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Thread: Why do you want kids?

  1. #51
    Senior Member stlyin moe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pianodave
    I'm really confused with all this wanting a kid stuff.

    First, I support any SCI person's decision to have a child. It is their prerogative, and I wish them the best.

    But my confusion stems over a simple question. Why would you want to have a child, especially after SCI? Doesn't make sense to me. So much was taken away from your ability to be independent (conceivably), and now you want to add a kid to take what little of your time and energy you have left?

    Kids take away your free time. They drain money, energy, and cause stress. Why would you want to add that to your life, ESPECIALLY now that you have been dealt such an awful situation? It seems counterintuitive, and self-destructive.

    I am a strong advocate of people finding fulfillment in their lives. I guess I can believe ABs when they say parenthood is the best thing to happen to them. But SCIs wanting to be parents? I would personally rather go out and live the best I can, instead of staying at home and raising a child.

    I'm sure that there's something I'm missing here. Maybe when I get older, I'll see that parenthood brings indescribable joy and fulfillment. But it's not the only thing out there. And I would think, as people who suffer through SCI, more of you would realize that there's a lot more to life than being a parent.

    I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post, but I would like some answers from SCI men/women who would like to be parents in the future. What do you find so appealing?

    Sincerely,

    Piano Dave

    No offense taken Dave. I am a parent. My son was 9 mos old when I broke myself in half in two places a little over 4 years ago.

    Prior to him being born I was "OK" with having a kid. I had no compelling drive to have a kid, but was "OK" with it. I had a couple nephews and nieces and really enjoyed them so I knew I was going to be fine with it.

    As soon as I buckled him into his car seat at the hospital and his little eyes stared at me while I was doing so I was overwhelmed. A switch was turned on at that moment and I knew I would shoot myself to donate my own heart if he needed one without hesitation. Almost every parent would do same if you asked them.

    Now after having been a parent for the last 4 years, the thought of having another is so exciting and so desireable there are no words to convey it. It's like trying to describe how an orgasm feels to someone that's never had one and why everyone all around them can't wait to have one.

    Kids don't take away from your life, they enhance it! The life you're living now is no life. You think you're in a relationship, but you're not. You think you have unconditional love, but you don't. You think you've got an incredible connection with someone, but there isn't. You think the cup in your life runneth over with freedom, love, carefree reckless abandon, "self" time and stress free, but it's all a mirage. Your cup has no bottom and as such it will never be full. Your cup will never fill with anything. You'll continue to dilude yourself that your life is fine as you pour more and more into that cup trying to fill it. Your music won't fill it. Your "relationship" won't fill it. Alcohol won't fill it. Drugs won't fill it. Nothing will fill it.

    Someday you're going to have to confront your demons, deal with them and free your ass so your mind can follow. Only then will you understand the answer to your question.

    I don't care what success you have in your life, it will NEVER eclipse the joy and rewards of having your own child. You're young and as time passes you'll mature and so will your perspective.....hopefully.

    I hope you aren't offended by any of this...lol (sincerely)
    "Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty." ~ Thomas Jefferson

  2. #52
    Junior Member nena_1178's Avatar
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    WOW!!!!! He definitely sumed it up. PERFECTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! mother of two beautiful boys and a devoted wife to a para T12-L1, still wanting and soon having more.

  3. #53
    Wonder how kids will change your life? Imagine waking up and hearing these words throughout the day. I am enjoying it while it lasts!

    http://www.s88193409.onlinehome.us/binaries/heybabe.mp3
    (a 13 second pieced together MP3)

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by stlyin moe
    No offense taken Dave. I am a parent. My son was 9 mos old when I broke myself in half in two places a little over 4 years ago.

    Prior to him being born I was "OK" with having a kid. I had no compelling drive to have a kid, but was "OK" with it. I had a couple nephews and nieces and really enjoyed them so I knew I was going to be fine with it.

    As soon as I buckled him into his car seat at the hospital and his little eyes stared at me while I was doing so I was overwhelmed. A switch was turned on at that moment and I knew I would shoot myself to donate my own heart if he needed one without hesitation. Almost every parent would do same if you asked them.

    Now after having been a parent for the last 4 years, the thought of having another is so exciting and so desireable there are no words to convey it. It's like trying to describe how an orgasm feels to someone that's never had one and why everyone all around them can't wait to have one.

