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Thread: burned out and fustrated

  1. #11
    Hi,
    I,m so glad you both agree to go to a counselor, they really help.
    My husband and I go it helps us to understand the anger and fustration we are dealing with. I am the caregiver and work a full time job, plus take care of my parents- but I am always there for my husband but it really is hard for me to understand the pain he is in. So I keep looking for answers from doctors but to no avail can they help.
    So counseling is really helping us- so please go and try to work it out.
    I know it is hard for you after all that went on but maybe you can forgive and work things out if you really want her-

    Good luck

  2. #12
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    Hmmm, the vortex will kill him? And the article you quoted is completely unrelated to a spouse caring for an SCInjured spouse. Perhaps a re-reading of the article and what it is *actually* about would do you some good.

    To the original poster, I am so glad you all were able to talk and that you will be getting some counseling. I am so glad. Talking is hard but so worth it in the end.

    Ami


    Quote Originally Posted by PeteShick
    She'll be fine without you. Go your own way. Do it properly but get away from her. The vortex will kill you.

    Those Who Care for a Seriously Ill Spouse Are At Increased Risk of Death – Study
    Date Published: Thursday, February 16th, 2006
    A new study published in The New England Journal of Medicine finds that seniors who care for seriously ill spouses significantly raise their own risk of death.

    There has never been any dispute that the death of a spouse can hasten the death of the surviving husband or wife. Whether by study or simple observation of individual cases, the “broken heart” factor is often identified as a distinct precipitating factor in the death of a spouse who has been left behind.

    After studying extensive data on over 500,000 couples over the age of 65, a research team led by Dr. Nicholas Christakis, a professor of health care policy at Harvard Medical School, found that this same risk extends to those caring for a seriously ill spouse.

    In fact, when the illness invovolved is especially debilitating, as in the case of dementia, the toll exacted on the caregiver is even greater than in situations where the spouse dies.

    At a press conference, Dr. Christakis stated: “We showed you can die of a broken heart not just when your partner dies, but when your partner falls ill. We showed it is not just death that can give you a broken heart, but illness — even when the spouses don’t die.”

    Statistically, the couples analyzed ranged in age from 65 to 98 with the average man being 75 and the average woman being 73.

    According to the study, a spouse’s death increased a man’s risk of death by 21% and a woman’s risk of death by 17%. When all situations were considered, illness was only one-fifth as “deadly” to caretakers as when a spouse died. In some situations, however, the risk in the case of spousal illness was at least as great as when thespouse died.

    Thus, the psychiatric illness of a spouse was found to increase the risk of death by 19% for men and by 32% for women. A spouse’s dementia raised the risk of death by 28% for women and by 22% for men. Heart failure, hip fracture or other serious fracture, and chronic lung disease also take a heavy toll on caretakers. Oddly, cancer of a spouse did not increase the risk of caretaker’s death.

    Christakis observed that it is the “disablement and not the lethality of a spouse’s illness that can be harmful to you and contribute to your risk of dying.”

    Poverty also exacerbates the pain of a sick or dying partner. “If you are living at the margin, economically or in terms of age or being sicker, you are more vulnerable to your spouse being sick. If I am richer or younger, it is not as big a shock.”

    Seniors living in poverty have limited access to health care and often suffer from more of the things that have a negative impact on health, such as obesity-related problems like high blood pressure, diabetes, and small strokes.

    According to Christakis, there are two danger periods during a spouse’s illness that combine to increase the risk of a caregiver’s death. At first, elevated stress levels can lead increases in harmful behaviors (drinking or unhealthy diet for example) as well as an increased risk from heart attack, suicide, and accidents. There is an increase in infections.”

    When the initial impact of added stress diminishes, a new set of health risks can occur as support from family and peers begins to wane. Once that happens loneliness sets in.

    The researchers hope their findings will prompt health care providers and insurers to pay more attention to caregivers. Such an approach would also save money in the long run by heading off problems before they take their toll on the health of the caretakers.

    Christakis also pointed out that the teams work “shed light on particular vulnerabilities to elderly people, and shows there are time windows to target interventions. Seeing people as interconnected might change the way we see the costs of health care. Taking care of both spouses while one is dying increases the health benefits for the surviving partner.”

