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Thread: My first post-injury outing

  1. #101
    I am still having bad days but things are a bit better this week. I don't know if it is just the medication or what. It doesn't matter really. The important thing is I am feeling a bit more like "me." My health is still in the toilet but if I start to feel better I am shooting to go out to a movie later in the week--my first one in almost a year. And instead of not caring about going home, I am beginning to panic about it again. As uncomfortable a feeling as that is, I take it as a good sign that my brain and emotion fog might be lifting ever so slowly.

    PS John I have replaced the rain cloud signature. Not quite ready for a happy face yet, but the ogre guy made me smile.
    Last edited by orangejello; 11-14-2006 at 06:34 PM.

  2. #102
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Somewhere in the Rocky Mountains
    Well it is about time you get to see a movie. Try not to worry about things....[advice from one worrywort to another] LOL

    Changing your smiley is a start but that one kind of reminds me of a "pouting mouse" or something....LOL

    Hang in there you are in the home Baseball you would be just past third base but not all the way home..LOL

    I have had a virus for the last couple of days so this is my sad attempt at laughter and entertaining myself..let me know if I am successful. If not I can always send you a sockmonkey in the mail....
    T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

    My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

  3. #103
    Over one hundred posts now...I feel like I am beating this thread to death

    Anyways I have been wanting to comment on several of the posts because many of them were just so bang on to what I am feeling but not really able to express or understand. I am a little scattered brained right now so please bear with me. I am just going to do one post at a time. That way maybe I can stretch this out to two hundred posts

    Quote Originally Posted by Timaru
    Hi OJ - I see you've been injured for about a year. At this point my rehab. group, about fifteen of us, were spending a third of the time in hospital and the rest at home. We all agreed that it was the most stressful period we had experienced since the first shock of injury. Suddenly the security blanket of the hospital was removed and we realised that we were metaphorically "on our own". I think you may be going through that phase now.

    Feelings swung from panic to complete apathy and all stops in between, it was a kind of ostrich syndrome, stick your head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening.

    All I can tell you is that we all came through it with some taking longer than others. Hang in there and do the only thing you can, your best.

    Not much but I hope it helps a little, Jon.
    Because the date for my release kept getting pushed back, the idea of going home never really sunk in. I had a few bouts of panic for sure. But it was still a very abstract notion because reality doesn't always seem so "real" for me at times--if that makes any sense. But you are right Jon, it is the most stressful period outside of the immediate post-injury shock. I think it's almost a case of me not really knowing what to make out of the idea of going home. My family and friends have been busy getting things ready for me. But it seemed like they were more involved in me going home than I was. And then as my projected discharge date came and went several times without me going anywhere, I became even more removed from things. Or at least I felt more removed. I am not going to be living with any of them, but I am sure my family is feeling some stress over me going home. Particularly my parents. But to my face, they are are smiles and enthusiastic and fun of plans. And I am feeling the complete opposite. I am dreading going home. But also not wanting to stay here. Not a great place to be in mentally.

    I have mastered the "ostrich syndrome." There are so many things I just can't deal with right now--or don't want to deal with--that it is tempting to think of many things "if I just ignore it, it will go away." It makes me feel better to go into ignore mode. But it's not such a practical daily living strategy.

    I have been, I must admit, obsessing over other people and how long it took them to get home. I am constantly thinking "this person took two months" and "this person took four months" and "he could do this and I still can't." Stuff like that. Which I know is just a waste of energy because nobody is the same. But then that is part of the emotional roller coaster too. Because it's like I can spend a morning obsessing over how long it took other people and either being angry or sad that it is taking me longer because I want to be at home right now. And then the afternoon will come and suddenly my mood shifts and I am not caring that I am still here. Up and down.

    The new avator is very nice Jon

  4. #104
    Senior Member JeffH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Bend, Oregon

    Going home

    I remember my trepidation prior to going home. Seem almost overwhelming at the time.

    About five minutes after being home though I was way happy and really glad to get out of the hospital. Never want to go back.

    Amanda, your posts exude courage and strength, even when you accuse yourself of complaining. And I love you for that.


  5. #105
    I will be going home December sixth. Unless something dire happens, that is. So I guess all I can do is wait and see. I do a lot of waiting it seems.