    Kids don't take away from your life, they enhance it! The life you're living now is no life. You think you're in a relationship, but you're not. You think you have unconditional love, but you don't. You think you've got an incredible connection with someone, but there isn't. You think the cup in your life runneth over with freedom, love, carefree reckless abandon, "self" time and stress free, but it's all a mirage. Your cup has no bottom and as such it will never be full. Your cup will never fill with anything. You'll continue to dilude yourself that your life is fine as you pour more and more into that cup trying to fill it. Your music won't fill it. Your "relationship" won't fill it. Alcohol won't fill it. Drugs won't fill it. Nothing will fill it.

    Someday you're going to have to confront your demons, deal with them and free your ass so your mind can follow. Only then will you understand the answer to your question.

    I don't care what success you have in your life, it will NEVER eclipse the joy and rewards of having your own child. You're young and as time passes you'll mature and so will your perspective.....hopefully.


    I hope you aren't offended by any of this...lol (sincerely)


    Interesting....I'm sure it's not intentional, but you're sort of coming across like an ass. Sorry.

    Telling me I have demons, telling me I'll never know true joy, unless I go around with a turkey baster full of sperm impregnating happy childless women...

    One of the reasons why I don't want kids is precisely because of that kind of pressure. SE

    The assertion that the life I'm living now is no life really makes me angry. How can you say that? You can say I'm missing out, sure. Lots of people do, and perhaps they are right. But to say to a fellow SCI (who's been through his own little hell) that my lifestyle is completely empty...

    That makes me cry.

    I may be delusional, but I seriously don't appreciate your condemnation on the way I choose to live my life.

  5. #55
    Senior Member stlyin moe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pianodave
    Interesting....I'm sure it's not intentional, but you're sort of coming across like an ass. Sorry.

    Telling me I have demons, telling me I'll never know true joy, unless I go around with a turkey baster full of sperm impregnating happy childless women...

    One of the reasons why I don't want kids is precisely because of that kind of pressure. SE

    The assertion that the life I'm living now is no life really makes me angry. How can you say that? You can say I'm missing out, sure. Lots of people do, and perhaps they are right. But to say to a fellow SCI (who's been through his own little hell) that my lifestyle is completely empty...

    That makes me cry.

    I may be delusional, but I seriously don't appreciate your condemnation on the way I choose to live my life.

    You're right that was presented poorly. Please accept my apologies. Having said that, I do believe you have demons. I do believe you will never know true joy until you have a child of your own. Knowing your relationship and your thoughts about it are what have brought me to this determination.

    If you're angry about the life you're living now, that's a good start. Take a long look at it and make changes to improve it.

    I say these things as a friend Dave. I wish for you the most wonderous joy a human will ever know. I'm not a bible thumper and I'm not preaching that you need to find Jesus and be saved or any thing of the sort. This is something much more tangible and for me, much more rewarding.

    Dave take 3 hours to talk to a shrink and get their thoughts about your relationship if you think the feedback you've received here is invalid. I'm worried about you. It makes me extremely sad to read your thoughts about your relationship.

    Use your anger to seek out a professional's opinion and really think long and hard about what they have to say...

    And for Pete's sake get someone pregnant!...lol
    "Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty." ~ Thomas Jefferson

  6. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by stlyin moe
    You're right that was presented poorly. Please accept my apologies. Having said that, I do believe you have demons. I do believe you will never know true joy until you have a child of your own. Knowing your relationship and your thoughts about it are what have brought me to this determination.

    If you're angry about the life you're living now, that's a good start. Take a long look at it and make changes to improve it.

    I say these things as a friend Dave. I wish for you the most wonderous joy a human will ever know. I'm not a bible thumper and I'm not preaching that you need to find Jesus and be saved or any thing of the sort. This is something much more tangible and for me, much more rewarding.

    Dave take 3 hours to talk to a shrink and get their thoughts about your relationship if you think the feedback you've received here is invalid. I'm worried about you. It makes me extremely sad to read your thoughts about your relationship.

    Use your anger to seek out a professional's opinion and really think long and hard about what they have to say...

    And for Pete's sake get someone pregnant!...lol


    Anger? I'm not angry. I still take issue with your idea that I have these "demons," but I am certainly not mad at you. From your above comments, I see you for what you truly are...a nice guy who's trying to help.