    In a broader context, Christakis observed that: “Because people are interconnected, we think this phenomenon we studied in elderly married couples applies more generally. We are looking at broader connections — between parent and child, brother and sister, neighbors, and friends.” (Sources: New England Journal of Medicine, 2/16/06; WebMD Medical News 2/15/06)
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  3. #13
    Ami, Although your assumption that I have inferior comprehension abilities seems uncalled for , I respectfully disagree . I apologize for not clarifying initially but I DO understand the article AND it's implications. It is NOT completely unrelated in my opinion. SCI is a disablement so with this fact in mind I present the following points from the study, remembering that carcollector is "burned out":

    Christakis observed that it is the “disablement and not the lethality of a spouse’s illness that can be harmful to you and contribute to your risk of dying.”
    (and)
    In a broader context, Christakis observed that: “Because people are interconnected, we think this phenomenon we studied in elderly married couples applies more generally. We are looking at broader connections — between parent and child, brother and sister, neighbors, and friends.” (Sources: New England Journal of Medicine, 2/16/06; WebMD Medical News 2/15/06)

    Key words are can be harmful.
    Perhaps not harmful to you in your marriage but carcollector is burned out. Talking and communication are indeed essential, hence I said, "... Do it properly...". but remember their history. Carcollector as the nice man he obviously is has done what he thought was the right thing to do but look where it's got him. Again, remember their history. They have a seriously flawed foundation undermining their relationship.

    Peace.
    Last edited by PeteShick; 05-09-2006 at 11:18 PM.

  4. #14
    I hope your not getting manipulated. The taking good care of her part has me suspicious...

  5. #15
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    Pete,

    You are right, I apologize. I am well known for having knee jerks responses to what I perceive as anyone assuming being an SCI spouse is a terrible doomed (or "inspirational") thing, and since the article was primarily about older spouses caring for older spouses, I got ticked off. I should have taken a deeper breath before I posted.

    Anyway, it does seem that they are on the way to resolution, one way or another.

    And ummmm, welcome to CareCure. *bonk* with the virtual frying pan over the head to me ....

    Ami

    Quote Originally Posted by PeteShick
    Ami, Although your assumption that I have inferior comprehension abilities seems uncalled for , I respectfully disagree . I apologize for not clarifying initially but I DO understand the article AND it's implications. It is NOT completely unrelated in my opinion. SCI is a disablement so with this fact in mind I present the following points from the study, remembering that carcollector is "burned out":

    Christakis observed that it is the “disablement and not the lethality of a spouse’s illness that can be harmful to you and contribute to your risk of dying.”
    (and)
    In a broader context, Christakis observed that: “Because people are interconnected, we think this phenomenon we studied in elderly married couples applies more generally. We are looking at broader connections — between parent and child, brother and sister, neighbors, and friends.” (Sources: New England Journal of Medicine, 2/16/06; WebMD Medical News 2/15/06)

    Key words are can be harmful.
    Perhaps not harmful to you in your marriage but carcollector is burned out. Talking and communication are indeed essential, hence I said, "... Do it properly...". but remember their history. Carcollector as the nice man he obviously is has done what he thought was the right thing to do but look where it's got him. Again, remember their history. They have a seriously flawed foundation undermining their relationship.

    Peace.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  6. #16
    WOW what a trip. You guys got technical. Anyway I hope yall can work things out.
    Mary
    I want to Rock you Gypsy soul and together we will flow into the Mystic.
    Van Morrison

  7. #17
    the portion of the article that immediately caught my attention was...

    Quote Originally Posted by PeteSchick
    A new study published in The New England Journal of Medicine finds that seniors who care for seriously ill spouses significantly raise their own risk of death.
    this set the tone for me... seniors.. i can't help but to think that carcollector being 32 would make the article a non-issue..

    anyhoo, i applaud you for taking her back knowing the circumstances.. this says alot about you as a person. i agree with other posters that i wouldn't judge if you left, but the counselling route should be given a try.. good luck and remember that you have to find the road to happiness..





    Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches. It's more like a jar of jalapenos--What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

    If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby. Carlos Mencia

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