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Thread: suicide

  1. #41
    Senior Member jb's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    i still get suicidal thoughts and i'm almost 5yrs post. in fact, they're worse now then before and i'm on medication and i see a therapist once a wk

  2. #42
    Senior Member Zeus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Sydney, Australia
    Quote Originally Posted by RehabRhino
    Mine get stronger every day. I pick myself up and find a sliver of a reason to keep going and then something crops up to knock my 'couldn't care any more' meter right back down. I'm luckier than many who post here in relation to pain, function and finance but from an immediate post injury situation where I felt quite positive because:

    I believed I would achieve independence
    I had a supportive wife and a life to get on with
    I had a good job I could return to

    15 months on.........

    Independence isn't here yet - need help dressing/transferring
    My marriage is over - looking at a move to live on my own which scares me to death
    Issues with work as a crip which stress me out and make me fear for my long-term future in current job

    Tell me to suck it up and stop moaning - it's what I tell myself - but if there was a button I could push which simply shut me down painlessly my useless fingers would be pawing it about now.

    I for one have greatly enjoyed your presence on CC and would certainly miss you! I don't know if I can relate to most of the posts in this thread because it seems most people who have a SCI as an infant grow up free of depression. We're lucky I guess.

    It certainly breaks my heart to know your marriage is over. A pending divorce is enough to depress most folk, let alone all the other shit you're going through.

    As for your work problems - been there, done that! I struggled for 4 long years to fit into a corporate law firm. ABs have no idea what it's like to meet deadlines etc. especially considering something as simple as writing can be impossible or difficult. I think the decision to leave was one of the most liberating decisions of my life - but that was the right thing for me. You'll find your way.

    I will say this. While I don't feel depressed and certainly have had no suicidal thoughts, I have known for a couple of years that should I be diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow a large part of me will simply feel relieved. Perhaps I will feel differently if I meet Mrs Right. Who knows?

    Some time ago there was a thread started by Lynnifer for those of us who are 20 years post SCI to tell our stories etc. Here was my entry:

    I'm not pretending to be a poster-child for quads who have their shit together. If I did I'd have a partner right now or, at the very least, a string of broken hearts in my wake. But I do hope you can take something away from my story.

    Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood! Larry in 'Closer', a play by Partick Marber

  3. #43
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Some times i too think for suicide because life with SCI is worst to death.

  4. #44
    Yiannit. That's it somedays.....something to look forward to. Simple as that. This week was bad - my wife went away for a few days, was working from home, had some issues with work relating to my disability and was depressed at seeing no-one but a PCA at 7am and again at 10pm.

    By Wednesday I was googling the tablets I had in the house to see what they would do to me if I chugged them all with a bottle of JD - make my stomach lining bleed like f*ck apparently.

    I realised it's actually pretty hard to commit suicide 100% effectively, even harder for a quad, and also realised I haven't got the stones for an effective push into a canal or under a train. I would still take that hypothetical, painless button I could push somedays but, today, I feel better. I've got a friend coming over to watch movies and drink beer and a few days off work to clear my head of deadlines.

    I know, deep down that I haven't started living a new life yet. It will come but it's a slower process than I expected.
    having your friend come over is the best thing or going out, i'm lucky now my friend just came homw from the army and he doesnt live far and we go out now so it keeps me occupied

  5. #45
    I am sorry that SCI is so hard that many of us have, if not planned for suicide, at least considered suicide as an option. Two reasons not to commit suicide are 1) the pain caused to our loved ones and 2) so long as things are crappy anyway, we may want to stay for the rest of the movie. While it might seem that paraplegics would cope better than quads, I find this not to be the case. After all, critical human functions, such as bladder, bowel, sex, and independence are compromised, to varying degrees, in both. It seems that, if one is going to have the genitals to cope with paraplegia, that person would cope with quadriplegia as well. I dunno. Pain is also a factor.
    Let me ask this: is it easier to cope if you had some responsibility in the event? If you were doing something you loved? In my case a moron ruined my life and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I could have done to prevent it.

