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Thread: I'm going crazy!!

  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Atascadero, CA
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    I'm going crazy!!

    And I feel like I need a break. I thought I'd ask other caregivers how often they take time for themselves. I'm not talking about sitting and watching tv. How often do you actually get to get away?

    My husband thinks I'm insane for wanting to go away for a weekend and not take him. I'm sorry, but taking him with me is not a break. He is, in my opinion, very needy. Always asking for help, sometimes 10 or 15 times a day. Drives me insane. I can't get anything done and he gets really mad and manipulative if I don't help or if I complain. I am exhausted from getting up 2x's a nite with him. He is a T8-9-10 complete. He won't admit it, but I think he secretly likes to be taken care of and asks for help with things I think he should be able to do. Funny thing is, when there are friends around, he's all about showing them what he can do. I pay attention to that and then challenge him on it when it's just us. That pisses him off and starts a fight usually. He thinks that what the man says goes, I think different.

    Thanks for letting me vent.
    Marcia


    Am I unreasonable to want to get away for a weekend every other month? He won't let me hire any help around here and I just can't keep up. He says I took care of everything before his accident and so the only thing added is him fulltime. And all the stuff he used to do that he can't do now, which is a lot. He doesn't get it. He thinks he doesn't need a lot of help. I say that he does; it's just that it's not in large chunks of time, but it all does add up. And I am frustrated and depressed big time. And weigh more now than I ever have (depression makes me EAT a lot).




  2. #2
    At the T level, your husband should be able to do A LOT by himself. What can he not do for himself in your house if everything is accessible?


  3. #3
    I know lots of lower C-levels who are completely independant so a T8 should most definitely be doing more than it sounds that he is. It sounds like it's putting a major strain on your relationship, and that's not healthy either. Maybe some tough love is in order? He'll figure out really quick how to take care of himself if he has no other choice. Good luck.
    If there is light
    it will find
    you

    --Charles Bukowski

  4. #4
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    I think I would go away whether he liked it or not.

  5. #5
    You can come and stay with me. I'm C5/6 and wouldn't need the help that your husband expects. Just go. At his level he'll soon learn.
    C5/6 incomplete

    "I assume you all have guns and crack....."

  6. #6
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Paul - no way! I was first, I got nibbs ... err dibbs!

  7. #7
    I'm T4 complete - I regularly kick my hubby out of the house for a few days or more just to give us both a break. We live in the country, no neighbours, no relatives around, but I have my cats for company & my mobile phone with all the necessary numbers if anything goes wrong. But it never does. Your husband should have absolutely no problems being alone for a while - organize a break for yourself, tell him you're going and let him get on with it. It's time he learned to fend for himself a little. And you shouldn't have to wake 2x a nite for him either - why? He can cath on his own or whatever it is you both wake for. It'll be tough for you but things need to change there it seems otherwise you really will crack up.
    Last edited by carbar; 08-13-2006 at 05:12 AM.

  8. #8
    Hi Marcia,

    I'm a complete T-5 and live alone.... well with my greyhound who just for no good reason (except to get another Milk-Bone) woke me up. I commonly go for a week or two without ever setting eyes on another living person.

    Your husband is being manipulative as he should be able to easily take care of himself. Do everything. Period.

    It may in part be your own fault if he can't access what he needs in the house. Is your house or apartment totally wheelchair accessible? Or enough so that he can cath, do his bowel care and shower? And work (have access to) the washer and dryer?

    Make sure everything he may want or needs is low (not hidden up on the top shelf) so he can get to it. Like food and his clothes etc.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marcia
    He won't admit it, but I think he secretly likes to be taken care of and asks for help with things I think he should be able to do.
    It's called being lazy and manipulative and he's using you for his own reasons.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marcia
    I am exhausted from getting up 2x's a nite with him.
    There is zero reason for you to have your sleep interrupted unless your bathroom isn't wheelchair accessible. And if it isn't then it should be made so. Or move so he can have a 100% wheelchair accessible bathroom and kitchen.

