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Thread: My first post-injury outing

  1. #121
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    I'll agree with Timaru, yes it's a steep learning curve, but you got out and did something, anything, and that is the point. About finding the flaws in the theory he's right, and you will, but it says that you can do and can overcome. God knows I have, and I wished I found this site sooner than I did, plenty of mistakes, but no regrets the total in the end was like going to a sale in a store, I got more than was thought to be available for me. Best of luck, and keep on dreaming, someday you will ride again!!

  2. #122
    I just re-read my last post. I didn't realize how rambling I was. That post shows what my problem is. I am trying to over analyze everything.

    I am just feeling really tired of everything. I hate this.

  3. #123
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    Don't over engineer something, or . I'll send you to Florida, to visit my brother, if your not crazy after a week, and still somewhat sane, you'll be cleared to fly ahead. Please don't get me going, they'll call any minute now it's Sunday.

  4. #124
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by orangejello
    I just re-read my last post. I didn't realize how rambling I was. That post shows what my problem is. I am trying to over analyze everything.

    I am just feeling really tired of everything. I hate this.
    OJ - That wasn't a rambling post it was well thought out and conveyed your feelings well.

    "I am just feeling really tired of everything. I hate this." And this is normal!

  5. #125
    Love the updates, Amanda.


  6. #126
    Quote Originally Posted by Timaru
    OJ - That wasn't a rambling post it was well thought out and conveyed your feelings well.
    Quote Originally Posted by Timaru

    "I am just feeling really tired of everything. I hate this." And this is normal!
    Hi Timaru I know it is normal. But thanks, your post did make me feel a wee bit better I was having a bad morning. The day is not getting any better. But I am maybe thinking a bit more rationally.

    "Tired of everything"--I am not even sure what that means. I guess part of it is just a general weariness over what it takes to get me thought the day. I know everybody here struggles with it, and people without disabilities do too. Because I am so fond of over analyzing things, I figured out how much of my day is consumed by care issues. I know there isn't much point in getting upset or complaining about it. Because it has to be done. It's not really negotiable most of it. But regardless, how it is making me feel is a problem. So I guess am just tired of all the "procedural stuff."

    But emotionally, it feels like I am running on empty. A few weeks ago I was feeling like I didn't want to bother struggling or dealing with things. I just didn't care anymore. I don't think not caring is my problem right now. It's just that I don't feel like I have enough left to deal with things. I just feel very worn out emotionally and like there is nothing left.

    I was upset this morning and my mom was trying to help me work through all this. She has been a rock of support and always challenges me to see things from a reality based viewpoint, rather than from whatever catastrophic outlook I have constructed in my mind. Today was no different. She was calm and patient and rational and tried to put things in a more positive light for me. Then she left to get a coffee. When she was coming back she stopped outside my door to talk to somebody and I could see she had been crying. I just felt so bad when I saw that. This isn't the first time I have seen her cry over any of this, although she tries not to do it in front of me. I am guessing that she was probably crying because I had been so upset, rather than because she was feeling as hopeless about things as I was. It's not that she was being overly optimistic or cheerful. But she was trying to help me find some strand of hopefulness to grasp onto.

    But seeing her cry, it made me realize how very fine the line is between hope and despair.

    I was wondering today if I should be writing things like this in public, if I should be revealing such personal stuff. It has been helpful for me, both to write out my feelings and to get feedback. But always at the back of my mind I wondered if it was really that wise. But then I got an email from somebody who said that this thread had been very helpful for them. So I guess I am taking a certain risk here and opening myself up. But it’s a hard call when I, and maybe others, get something good out of it. I don’t know. I seem confused and indecisive about everything these days. I am trying to work through something here, but I have no idea what it is.
    Last edited by orangejello; 12-03-2006 at 05:42 PM.

  7. #127
    Hi OrangeJello,

    You read like such a nice person that I'm really sorry that you've been put through so much. I was your age (well 24) back in '79 when I was injured but luckily only broke my back at T-5 (complete). I really feared leaving the SCI rehab too and I was only in there for about 3 months. Going out into the unknown in a wheelchair isn't something that anyone feels comfortable or confident doing, at least for the first few months or so. They kicked me outta rehab early for coming back from my weekend outtings drunk.... I just recently started sobering up so don't follow my lead.

