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Thread: My first post-injury outing

  1. #71
    The thread is indeed interesting; as I commented before, it's a journal of your learning to live again.
    If it would help you to talk about your negative feelings, please go ahead. I expect that your feelings are shared by most people in your position, and as many here on CC have dealt with the same issues, you may be able to draw on their experience. SCI sucks big time, no argument there.
    And yes, is there a timetable for your flying from this nest into which you were precipitated?
    - Richard

  2. #72
    vbmenu_register("postmenu_556956", true);
    hi ergvepeog it is wonderful to hear that your husband is finally starting to get his life back. Everybody tells me it will come, so I have to believe it is true that eventually it will happen for me too.

    As for when I will actually be getting to go home, that is still up in the air. Originally it was looking like somewhere around from the mid to the end of October. But things have not always gone according to plan due to some delays in getting the funding for my rehab straightened out and then my health not cooperating once my rehab program got set up. So that deadline has come and gone. We are now hoping for the first week in December, which I suppose really isn't that far away. And after ten months, another four or five weeks isn't going to make that much of a difference, really. But even then, I won't be going home right away. I will just be going to another hospital for a very brief transition period before I actually get to go home. Although that will probably only be a few days at the most.

    I was trying to rush things, but after much battling my private and provincial health care insurance has agreed to pay for up to nine more weeks if needed. Hopefully that is not going to be the case. However given the many horror stories I have heard of people being turned out of rehab much too early, I realize how lucky I am. I have no complaints, but the thought of nine more weeks of this is very distressing. I am making progress and there is still a lot I could be working on, but at this point I just want to go home.

    Quote Originally Posted by rfbdorf
    If it would help you to talk about your negative feelings, please go ahead. I expect that your feelings are shared by most people in your position, and as many here on CC have dealt with the same issues, you may be able to draw on their experience. SCI sucks big time, no argument there. - Richard
    I have to be careful because I could fill a book with all my negative feelings right now. I don't know. It's been up and down and I know that is normal. Although I haven't bottomed out in awhile, I fear I am coming dangerously close to the point again. I am trying to keep things in perspective. I have been slammed by some serious health problems lately and I know that is bound to affect how I think and feel about myself and things in general. And even though my health problems are being dealt with and will hopefully be under control soon, it's hard to stay focused and positive some times. One way I was dealing with everything was trying to find humour in the most painful things. Another was to keep my mind as active as I could by focusing on things outside of the injury--things that don't really matter like books or movies but that can help provide a distraction. And those strategies do work well for me most of the time. I can stave of negative and sad feelings by putting my focus somewhere else. I suppose it might be a form of denial but it works.

    But sometimes these things fail me and then I just get so overwhelmed by everything. My anxiety spikes, I withdraw from the people in my life or else I take out my anger on them, I cry, I give up on trying or learning things because I just don't want to face it, I start either hating myself or feeling sorry for myself. It's not like this all the time or even most of the time. But enough of the time that I just don't know how to move forward. Maybe the hardest thing to deal with is that how I feel can change dramatically even within the course of a day. So it's constant a constant emotional upheaval some days.

    Wow. I think I might have perhaps gotten a bit more self-confessional that I planned. Oh well. I seem to have an easier time writing about it than talking about it. My typical appointment with my psychiatrist is that I write all week then I bring in the letters and he sits there and reads them lol. He comments on what I have written--then I go off and write a response to his comments and the whole thing is repeated the following week. I don't know why writing is easier but it is.

    You know Richard, I do actually feel a bit better now.
    Last edited by orangejello; 10-30-2006 at 04:10 PM.

  3. #73
    Quote Originally Posted by orangejello
    You know Richard, I do actually feel a bit better now.
    My bill is in the mail

    I can't imagine going through serious SCI without getting onto the big-time emotional roller-coaster.
    The people that you come in contact with, if they have a single active brain cell, and if they care about you, also understand this. Even though they may feel hurt by something you may do or say at the time, on reflection they will understand the reason and make allowances.

    Wow, health problems - if you want to avoid those, stay out of hospitals! That's where darn near everything that made my wife SCI and then added insult to injury (into the ICU & nearly died because of a medication foul-up; hospital-borne infections,...) happened.

    Sieg & I are in similar positions - life is slowly returning to our respective spouses.

    It is interesting how the human brain responds to expressing its own doubts, fears and anxieties. "Know thyself." It always helps. And amazingly - there are always people who will listen!
    - Richard

  4. #74
    Last edited by orangejello; 10-31-2006 at 08:38 PM.

  5. #75
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Somewhere in the Rocky Mountains
    Quote Originally Posted by orangejello
    I seem to have an easier time writing about it than talking about it.
    This seems to be my method as well. I always shred my thoughts though after I put them on paper. I dont want the men with the white straight jackets coming my way....LOL

    If I am particularly worried or mad...this really helps then I can rationally decide what to do about the problem. The only thing is with a teenager it is kind of hard to put everything on paper....I would never get done!!!!