    Thank you for stating your views more concisely--I knew you weren't an asshole!

    Seriously, though, demons?

    I am very happy with my life...I don't recall having given any indication that I was upset. If you care to look for some hint as to this "unhappiness," post anything I've said, and we'll see where you get this idea.

    Note that I am not trying to cover up my true feelings. My true feelings are that my relationship works and that everything is going wonderfully.

    Moe, perhaps you are right about the kid thing. Maybe I'm just too young. But I've done most of my maturing through this SCI, and my overriding mindset after nearly losing my life is more "carpe diem" than anything. And to get this fulfillment you suggest through children--well, that would require more time and energy than I'm willing to give.


    I hope we're still friends.

  7. #57
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    Some people just don't desire to have kids. I don't think it makes life more or less meaningful. For me I couldn't live without my daughter. She gives me life. But on the other hand, I don't want anymore children because I don't feel physically able to do so and because I am just plain getting old. If you want children, by all means have children. But have children for the right reason.....that being because you desire to have them. If you are happy and your spouse is happy then PianoDave Do what makes you happy. Life can be meaningful and complete with or without children. We can tell you all day long how wonderful it feels to be a parent and what children bring to our lives but if the desire to be a parent is not in your heart, your child is going to be missing out.......It really is an individual choice that no one can make but you. Don't let SCI scare you into thinking you can't be a good parent. There are alot of able bodied bad parents around.
    T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

    My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

  8. #58
    Funnily I had never really thought about having kids until after I got injured, not sure if it would be fair to have them now, when I think about having kids I just think about all the stuff if I was a parent I wouldn't be able to do for them or with them that I would want to, my parents sucked so it kind of worries me that I'd be a bad parent too..
    Saying that my best friends children who are 3 and 5 are the only two people that really don't see the wheelchair and all the stuff I can't do and I can't imagine my life without them in it.

  9. #59
    Senior Member stlyin moe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pianodave
    Anger? I'm not angry. I still take issue with your idea that I have these "demons," but I am certainly not mad at you. From your above comments, I see you for what you truly are...a nice guy who's trying to help.

    Thank you for stating your views more concisely--I knew you weren't an asshole!

    Seriously, though, demons?

    I am very happy with my life...I don't recall having given any indication that I was upset. If you care to look for some hint as to this "unhappiness," post anything I've said, and we'll see where you get this idea.

    Note that I am not trying to cover up my true feelings. My true feelings are that my relationship works and that everything is going wonderfully.

    Moe, perhaps you are right about the kid thing. Maybe I'm just too young. But I've done most of my maturing through this SCI, and my overriding mindset after nearly losing my life is more "carpe diem" than anything. And to get this fulfillment you suggest through children--well, that would require more time and energy than I'm willing to give.


    I hope we're still friends.

    Of course!

    Like I said earlier having a kid is like trying to explain an orgasm to someone that's never had one. Imagine back to before you were sexually active and think about how "fulfilled" your life was in comparison.

    Sometimes a lack of time prevents me from a proper response and I put together a rough version of what I'm trying to express and it almost always comes off as an asshole remark. I'm trying to get someone's attention in a short amount of time but it never works to achieve the desired thought being provoked.

    I never "wanted" a kid. I never had a burning desire. It wound up happening and thank god it did. Dave you're a great guy. You've overcome more than any human should ever have to. Reward yourself with a kid, the sooner the better and don't let the chair convince you that you'd be a poor parent...
    "Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty." ~ Thomas Jefferson

  10. #60
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    Dave
    You are like every other intelligent young man i know (well maybe not all of them). You have a right to question whether having children is right for you. I dont think of my daughter as fulfillment or as a "reward" at all. Having her was something I chose to do and what was right for me. You are young and now is obviously not the right time to have a child for you. You may change your mind and you may not. As I said child rearing is not for everyone. I strongly disagree with stylin moes opinion to "reward yourself with a kid". Sooner is not always better either even more so if you are not sure. It worked for you Moe but not everyone may feel the same way. What if he takes your advice and is miserable.....what then?????? He cant walk away from the responsibility he has created. That is the very reason we have so many single parent households headed by mostly women. The other parent didnt take responsibility for their rewards.......

    Dave if you ever decide to have children when the time is right for both you and your partner.......you can do it in a chair just as well and probably better than an AB person........
    T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

    My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

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