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Thread: suicide

  1. #81
    Tim, Good to hear of you and your wife standing by each other, even if she makes some things seem as a "favor". I admire couples who make it through many obstacles and for so long. Congratulations. The rest of it sounds very tough to handle. I don't have children but have lost a few friends to OD. Can only give my condolences on the loss of your son.

    My outlook changes every hour of the day. Most times I'm sick of this shit, but it isn't that simple. Other times I want to be there by my gf for as long as possible. Curious as to where this planet ends up. But then, being sick of it, or giving up only makes life worse. There's no easy "fold" in this story. Also, on top of it, everything is harder and less satisfying. More work for less reward. To me it's not reduced to a "do or don't do" mentality. Our minds are complicated...just like life and death ideas.

    4 hours in the morning? Good god, man. I feel like my composure and sanity are tested most hours of the day. But I only spend around 45 mins/hour for BP and bathing. What tests me most is reality sinking in. My life is all from a chair now. Asia A; so no sexual sensation. May have a uti...pissed myself 3x today. Meds. Pain. Dr visits... "Is it still worth it?": not yet, it isn't.

  2. #82
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tim C. View Post
    Denied: very thoughtful


    Oddity: obvious it hasn’t impacted your life, that’s a good thing, you should be grateful.

    My question is basically, when you evaluate your life, your continuous struggle, the drain in resources needed to keep you going with so little you’re able to give back because your injury/ pain is so severe your quality of life consists of the 4 hour process of getting you up, you sitting idle (just existing) in the chair for ten hours at c4 level, without caregiver to assist you in accomplishing goals, no family available or interested in helping you accomplish goals or contribute in any meaningful way, to have two meals put in front of you each day that you try your level best not to spill on yourself or keyboard, and then initiate the process to return to bed, sleep until pain awakens you, Lather-Rinse-Repeat
    Meanwhile you go thru caregivers like blu-chux, your wife of 30+years fills in to help in-between caregivers making it clear she’s doing you a "favor” and is otherwise sick of the whole past 15 years of sci intrusion to our lives, makes it clear your high level sci was the cause of family discord, including the death of son (aka) best friend in life due to OD, family savings depleted to the dreaded caregivers invading our home, and now your mere continued existence stands in the way of her wanting to sell your home to move and start anew in different state. You’re invited to go to the next home albeit the home you need and the home she wants are diametrically opposite. So you clearly don’t fit. That said, the network you took years to develop for your care is hanging in jeopardy if you move.
    So yeah, there’s a bit more to the “is it still worth it” discussion.
    Half the problem is your family .. and if I recall that's been an issue for all of these years. Can stay in a rut, or take that chance and start anew? Tough decision though and I can't even imagine rolling in your wheels.
    Make America Sane Again. lol

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  3. #83
    Quote Originally Posted by Tim C. View Post
    So yeah, there?s a bit more to the ?is it still worth it? discussion.
    Worth it is personal to you and only you can discuss it with yourself Personally I don't feel that my life is worth it, I exist for the majority of time, enjoy myself occasionally but am now a burden on my wife even though she would never tell me so. I'm an advocate for assisted suicide and will always comment on threads like this as we need to change attitudes and it is only by providing details of what it is like being a high quad and totally reliant upon others that we can build an understanding that SCI covers a vast spectrum of disability with different needs, mental states, life or lack of it.

  4. #84
    Senior Member alan's Avatar
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    I know I've said that I'd like to have a method available, but I also know that, due to religious reason, and how I was raised, I would never use it unless I was driven completely out of my mind by pains or whatever. As long as I maintain sanity, I'll continue to stay alive through the torture.
    Alan

    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

  5. #85
    Senior Member ChesBay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tim C. View Post
    Meanwhile you go thru caregivers like blu-chux, your wife of 30+years fills in to help in-between caregivers making it clear she?s doing you a "favor? and is otherwise sick of the whole past 15 years of sci intrusion to our lives, makes it clear your high level sci was the cause of family discord, including the death of son (aka) best friend in life due to OD
    Very sorry to hear of the loss of your son Tim. I cannot imagine the pain for both you and your wife.

  6. #86
    Yes, very sorry Tim.

    Just to add, I don't feel particularly suicidal until caregiver issues rear their ugly head, as they always do. Nothing quite brings your helplessness and dependence into sharper focus than that "oh sorry I can't make it to work" email.

  7. #87
    Without having a girlfriend who loves and backs me up through all of this I would be even closer to wishing it was over. I've never felt so lost or upset. She does well at giving me some hope and eliminating some of the loneliness. But it's still there. Didn't just lose my walking and everything else physical, but lost my confidence and so much of my personality as well. Peace and relaxation feel like a thing of the past. Also dealing with a pressure sore on my ass that adds so much agony to this process. Wound care clinics are very depressing. The healing is slow but it's happening.

