whine, whine.

    Anyway... in the past month, i made a commitment to myself to begin to take care of myself and now I feel guilty. I still am with Don and helping him just as much as I was but it's almost like I am co-dependent.... He is ok with me taking time to work-out... I am cycling and working out at a club 4 times a week and I feel like I should be with him all the time... I work full time and at the age of 52, if I don't take care of myself, then I won't be there to take care of him.

    Anyway.... any advice for how I am feeling? HELP!!


  2. #2
    Hi Sieg.

    What you're feeling is very common for caregivers. The mental, emotional and physical stresses faced when caring for a loved one should not be underestimated, and taking care of yourself is very important.

    I"m posting a link to a site for caregivers that you might find helpful.

    Take care-

  3. #3
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    North Carolina, USA
    I feel your pain seig. I too suffer from this, and I don't really have a good answer for you. The thing I try to do is to do things I enjoy WITH Chad so that although we are together, I can relax. We watch a TV show I like, I read a fluffy magazine in bed while he sleeps, etc. I know it's not great, but as is true in so many other areas of my life: I HAVE NO CHOICE. If you have a choice take it - and let the guilt be there, it should wane with time I'd think. Take good care, Ami
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  4. #4
    My husband was injured in May 05 also. Like you, I did nothing for myself until this month. There was finally a break in the constant stream of appts for him. Now I am becoming paranoid about my health. Who would care for him if I wasn't there? Who would care for me?

    You need to take time for you. That's part of caring for your self and keeping your immune system healthy. The forum below is a great place to vent if you need to or just get support.

    You're on the right track. Keep it up!

  5. #5
    hey Sieg, my dad is my full-time caregiver while my mom still works part-time to stay busy. anyway, i had them move into my house and bought them a treadmill and stationary bike to keep some cardio workout machines available for them. like you said, you need to stay healthy to take care of Don as my folks need to do the same for me. my advice.. get something or 2 pcs. of equipment for the house. you will be closer, workouts will be shorter bc by the time you drive round trip to the gym, you possibly could have completed a workout. you may enjoy the break by going to the gym......?

    welcome country woman..

    Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches. It's more like a jar of jalapenos--What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

    If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby. Carlos Mencia

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Denver, Colorado
    Thanks to everyone! I scheduled a mammo and a teeth cleaning and I have been working out 3-4 times a week....

    I think Don might join me at the gym... They have a pool lift and some of the equipment can be used by someone in a chair...

    I'll keep you posted!


  7. #7
    Senior Member BeeBee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Washington, D.C.
    Taking Don to the gym with you is an excellent idea. Take a look in the exercise forum, and you can get some ideas for his workout in addition to pool time.
    It's okay to take time for yourself. You've given him a year and a half full time, its good for both of you to pull away. You didn't say his injury level or his independence ability, but he has to be able to survive without you, on a mental level. It isn't good for him, long term, to become completely dependent on your company. It had to be done in the trauma phase, but you're right in starting to get on with your life.
    I felt SO quilty leaving my son at about 6 months post, and he finally looked at me and said, "Mom, get out of here and live your life". Yes, he still lives at home and at times takes a lot of care, but he was right.
    Hang in there, you're taking the right steps, and doing the right things. The guilt feelings will start to lessen as you realize you're doing right by both of you.

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Denver, Colorado
    Thanks BeeBee...

    Don is a T11 complete.

  9. #9
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Oh I can relate to the guilt you describe ..... I used to feel guilty evertime I went to the bathroom to pee when Bill was first injured now thats clearly over the top and totally misplaced guilt ! But I just couldn't get past those feelings for the first little while because by comparison everything I did in my life seemed so effortless and trite relative to the way Bill had to live !
    I finally did come to terms with all that but it took awhile .... I finally made up my mind I needed to look after me too and when I take time off for myself I just do it and try not to let my mind go to that dark place. That decision finally led me to the point of finally making a trip to Arizona to see my Mom, having my knee surgery and facing the realization I have some significant weight to loose all of which piled up on me as a result of all that guilt !
    But I won't kid you guys .... its been 8 years almost 9 now and its still hard some days and even though I go places and do things and genuinely enjoy myself there will always be a sorrow in my heart for all that was lost the day Bill was injured ! I simply accept that fact as part of my life !
    I do take some comfort in the gift of the realization of what is truly important in our life and try never to take simple pleasures for granted. Its too bad it takes something so tragic to get there ... I just wish the rest of the world would get it without having to experience something like we have!
    ..... oh and I should mention finding CareCure all those years ago surely helped as well I can't imagine having to go through this without the support I found here ... I'm glad you found us too !

    Last edited by Obieone; 10-27-2006 at 10:55 AM.
    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi

    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  10. #10

    Smile you are great

    my wife deserted me after my r an angel.keep it up,God will reward must keep fit.thats very important

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