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  1. #1
    Senior Member ChopperChick's Avatar
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    Is this normal for now?

    Mike is home..... Spent the day yesterday nice to everyone and shitty to me because we had a hard time getting out of the car, into the house, or I had a hard time putting the stupid leg rests on the chair etc. The whole day wasn't bad. Then, A L L N I G H T long he wakes up about every fifteen minutes cussing and and saying he can't live like this etc. Oh ya, and did I mention I did his cath all night. It isn't all bad you guys, we had a lot of good moments yeserday. He watched me and the kids swim and his friends visitied etc.

    So, when do I finally tell him to suck it up and shut up and do your own cath etc. He is still very sore and won't take meds, so I am empathizing big time. Anyway, do I cut him off cold turkey or ween him for a few days. I know they say the first days are the hardest.

  2. #2
    Several healthcare professionals warned me the person the injured loves the most gets the brunt of hthe hostility. I find it true. At least you know he loves YOU the most. Best wishes, be strong and ask yourself how you would behave if YOU were him.

  3. #3
    It is very difficult for all of us not in his shoes to judge on such a difficult situation. I can tell you that the first time I got in my car it took me like fifteen minutes. It sucked. Now I get in and out with A LOT less effort on the same car and it is no big deal.

    If you ask me, cathing at night ranks right there with "taking a dump" as the biggest pain in the ass about SCI. Thank God I don't have pain and other than not being able to pass the cath very early on, I have had no major complications.

    I had a shattered left wrist and a TLSO so my wife had to do pretty much everything for a long time. Sometimes she is an easy target, but I try really hard to make it up to her and appreciate everything she does. Sometimes, when I am tired she still once in a while helps me out with the midnight cath. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

    Having said that, our relationship is pretty much the same as it was before. She still lets me have it when she thinks I am out of line and bitches at me with no mercy. That is good, pitty is bad. Self pitty is the worst, I think, to make it through all of this. It will get easier, it takes time.

    Does Mike have other SCI related complications? How are his other injuries healing up? Has he been curious about visiting this site?? Sooner rather than later it should be him asking all the questions. My wife doesn't even know this site exists (ok, yes she does because she sees me visiting so often but she has never visited). Eventually he has to take command of his care.
    T6 complete (or so I think), SCI since September 21, 2003

  4. #4
    Senior Member justadildo's Avatar
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    ...he needs to suck it up and shut it up asap....sooner the better.....you're the wife not the doormat...and he needs to get his ass on-line and learn somthing instead of you having to be his "modem"......if you don't get him movin the resentment will settle in before you know it....don't let it get to that point, you need each other, ...he needs to understand he's not the only one dealing with this...

  5. #5
    Senior Member ChopperChick's Avatar
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    He doesn't know how to use the computer. Truthfully you guys, he is in a real bad spot right now. Even if he did know how to get on, he has no interest in anything. It will get better I know...

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by ChopperChick
    He doesn't know how to use the computer. Truthfully you guys, he is in a real bad spot right now. Even if he did know how to get on, he has no interest in anything. It will get better I know...
    you're making the mistake of becoming his caretaker. you will cease to be lovers if you're both not careful. you need a mediator--a counselor.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by ChopperChick
    He doesn't know how to use the computer. Truthfully you guys, he is in a real bad spot right now. Even if he did know how to get on, he has no interest in anything. It will get better I know...
    Oh man! You need to change that. He would love it if he became tech-savvy because it's one thing that his condition cannot take away from him.


  8. #8
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    Hey There...

    Oh... this brings back memories. When Don came home... he immediately wanted to sit on the couch (which of course was at least 6 inches lower than his chair)... he was weak and had no trouble getting on the couch. A couple of hours later (when he was REALLY tired) he wanted to get back into the chair and into the bed... well... getting into the chair was IMPOSSIBLE. In getting back into the chair... we had to remove the J2 cushion and he ripped off the back rest trying to transfer... He screamed, cussed and was generally in a really bad mood. We finally got him into the bed and I laid awake that night and wondered if I would have the strength to stay... but I'm still here.

    I told him the way it was... and he got into the groove and has been there ever since... Chopperchick... it will get better... we have a rule in our house.. no feeling sorry for himself except for a maximum of 15 minutes a day... during that 15 minutes... he can cuss, scream, throw a tantrum but after the 15 minutes... it's over until the next day... he hasn't had a 15 minute episode for months now... but the anniversary of his injury is coming on May 28th so we shall see!

    Hang in there... Don does not come to Care Cure either so I am here instead.

    Sieg

  9. #9
    I was an asshole when I got home as well. It sucks when you get to your home and see everything you used to be able to do that you can't do anymore. It also somehow reminds you(or just me, I could be wrong) how you are now paralyzed. It sucks. I was also VERY mean to my g/f in the hospital and when I got home, it's gotten better since then. Be paitent, remember, you have NO IDEA what he's going through. And whatever you do, don't tell him if you guys are fighting, "Do you know what I'm going through?!" I went NUTS when my g/f said that.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by ChopperChick
    Mike is home..... Spent the day yesterday nice to everyone and shitty to me because we had a hard time getting out of the car, into the house, or I had a hard time putting the stupid leg rests on the chair etc. The whole day wasn't bad. Then, A L L N I G H T long he wakes up about every fifteen minutes cussing and and saying he can't live like this etc. Oh ya, and did I mention I did his cath all night. It isn't all bad you guys, we had a lot of good moments yeserday. He watched me and the kids swim and his friends visitied etc.

    So, when do I finally tell him to suck it up and shut up and do your own cath etc. He is still very sore and won't take meds, so I am empathizing big time. Anyway, do I cut him off cold turkey or ween him for a few days. I know they say the first days are the hardest.
    Hi Chopper. It sounds as if Mike has a major depressive disorder, compounded by pain. The medication issue is key I think. I do not like to take medication myself, and many people avoid taking medication they don´t need. People are afraid of side effects and addiction.
    Here´s something to think about: what are the side effects of NOT TAKING the medication? I´ll list a few for you.
    1) Unable to sleep
    2) Desperate
    3) Hopeless and helpless.
    4) Unable to perform self care
    5) In Pain
    6) Alienating his loved ones

    It seems to me that a visit to a PCP he trusts is in order. It´s still his decision to take meds or not, but he needs to be fully informed that nowadays antidepressant medications are better and have fewer side effects than before. He also needs to know that he will most likely not get addicted to pain meds, and his and your quality of life would improve substantially with an adequate regimen of pain control. say, for example, a fentanyl patch, which has been a godsend for many.
    I don´t see things improving soon unless he gets these two medical problems treated. Keep in mind that, in the depressed state, he might feel absolutely no motivation to learn to do things himself.

    Once his depression and pain are under control, then is the time to start gently demanding that he start becoming more independent.

    Just my two cents, as someone who became seriously clinically depressed AND had a ton of pain after my accident.

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