    OJ I can honestly say I dont know how you feel or even begin to understand the feelings that you have.....Just know that I will listen and be a friend. Health problems sucks....well life just sucks some days.....At least we can all agree on that little tidbit...LOL

    I really hate how psychiatrists/counselors turn things around. I am not a "how do you feel about this or how does this make me feel?" kind of person...... Sometimes there is no other way to say it than "it just feels like shit!!!" LOL

    Hang in there OJ!!!
    T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

    My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

  6. #76
    Writing does seem to be good therapy OJ. Be it in a journal of some sort or on here with everyone helping. The ups and downs unfortunately stay with you after going home, but that will help quite a bit.

    Hang in there and keep us posted. We're always here for a shoulder and complaint board.
    C2/3 quad since February 20, 1985.

  7. #77
    Okay so I have been pretty much just freaking out all over the place. I am driving myself and everybody around me crazy. I am probably going to sound like a complete idiot here but it's okay.

    People say to me there reaches a point where everything stops becoming so overwhelming. And I don't doubt that is true. But what happens if you are in a place where you just can't be bothered trying to deal with it all anymore? I tried to talk this out with somebody on my rehab team this morning. Their reaction was "just talk it through and you will feel better later." Then they asked me if I was feeling suicidal. And now, maybe I am just feeling paranoid but I don't think so, it feels like everybody is watching me like a hawk. Which, of course, is just getting me more agitated.

    My answer was I don't think I am. But over the past two or three weeks I have been going through these periods where I just don't care anymore about most things. I have been having a hell of a time with my physical health and I know that affects how I am thinking about things. But at this point, the health stuff is becoming more of an annoyance than a reason for me to get worked up to the brink of despair. It's like some days I just feel like the medical staff can do what they want to me and I don't care. I am not meaning to rag on them. I am getting good care and I have no complaints. But one of my doctors can sit there and tell me things and I just drown him or her out. And I am asked if understand I just say yes. It's not that I don't understand. I just can't be bothered to listen to or process what I am being told. And when I am asked do you have questions I just say no because I don't even care enough to ask.

    But that's fine because somebody, whether it is a nurse or a doctor or somebody else, is taking care of those things. I can totally play a passive role in the medical stuff because whatever needs to get done will get done. I guess unless I raise objections or something. But I don't.

    But I can't take such a disinterested role in other things. There are still many things I need to be doing and working on before I go home. But I don't want to do them anymore. So when I got asked this morning if I was suicidal I had no other answer than I don't know. Because I don't think this lack of desire to do anything is coming from actively suicidal feelings. It's more that after ten months of learning to learn to cope and live this way and dealing with everything I am wore out. I am not meaning to whine but it's like when every single thing you need to do to get through a day is a big problem, including for me breathing, what do you do when you run out of energy? What do you do when you don't even have it in you to work with the professionals who could help you through it? It's not a matter of wanting to die. And it's not a matter of not wanting to do things that will make my life better. It's just that at a certain point fatigue sets in and I don't know what you do to get over it because this is how it is now and it's not going to change in two weeks when I go home. Or next year if I go back to school.

    It's messed up. I know what clinical depression feels like. Maybe some of that is playing into this. I don't know. But I fear that it's just more of an understanding that I have finite physical and emotional energy to deal with this stuff.

    Probably I will find a way to get through this. I don't know. But the fear that is eating at me is this is as good as it will get and that is not something I know how to deal with.
    Last edited by orangejello; 11-08-2006 at 04:26 PM.

  8. #78
    Senior Member canuck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    BC Canada
    Hang in there Amanda its no wonder you feel the way you do, you've had to deal with so much the last 10 months. One medical problem after another is really wearing both physically & mentally. Sounds like you are having what I refer to as a "Stop the bus I want off!" moment where you would like to just detach yourself everything you have to deal with?

    Probably random babble from the guy from BC.

  9. #79
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Hampshire, England.
    Hi OJ - I see you've been injured for about a year. At this point my rehab. group, about fifteen of us, were spending a third of the time in hospital and the rest at home. We all agreed that it was the most stressful period we had experienced since the first shock of injury. Suddenly the security blanket of the hospital was removed and we realised that we were metaphorically "on our own". I think you may be going through that phase now.

    Feelings swung from panic to complete apathy and all stops in between, it was a kind of ostrich syndrome, stick your head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening.

    All I can tell you is that we all came through it with some taking longer than others. Hang in there and do the only thing you can, your best.

    Not much but I hope it helps a little, Jon.

  10. #80

    Smile hope

    Amanda, you'll do just fine girl. Look at us we made it, and if we can then we know you can. It certainly is a strange new world. Don't be too hard on yourself...

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