    Being stuck in bed with too much free time to think, I have managed to come up with yet more ways to torment myself. I have spent much of the past eleven months thinking about things I can't do anymore. Now that's a bit problematic because I do know that I can still do a lot of things and maybe even most things I did before--it is just going to mean taking a more flexible and creative approach to most things. I do know this. Yet I seem unable to focus on this part of it. The negative side tends to blot out any optimism.

    But I have taken "thinking" about things a step further. It's not enough that I obsess about them in my mind. I have now taken to creating lists about what I can't do. It's a little absurd, if you think about it. So I put these lists on my computer and then I go back and read them, and edit them, and add to them as I think of yet another thing I think I will be unable to do. Related to this is that I have finally started looking at hundreds of photographs I have stored on my computer. I haven't looked at a lot of pre-injury pictures of myself because I found it very painful. But for some reason I just had an urge to look at them lately. But it turns out that these pictures are inadvertently giving me more material for my lists. I was looking at some camping pictures and I thought "I can't roast hot dogs anymore." A picture of my nephew and I washing my car made me think that I can't do that anymore. It's silly right? I think for most of the past months I have been thinking about big things I can't do anymore, like drive a car or ride my bike. But now I am thinking about all the little things that don't come up every day, but still add meaning to our lives.

    I am afraid I sound totally crazy here.

  6. #106
    OJ, It sounds like you are doing a kind of "implosion". You are saturating and bombarding yourself with thoughts of what you cannot do. Eventually, all this saturation will get to the point that, each spontanous thought of what you can't do, will lose it's power to bother or control you. I think that strategy is paradoxically a good one. A brilliant mind at work. Go for it! But maybe be concerned if you don't move beyond that.

  7. #107
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Maybe writing the lists will help get all of these things off your mind. I find I will keep thinking of something these days, and can't get it out of my mind until I write it down. I keep a journal of sorts to collect all of these thoughts. In my case it is more on how things are different, and what is bothering me at any given time, instead of specifically what I can't do anymore but it is the same idea. And I don;t think thinking about the little things you can;t do makes you crazy, it's kind of like when you are on a diet, and actually crave foods you dislike! (At least I do).

    Good luck with going home. Leaving rehab terrified me, but it was the right thing. I am sure it will be for you as well. Just be sure you have internet set up before you get there!
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  8. #108
    Well, things are possible, just different in how they are done. Look at your list, then think about how you can adapt these things. I've been camping, in a tent, swimming, conoeing, horseback riding, climbing. There are a lot of can dos, if you think along those lines.

    Glad to hear you have a going home date, it's not far away.
    C2/3 quad since February 20, 1985.

  9. #109
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Denver, Colorado

    Please keep track of your thoughts like you have been.... It think maybe writting an article or book for other SCI high quads would be great.,... it's great that you are so honest about your thoughts.

    Don (my hubby) restored italian cars as a hobby before his accident and was very bummed that he would'nt be able to continue to do this... he had a car in our garage that he was working on at the time of his accident and it was there when he got home from rehab... and it has taken him this long (about 18 months post) to be able to touch it again... and ya know what? He has started to work on it again... the neighbor kid comes over and helps... Don is teaching him about cars and he does the heavy stuff.... So it really does work out.... Don just says that he does stuff differently now.

    OJ... believe it or not... you will be able to do the stuff you want to do... it will just be different... Don does the stuff that trainman does too... I'm so glad they gave you a going home date... I'll keep my fingers crossed that you go home then OJ...

  10. #110
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    So. California
    O.J. I have been reading all that has been written by you and the others. I remember when my son was due to come home (he is 22) 2 yrs ago. He was really stressing along with us! It's very scary - the unknown. Try not to look too far ahead, focus on how far you have come in the past year and all that you are capable of doing now compared with a year ago. Going out in public is still hard for my son - he's just not comfortable in the chair in public. It is gettng better for him. He thinks that people look away rather than stare. I think people look away because they don't want him to think they are starring! I also think that people look in order to make eye contact. Most people are caring and compassionate and I believe that the more wheelchairs that are out there, the better people will deal with it. So, get out there and enjoy your life and before you know it, there will be a CURE!!

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