    Fill the freakin' fridge up, make sure he has enough cathing supplies etc and go away for a weekend. Hell, go for a full week... it sounds like you need to get away from him for awhile. He's a grown man who has become accustomed to you always being there waiting on him hand and foot.

    As long as there's a phone in the house he can dial 911 if he has an emergency. Even hide a house key outside so he can tell the ambulance EMTs where it is so they won't need to break a window. Although in 99% of the cases he should be able to wheel or crawl or scoot to the door and open it himself. Or better yet, let him call one of his friends that he's trying to impress and they can drive him to the ER in an emergency. It's time to cut the umbilical cord. You're his wife, not his caregiver. If he were a high level quad it would be a different story.

    And when he asks you why you left him ALL alone (boo-hoo) and didn't take him with you, tell him that when he's starts taking care of himself like he should be doing now, maybe an outting, weekend get-away or even an extended vacation might be fun for the both of you if he would grow the hell up and do his share in the relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marcia
    And all the stuff he used to do that he can't do now, which is a lot.
    And what might a lot of these things be? Replace a lightbulb up on the ceiling? Move a heavy piece of furniture? He can still do 90% of the stuff he could before if he had to. And the stuff that he really can't do, (if you're not there) he can have his friends do or pay someone to do.

    My able-bodied stepfather was like that after he got into his 70s. He enjoyed and perhaps even thrived on the attention the doctors and nurses gave him so he became a quasi-hypochondriac. And of course at home he had my mother doing things for him that he could have easily done himself. She became tired of it and got a job at a local Dollar Store just to get away from him for a few hours everyday. She shortly thereafter became the store manager and had to put in a fairly long hours. Hahaha. Then of course he'd call her at work 1/2 a dozen times a day. Christ, get a life.

    Perhaps someone here knows and can post the link to "The Caregivers Bill of Rights".

    Have a good day Marcia....and an enjoyable weekend away from the hubby.

    Oh and by the way, he's paralyzed, not you.
    "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of Alexandria

  9. #9
    I have to argue with the comment on being able to do 90% of what he did before. There is no way that my husband can do weedwhacking and lawn mowing at this point. We have a huge hilly yard and he can't even get in the back yard because it's so steep. I know that eventually he could mow with the right equipment, but that takes money. A couple of the shutters blew off the other day and he can't fix those. He can't do routine car maintenance and he can't drive yet until we get a vehicle that is accessible for him. Also takes money. We have two small boys as well and my husband was always very helpful around the house. So I also feel that there is alot more on my plate now even though my husband hates to ask for anything and continues to work hard at being independent and doing as much as he can at home.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by ginamarie
    I have to argue with the comment on being able to do 90% of what he did before. There is no way that my husband can do weedwhacking and lawn mowing at this point. We have a huge hilly yard and he can't even get in the back yard because it's so steep. I know that eventually he could mow with the right equipment, but that takes money. A couple of the shutters blew off the other day and he can't fix those. He can't do routine car maintenance and he can't drive yet until we get a vehicle that is accessible for him.
    I had to laugh at your comments above, ginamarie. I seriously doubt monkey's husband wants her to hang shutters, mow the lawn or do routine car maintenance in the middle of the night. LOL Just struck me as funny.

    As for you, monkey/marcia, the guy can care for himself at his level. What does he think he needs help with twice overnight?

    I'm surprised you don't want to get away more often than a weekend every other month.

    Get out of the house. Let him care for himself. No more waking you up in the middle of the night (x 2). If he won't stop, sleep in another room.

    I'm not sure what he needs help with 10 to 15 times a day. Cannot imagine. Did he have this attitude and behavior pre-injury?

    As for his view of "what a man says goes"??? If he keeps asking/telling you to do things, it sounds as though the only thing that goes will be you when you finally get enough and walk out the door.

    Tell him no. Even if it takes him longer to do something than it does you, tell him no. Independence is a great and wonderful thing, for each of you.

    Oh, and no need for arguments when you politely decline his requests/demands for help because "No!" is a complete sentence.

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