    27 years later and I still feel a little self-conscious about going out but it isn't something that stops me from doing it. I just don't have the desire to go anywhere and since I don't own a car or have easy access to transportation, that's an added restraint. Going out to eat at a fancy restaurant isn't my kind of fun.... nuke a damn hotdog and pour a glass of iced tea. And a strawberry Jello cup with peaches in it for desert.

    It sounds like you have good family support but I understand your reticence having to rely on others for the simplest of things and feeling like you're putting a burden on them. And all of the other thousands of things that you'll need to come to terms with. But try not to over-analyze everything or you'll end up like me and not do anything at all. Not to decide is to decide. Like you, pre-SCI, I never needed anyone with me to do things or to go places. I drove tens of thousands of miles on my motorcycle soloing around the North East with a bag of golf clubs or fishing gear strapped to my bike. I'd meet people when I got to where I was going. They were usually a better "class" of people than the ones I hung out with at home! I was never much of a movie-goer, too many people sitting too close together without enough air. I'd go if my girlfriend insisted. Ironically, the last movie theater I walked into was to see "Superman" starring CR way back in '78 or '79 when it was first released. Damn, it was packed in there..... tight air.

    There isn't anything that I can say or do to change your situation or I would in a heartbeat. It's a terrible state of affairs that you find yourself in but it will get easier with time. And you're still young and a cure or partial cure is coming, it's just a matter of time. So hang in there and try to do a little something different each and every day to stay healthy to get yourself more independent.

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeJello
    But seeing her cry, it made me realize how very fine the line is between hope and despair.
    I can imagine how much worse that must have made you feel, especially on a day when you yourself were feeling down, probably even depressed. And being scared and anxious about going home in the next few days. I remember crying the night before I was released. SCI usually is a family affair and you'll all get through it if you help each other out.

    I wasn't going to reply to this thread because I don't have a miracle in my pocket or many words of encouragement for you but I feel so bad about your situation that I wanted to at least say "Hi". You don't deserve this injury but unfortunately you have it and are being forced to deal with it. I'm so sorry that there isn't a cure for you right now but with extraordinary guys like Dr. Wise Young working his backside off, hopefully someday soon.

    I'm the official rambler of verbosity here at CC so don't even play with the thought that you'll ever dethrown me. That being said, feel free to express yourself whenever you get the desire or need to. You're definitely not rambling, just expressing your feelings in a very cogent and heartfelt manner. I enjoy reading what you write and the style in which you write. You're so easy to understand and your feelings and fears are uncannily familiar to me. I just wish that for your sake you didn't have to be here writing about your feelings of fear, despair and of all the other "new" things that you're experiencing.

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeJello
    I was wondering today if I should be writing things like this in public, if I should be revealing such personal stuff.
    The real personal stuff is up in the "Care" and down in the "Sexuality and Relationship" forums. I shudder thinking back on some of the things that I've written there!

    "....down is up and up is down...." (Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll)

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeJello
    "Sentence first--verdict afterwards!" (Alice in Wonderland)
    Or as is said in every good Spaghetti Western, "We're gonna give ya a fair trial and then hang ya in the morning."

    Try to have a better day tomorrow.

    <<< Summer the greyhound wishes you well.

    Bob.
    "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of Alexandria

  8. #128
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    OJ...

    Hang in there... I for one have found this thread great.

    Bob...

    You are the dude! And I love the pic of your greyhound.

    Don's dog is a blue doberman and we never had her ears done so she looks very much like your dog... She has been invaluable to him and is always next to his chair.

    OJ... you're going to be leaving rehab soon and I hope you will keep posting about your reintegration and experiences...

    Our prayers are with you!

    Sieg

  9. #129
    Quote Originally Posted by bob clark

    I wasn't going to reply to this thread because I don't have a miracle in my pocket or many words of encouragement for you but I feel so bad about your situation that I wanted to at least say "Hi". You don't deserve this injury but unfortunately you have it and are being forced to deal with it. I'm so sorry that there isn't a cure for you right now but with extraordinary guys like Dr. Wise Young working his backside off, hopefully someday soon.

    <<< Summer the greyhound wishes you well.

    Bob.
    I meant to get back to this weeks ago and kept forgetting. Bob I wanted to thank you for that very long post you took the time to write. The moment has passed, obviously. But you posted it on a day when I was at a very low point and, I don't know, your post just hit the spot. It was like I needed to hear what you were saying at that moment and nobody who was physically around me could help. So thank you and thank Summer as well.

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