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Thread: How do I tell new girl about legbag, etc

  1. #1

    How do I tell new girl about legbag, etc

    I met a girl at the bar on Thursday night and we've been hanging out a lot the past two days, going on dates, etc. I really like her and we get along great. Everything just clicked from the very beginning and there has never been any awkwardness about anything. She saw right through the chair and saw me as a person, and we both just feel really comfortable with each other.

    However, I am still a little worried about the fact I wear an external catheter and a legbag. If things heat up to the point of going past kissing, it's going to be rather uncomfortable and weird to have to stop, go to the bathroom, unhook everything etc.

    So, how should I tell her about it? I dont think she will freak out or be like, "that's gross" but I am a little worried about it. I dont know what I would do in her situation.

    Guys who have met girls post-SCI how did you break news like that to them when you first met them? Has anyone had this problem? If I did IC, I wouldn't have to worry about it, so I am thinking of maybe switching to that in the future. But it doesnt help me now, now does it.

    I will most likely see her tonight so if anyone can give me advice or ease my fears, that would be great. I'd appreciate it.

  2. #2
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    <-- Not a guy, at least the last time I checked on 'the girls' .. but I think we work ourselves up paranoid thinking about such things.

    She probably already has an idea. Relax and enjoy the ride.

  3. #3

    Thumbs up Just be yourself and open

    My experience is that their curious. No biggy. They were more concerned about my scars than the bag. It is what it is. Eventually you'll have to show your setup
    Lynarrd Skynyrd Lives

  4. #4
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    My recommendation: make a joke from it now, before it comes up in an awkward moment. For example, if you're at a restaurant or coffee shop, say something "will you excuse me, my legbag needs to use the john" ... leave and then explain when you get back the setup simply and factually, then just move on to another topic; make it no big deal. If she likes you, if may surprise her or she may have already googled "how dudes in wheelchairs take a piss" and knows. Either way, if she is already interested in you, how you pee will be the last thing she will care about. As for me, I just asked Chad - "so, how on earth do you pee?". I'm sorta direct.

    Just my 2 cents - good luck!

    Ami
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  5. #5
    Hmmm, and who was it that told you to go to the bar.

    Maybe you don't always meet the greatest people at the bar, sometimes you do. I told you I always approach or am approached when I go.

    I don't really know how to bring it up, maybe just start by making a comment regarding your fall/sci. Tell her soon though if you are already fooling around. It will be awkward if some touching is going on before you get a chance to remove it and she doesn't know about it. You don't want that anxiety while you're around her either.
    Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know that, so it goes on flying anyways--Mary Kay Ash

  6. #6
    I think women tend to get less freaked about about things like this. I'm sure you are way more conscious of it then she would ever be.

  7. #7
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    Matt,

    When I started seeing my current GF, I went through the same process as you seem to be going. Unbeknownst to me, she quickly (thanks to Internet) did some homework on disabilities and the limitations/challenges faced by the disabled folks. I did, however, broach the subject with her first very soon in our relationship by telling her that I knew there must be a thousand questions on her mind about my disability and that I welcome her questions.

    With that in mind, her first question that nearly threw me out of the chair was "can you do it?" I played dumb and asked her if she could be more specific. She rubbed my penis and asked if I could do it. Long story short, she had read or misunderstood that disabled people were sexually-challenged. So, that opened the door for me to talk about my abilities and inabilities as well. I freely talked about cathing, condom catheters, leg bags, BP, etc. and showed her many of these items I use. I recall that I was a bit nervous about overwhelming her with TMI, so I was continually asking her if she had had enough info or for her to tell me stop when she's had enough for the day. She did freak out the first time I cath myself in front of her as she thought it must hurt shoving the catheter down my junk.

    I learned that I was more concerned and nervous than her about sharing this info. Just do it slowly and in bits and pieces. I would have done mine a little bit slower in hindsight but you could say that I got it done quickly though things like this could emotionally overwhelm a woman.

    Good luck, dude.

  8. #8
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    Better to tell her, or have her ask, than to have her wonder and imagine you have an appliance or situation that doesn't exist. I'd say "you have got to have a million questions so lets get started."
    "Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and other people may not be able to tell the difference."

  9. #9
    Senior Member mr_coffee's Avatar
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    Matt, I met 5 girls post sci, they all could careless about my sci (but I DO NOT tell them about how I do a bowel movement, that can wait till marriage hah). If they see gloves and lube I say I have to wear the gloves to cath.

    Once I knew they liked me as a person and it could go futher I used this tatic, I started telling them little things about my sci. Like, i can't sweat, or i can't feel hot/cold/pain on my legs but I can feel them fine if you touch them.

    Then they started getting curious. Then I brought up the issue that I can't cum, they loved that for some reason. Somtimes they said, well if you can't cum, how do you pee? I tell them, well thats the internesting part, I have to cath. Then they ask all about that and I the whole story and why sci has to do that or some that can't hold it at all.

    Now I don't do this all in 1 day/conversation it takes a week or so. Then if they want to go out to a bar or a club or whatever, I tell them, well I have to wear this thing called a leg bag to make it easier so I don't have to rush to the restrooom in under 2 mins.

    I show them what it looks like and thats that. But whatever you do, don't let them find out on their own, that would freak them out I think more than you telling them. Now I don't know if i only attract devos or what but the new thing is they want to watch me cath to see what it looks like , WTF go make me some pancakes.


    Its interesting, all the girls I met post sci, could careless about tthe fact that I have to cath/wear a leg bag but the girl I was with 4 years before sci was freaked out about it. The whore shafted me! come on! hah

    Goodluck man! Don't worry over it too much, i think you found a winner!
    Last edited by mr_coffee; 07-23-2006 at 01:05 PM.
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  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by mr_coffee
    Now I don't know if i only attract devos or what but the new thing is they want to watch me cath to see what it looks like , WTF go make me some pancakes.
    You crack me up, I have to remember that one!
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    "If you can't explain it to me in less than 10 seconds, it's probably not worth knowing anyway..." - Calvin

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