    Life used to be so simple and enjoyable. Was never perfect, but in comparison, it was absolutely amazing. And now I have to accept that my physical ability is never coming back. Have to change everything. I wake up and feel immediately in shock when I realize how true it is. Cure seems so far off, and maybe far past my life, that I try to not even think of it. I give so much credit to those who have fought through this to find happiness and peace again. Truly seems impossible at this point. So I also don't really blame those who have given up or can't handle it. It isn't a small change by any means...it's an awful, immediate change. I'm trying, but simply feel like its not working.

  8. #88
    Senior Member Tim C.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denied2016 View Post
    Without having a girlfriend who loves and backs me up through all of this I would be even closer to wishing it was over. I've never felt so lost or upset. She does well at giving me some hope and eliminating some of the loneliness. But it's still there. Didn't just lose my walking and everything else physical, but lost my confidence and so much of my personality as well. Peace and relaxation feel like a thing of the past. Also dealing with a pressure sore on my ass that adds so much agony to this process. Wound care clinics are very depressing. The healing is slow but it's happening.

    Life used to be so simple and enjoyable. Was never perfect, but in comparison, it was absolutely amazing. And now I have to accept that my physical ability is never coming back. Have to change everything. I wake up and feel immediately in shock when I realize how true it is. Cure seems so far off, and maybe far past my life, that I try to not even think of it. I give so much credit to those who have fought through this to find happiness and peace again. Truly seems impossible at this point. So I also don't really blame those who have given up or can't handle it. It isn't a small change by any means...it's an awful, immediate change. I'm trying, but simply feel like its not working.
    Denied: in your closing sentence you seem to allude to sympathizing with thos who've "given up"
    Are you suggesting what I think your saying?
    I mean if you're able to list out reasons for continuing v. reasons not to, with the latter far outnumbering, then...maybe then you gotta take a critical eye to the whole kaboodle and say "what am I torturing myself?
    I am seriously deep into this "stage" now, literally by my next post I will have sorted this out. NO BULLSHIT: By then I'll actually present rational, real life arguments pro & con, the difference here is this will be real life, not just some guy venting, ranting, or seeking attention vis-a-vis suicide tendencies, or a wannabe. I promise to fully follow through and forever shut my mouth about it on CC, essentially one way or another: never hear me raise the subject again. Think about it I'll be either silent on the subject, or just plain silient period, Moderator, you'll be able to delete my member name (never quite clever like the ones I often see here anyway)
    Seriously, my future is looking so dim right now that a gentle nudge could set it in motion, to wit; losing my son and best friend that was ample reason alone to want to live for his sake, losing my wife that as next year will reach our 40th anniv of being together (since I was 17, married for 35yrs). Losing my daughter and 2 & 4 year old grandchildren (that they know I deeply cherish every second with) as she's already out of state and I fear she'll allow my ex to demonize me, I can't afford caregiving or home overhead, van is near scrapyard level, no one to drive me anyway, etc etc...Yeah, I'm teetering on the edge here folks. Cool on-line reality show possibilities.
    Hey, how about a Poll? Morbid yes, but would CC allow it if I keep it on the down low.
    I'll be honest, forthright and truly swear on stack of bibles, I'll "shit or forever get off the pot".
    If I get to poll I just hope those responding to my Poll are as equally honest.
    A true thumbs up, or thumbs down, sort of a cyber Roman Gladiator/ lion eating type event where I must accept decision of the crowd majority. AB
    PS : am I the only one who asks their incoming caregiver, friend, stranger, etc that if they got the penalty or decision of either being forced to live as I do, or not at all, not one ever responded with a resounding yes. Never got a pro-live choser.
    How cool will this be?? I'll get better ratings than the first Clinton v Trump, Ali v Frazier, 1st moon landing,
    Ok I'll do my homework , return in 24 hrs
    Meanwhile don't get me suspended. I need CC's cooperation. Voting is the American way!!!

  9. #89
    Senior Member Oddity's Avatar
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    Can I get in on this commiserating circle-jerk?

    President. Fucking. Trump.

    I can deal with SCI, but THIS is too much.

    Let's strap ourselves into our chairs, and take a long roll off a short pier.

    Who's with me?!?!
    A Buddhist monk walked up to the guy working behind a hot dog cart and said, "Make me one with everything."

    "Even what those with the greatest reputation for knowing it all claim to understand and defend are but opinions..." -Heraclitus

  10. #90
    Tim, I've given up many times since this injury. Giving up doesn't stop a damn thing tho. Waking up and it still seems like a bad dream. For a second. Then I realize I'm paralyzed, and grab a catheter. Then reality sets in. Sun keeps rising... and without succesfully whacking yourself, the game continues. Sometimes it feels worth laughing at, and I have, since it kind of works. But I'm also definitely venting, cry all the fucking time, impotent, sensories shot, dreams shattered, construction business upended. This new life eats me up and I truly sympathize with you and your thoughts.

    circle jerk of commiseration haha @ oddity. Glad you have a sense of humor. I'm sure it helps. Mine has basically gone missing. If it comes back, I'm guessing it comes with a shitload of humility. Cheers
    ps- if it helps your short pier suggestion, I voted third party...since California is always electorally blue. But I'll still gladly go side by side on your roll if necessary.
    Last edited by Denied2016; 11-09-2016 at 06:08 PM. Reason: Font size

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