  6. #46
    Senior Member Jadis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Salish Mtns, Montana
    Quote Originally Posted by leschinsky
    For me the first 3 years were the worst.
    I agree. I was pretty bad off, but my problems were pain driven. The injury didn't bother me as much as the pain did. I couldn't get away from it and that made me suicidal. I ended up on antidepressants along with my pain medications. Once I got to a point where I felt I could handle it, I quit taking the antidepressants. I still had days where the pain was excuciating and I would cry it was so bad. I often told my husband that it wasn't fair--animals are put down so they don't suffer, why can't I be put down?

    Depression was a big part of the years prior to my chair because I was stuck in the house. I am an outdoors person. My pain kept me from doing the things I enjoyed. While I could still walk, I tired easily and pushing myself to walk increased my pain. My chair was actually a blessing--it took me more than six months to realize it though. Learning a new way of doing things and how to navigate in the chair was a frustrating process.

    I chose to look at the positives. The chair has helped me get my life back and be active again. The first thing I did the day I got my chair was go for a "walk" in the park and fed the waterfowl that resides there. I also went fishing daily. It makes it possible for me to hold a job. I felt like a caged animal in my house, so I'm thankful I can get out and about once again.

  7. #47
    Senior Member Broknwing's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Central Florida
    OK, so I am possibly one of the only ones here that really hasn't had post SCI suicidal thoughts...HOWEVER, pre SCI I had them a LOT...I've always gone through waves of deep depressions, and I would hit those really really low times when I'd think it would be easier if I just wasn't here anymore. The big change in those thoughts happened when one of my good friends succeeded in hanging himself. It absolutely CRUSHED myself and everyone we worked with, along with his family and all his friends outside of work. Whereas Ray was not the first friend I had to commit suicide, his affected me psychologically SOOO much more. It made me realize HOW MUCH suicide really affects everyone around you. It forced me to force the thoughts out of my mind whenever they started to creep in.

    Now, not to say that I haven't gotten depressed post SCI, because I have....As a matter of fact, until within the past 5-6 months I was on anti-depressants. I tried several times to wean off of them prior to that point and every time I discovered that I still DID need them and went back on them. I was very glad when I finally got off of them a few months ago however. I don't know if I had not been medicated wether or not I'd have gotten low enough to have the suicidal thoughts but I really don't think so...

    Regarding Cripply's question of if you got injured doing something you love if it makes a difference....Yeah, I think it does....I was a Theatre Tech and I got hurt at work...In my situation I was doing something I loved, where I'd been in the industry for a number of years already, living the dream. Back at the college, with a bunch of kids who were just starting out. Of all people who COULD HAVE been injured, I am glad that it happened to me and not someone who hadn't gotten the opportunities that I had already had. My accident caused them to put in the safety systems that SHOULD HAVE been in place already so that no-one else in the futures should get injured.

    When I look at all these things combined, I think that they are all factors in why I haven't had suicidal thoughts post SCI...I do still occasionally get depressed, but as I said, I had those waves of depression pre-SCI so I don't know how much of it is caused by my injury and how much of it is caused by my own physiology...
    L-1 inc 11/24/03

    "My Give-a-Damn's Busted"......

  8. #48
    Quote Originally Posted by Broknwing
    The big change in those thoughts happened when one of my good friends succeeded in hanging himself. It absolutely CRUSHED myself and everyone we worked with, along with his family and all his friends outside of work. Whereas Ray was not the first friend I had to commit suicide, his affected me psychologically SOOO much more. It made me realize HOW MUCH suicide really affects everyone around you. It forced me to force the thoughts out of my mind whenever they started to creep in.
    Bingo, Chelle. The 21st will be a year that my friend hung himself, and it still is in my mind every single day. I never had anything affect me like that before, and it completely made me look at my friends differently and appreciate them so much more.
    If there is light
    it will find

    --Charles Bukowski

  9. #49
    I have been a quadriplegic over 35 years. I have worn my ass out and now face the possibility of spending most of my life in bed.
    Sometimes it's hard to find reasons to continue.
    I lost my soulmate of 25 years 18 months ago.
    My live-in caregiver is moving on in two weeks.
    I am lonely, tired, uninspired, and wondering
    how much more I can take.

  10. #50
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Windsor ON Canada

    I hate when people tell me this when I'm feeling bad but it's so true ...

    There's a reason you exist.

    This website is great in that we can all take comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our struggles.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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