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Thread: need advice

  1. #1

    need advice

    my husband is quadriplegic. he has a caregiver that comes in the morning to help him with bowel programs and dress up...over the past years the caregiver has been very rude to me and disrectpectful...my husband and i talked to her a few times and she'll say sorry but goes back to the same nasty attitude again. my husaband's firing her tomorrow but my husband said to my face that he's firing her because of me. i told him that if he didn't wanna fire her he didn't have to do it...i just have to deal with her nasty attitude towards me. but he said he's really firing her. if he fires her i'm gonna be the one helping him in the morning which i love to do but then my husband said that the relationship will not work if the spouse is the caregiver. is it really true? coz' i love him and very much willing to help him. help!

  2. #2
    I can completely relate to you. I can not tell you what to do and agree that you are in a very tough situation. If you keep that bitch, you can lose your relationship because your husband needs her. We had a home aid for 2 years that was not nice to me. We chose to have no home aid, after going through 10 bad ones. She always showed up but was disrespectful. Being a wife and caregiver is the hardest job. It has worked for us for 4 years now. But It is very rare. Doing your husbands bowel program is really disgusting and I would think it would be hard to make love to someone when you just put your finger in their butt and wiped their ass. Sorry so graphic, but for me I could eat lunch while doing it. If you can seperate the two roles, I would say go for it. The only other problem for us is the guilt that my husband feels when I'm up in the middle of the night when he has an accident in bed. He feels so bad that his wife does these things and he has no dignity. I used to be a school teacher and tell him that I have the best job in the world. His injury has taught me more about life than I could have learned in any other role. We have been on an amazing journey. He dove in a pool and I saved his life. One more thing, Have you tried a new home aid? Taking on the role of wife and caregiving should be your last resort because once you take the job it would be hard to go back. Please email me if you want to talk!

  3. #3
    thank you ver much for the advise...i'll e mail you

  4. #4
    Happee - check your PMs.
    - Richard

  5. #5
    Hi, I am also a caregiver for my husband, he is not in a wheel chair yet, but hardly can walk with a cane. I work full time and he is very loney all day, has no friends can't get out by his self and it just breaks my heart that I can't be with him 24/7, but I have to do what I have to do.
    As for your question about your relationship not working that's not true at all, well not from my point of view. If anything it should bring you both closer to each other. Yes it's a hard job and you will argue over things because you are tired or he has different ideas on what he needs, but hang in there just try your best and let him know you are there for him no matter what. The road is rough but with alittle patience and all your love it will work.
    Good Luck to you both.
    Marianne

  6. #6
    thanks maretedesco, i totally agree with u. i think my husband just does'nt want me to do all the duties because of his ego or something. today is like a new beginning for us. having the caregiver all those times was a pain in the ass. and now that she's not working here anymore, i feel like a heavy load was lifted.being a caregiver and a mother of a 1 year old son is a lot of work but i have no compalints.


    to all of u who replied ang gave me advice, thank you very much!!!
    God bless....

  7. #7
    My SO is my main PCA and has been for 10 years. Works for us.

    I would never keep a PCA that was disrespectful after being warned. I've fired quite a few; my self-respect is definitely operational.

    Your husband sounds insecure. Pseudo-machismo, perhaps? I'm very sorry for you. I hope the others had good suggestions - I just do not understand men like that.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Robynbird569's Avatar
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    Its hard for me to understand how someone who is hired by you can come into YOUR home and be mean with an attitude. Cant understand ppl these days. Tell her your sorry you disturbed her and interuppted her precious time, tell her next time to really look close at what career she chooses and show her the door as quickly as possible (preferably with your foot). Then decided to try it again with a new person or consider tending to him yourself, but you dont have to put up with that crap from someone in your own home.


    Stay safe my son. See you around thanksgiving!

  9. #9
    My wife has been my caregiver since day 1 of my accident, 3-10-03. She was at my side everyday, in the hospital and everyday at Rehab. I hate to say it, but my accident brought us even closer together. We talk more than we ever did, and even though the bowel program is disgusting it does give us some alone time. Even when I had 3 additional surgeries last year, we talked to the doctor, my wife did my bowel program in the hospital. I don't know if I would like for anyone else to help me with that. We even talked about a PCA, but she said she would be uncomfortable with somebody coming into our home everyday and helping me. Like they say " to each his own " whatever works for you.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by carman767
    My wife has been my caregiver since day 1 of my accident, 3-10-03. She was at my side everyday, in the hospital and everyday at Rehab. I hate to say it, but my accident brought us even closer together. We talk more than we ever did, and even though the bowel program is disgusting it does give us some alone time. Even when I had 3 additional surgeries last year, we talked to the doctor, my wife did my bowel program in the hospital. I don't know if I would like for anyone else to help me with that. We even talked about a PCA, but she said she would be uncomfortable with somebody coming into our home everyday and helping me. Like they say " to each his own " whatever works for you.
    Hi Carman,

    You have a fine and devoted wife. You're a lucky man. I just wish that you didn't have to find this out under these particular circumstances.

    I wouldn't want a stranger (PCA) whom I'd have to pay, hanging around my house all day either just for an hour of bowel care or to do some water fetching.

    Best wishes.
    "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of Alexandria

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