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Thread: just needing to vent..

  1. #1

    just needing to vent..

    I feel like I could go outside and scream at the top of my lungs!! My SO and I have been really having a tough time of it lately. We fight over everything. It is hard because we are together 24/7. I am his Primary caregiver. We have PCA's that come in the morning to get him up for the day and dressed, but we work from home and I do his night cares.

    We have been fighting all day today. well and yesterday too. Without boring you with the details he now is simply stating that I can't handle! doing his cares. No matter what happens between us it always comes down to him thinking I can't handle doing his cares. I feel like he refuses to listen to what I have to say, he is always telling me how I feel and what I think.

    I try to be understanding, he is on alot of meds, and I know that meds can interfere with the way the mind works but so what extent, I dont' feel like it should be used as a crutch either.

    It is just so hard sometimes!! and here I am complaining about it.

    thankyou everyone for listening. I know that so many of you out there are dealing with so much more than me, I feel kind of guilty venting at all.

  2. #2
    If someone having it harder means you can't vent, then only one person would be allowed, so have at it. What do you do for yourself to spoil you? Hot bath, wine, smoke, collect fabric....what really makes you sigh? Are you doing it at least weekly? I'm rollin's sole caregiver, have been for about three years, and we don't have the problems most couples seem to, but I spoil me too.
    Maybe make a list of his cares with him, decide between the two of you which he thinks you shouldn't be doing, and make it work. If it means moving some stuff to mornings, or having his paid caregivers coming in in the evenings, so be it. It's not nearly as expensive as a divorce.
    One thing I did was cancel our newspaper subscription. Now I have to get out every day and walk a couple blocks to buy one. It's a three minute jaunt each way, but it forces me out into fresh air.
    If you need to scream, take a towel, go outside, and scream into it until you're hoarse. Rollin and I break glass. We wear safety glasses (funny but true), long sleeves and pants, get the cheap stuff at the dollar store, and toss, chuck, lob, heave and shatter glass. We did plates once, but there's something shocking about glass breaking on purpose that soothes a furious soul. (Hey, I never claimed to be normal....)
    If none of the above helps, maybe knowing people here will read your words and understand your pain will help.
    PS Meds or no, don't let him get away with stuff because he's a pore lil crippled boy- he's not. He's a man with a lot to handle and a woman who loves him. Be well.

  3. #3
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    I think I'm going to make a standing rule here at Caregiving .. that apologizing for venting is simply not acceptable nor is it necessary . This forum exists for that very reason ... it is a safe haven for exactly this purpose .. in addition to the support and info available to cope with the cards we've all been dealt no matter what level or stage of care we are at !!! It is the "Sanctuary" ....

    .. there now.. with that being said ... Faithinme I can relate to some of what you are going through. Although Bill is a T5 injury he is taking some heavy meds to control his physical pain which apparently is masking alot of his emotional pain ... at least that's my theory . It makes dealing with the day to day issues of raising a family, running the household, contributing to the community etc. all on me in general and what I'm feeling happening is resentment building. I'm feeling especially bad about this because I was able to escape for 5 days this winter to visit my folks in Arizona but somehow that getaway seems to have made facing the day to day stuff worse .. having to come back to a situation so out of my control .. everything pretty much as I left .. I believe most of you understand ! The things I do to hang on involve prayer and meditation, music, St.John's Wort, yoga, talking to my kids (we have 4, 2 out , 1 almost out and 1 in grade 6) . I try not to burden them but I am finding as they mature they are becoming a true emotional support to me in a way no one else can because they have a real "knowing" of what I am dealing with !

    I hate feeling like a suck ... when I find all this getting away on me I try to step out of myself and implement one of my coping strategies .... and I come here to vent ... just as you did ! Walkin' and Rollin' speaks the truth ... (I especially recommend the wine treatment but not too much or too often that can get nasty I know) . Sometimes I go back and read past discussions .. there is such a comfort in knowing we're not alone .... hold on ... stay strong ...

    .. okay I'm passing the pipe now ... or do you prefer Icecream ...

    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi

    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  4. #4
    My husband is a c5 quad and we too spend 24/7 together. I agree completely on whatever the fight might be about, he always says it's because I'm his caregiver. He never hears the real problem. Now I just ignore it when he says it because it's him venting about how guilty he feels. If I complain about cleaning, he feels guilty that I'm tired from caring for him and on top of that he can't help me clean. I can't imagine his position so I let him vent. Family and friends have no idea what it's like either. They can't even go there.
    So all I can say is, know that we are here for you and we do understand!
    Walkin, I love the breaking glass idea! I'll have to try it, but then I'll have to complain about cleaning it up!

  5. #5
    You did not mention what your husband's level is and how long post. I can tell you from my experience (16 years married, three kids, 2 1/2 years post, T6 complete), that I have the same personality and character that I had before my accident. AND SO DOES MY WIFE. Boy does she ride me whenever she thinks I am out of line, just as it was before. If you do not, then you should analyze whether you are holding back out of pity (I may be wrong in assuming you are holding back), and of so that would be real bad. I believe that deep down, personalities do not change with SCI, sooner or later they come back out. My advise would be to be your own person and allow him to be his own, too. It is hard to find balance after such a life changing experience, but a lot of people find it. I hope you do too.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Denver, Colorado
    Hi Faithinme...

    Yep I can understand... my hubby is T12 complete.... stubborn (paramoto is right... personalities do not change)... injured just in May 2005. I will never apologize for venting.... right now he has a UTI and an infected ingrown toenail that he refuses to get treatment for.... Part of my learning to cope is to let go... he is an adult.... able to decide what he wants and I am leaving it up to him... if the toe has to go then so be it.
    Thanks for posting.... let us know what level of injury your husband has and how long he has been this way.
    Lots o love to you!


  7. #7
    Thankyou!! everyone for your wonderful support!! I am so blessed that I have found this forum and all of you!!

    My SO is c-4,5 and 6 incomplete. He was injured 20 years ago in a MVA. I met him after his accident. I fell madly inlove with him!! He has been my salvation is so many ways and I would do anything for him. He is my best friend. I have never been able to say that about anyone before.

    I knew exactly what I was getting into when I got involved with him. I had been a PCA for 13 years, mostly with paralyzed people. My ex was also paralyzed. We have had our adjustments and have done pretty well. There are just some things we are struggling with. I am his primary caretaker and in reading these forums I agree that I do not do enough for myself and that is going to change right now! I also realize that I do need to just let him vent when he gets in these moods and not take it so personal. I know that I am handling his cares fairly well and I take pride in that fact. This is the life I have chosen and even though things are not always easy I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

    He does have alot of guilt about the fact that i do everything and he can't help me the way that he wants to. I guess he needs to let that out somehow and I need to let him vent. We need to find our balance and I know that we will.

    thank you all for your understanding and support!

  8. #8
    Faithinme, I know this is your complaint session but I need to add a vent that just happened to me. We're going out of town and I was showing my husband a new pair of pants I bought. I said they're really tight, thinking they are really sexy. His responce was, don't worry we'll go to the YMCA and work out! Now I have to laugh but is it just a guy thing? He did think they were sexy but is he secretly thinking I should tighten up a little? Now I will never wear those stupid tight pants. I hate working out and hate the pressure of society for us to be a size 2!

  9. #9
    Senior Member justadildo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    rocky mountain high
    .....jenn, that comment he made was'nt a guy thing, just a stupid ex woulda beat my ass, crippled or not

  10. #10
    Thanks, maybe I should beat my husbands ass!

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