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Thread: Happy crappy anniversary!

  1. #1
    Senior Member Myc0's Avatar
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    Thumbs down Happy crappy anniversary!

    Today is the 1 year anniversary of my SCI, and it's weird, I don't really know how to feel about it. To make it stranger and arouse more conflicting emotions, tomorrow is my birthday. At least this birthday will be better than last year, as I'm not in a coma, barely clinging to life. It's really strange, because I don't remember my accident at all. Apparently I was driving home one night after playing pool with my roomate and I lost control of my car(Honda, Prelude) and it went off the road at high speed and plummeted down a 40' embankment. My car collided with a tree on my driver side door, rolled UP the tree, breaking the tree(and it was a burly tree too, I'll post pix of it eventually) and then fell and landed upside down. So the story is I was caught in my car with a broken spine, and was rapidly bleeding to death, when by freak chance a firemen happened to see me and call in a rescue crew. They managed to get me out and rushed me to ICU, where I spent the next two months. Apparently things were kinda touch and go as I had fractured my neck at C6, and had completely burst the vertebrae at T6&7. I also had my head sliced open and an ominous brain injury. Apparently I got some scum in my lungs when my car crashed or during the procedure to stabilize me at the scene, which caused an infection that sent my heart racing and almost killed me too. They did a thoracotomy to clean out my lungs and screwed some titanium rods to what was left of my spine. It's like I'm living some strange nightmare as my memory of things is life as usual; then a couple of months later I wake up confused, disoriented, and paralyzed in a hospital. This was the ultimate rude awakening. I have people tell me all the time how lucky I was to have survived and that most of the people in ICU didn't think I'd make it, but sometimes I have to wonder... It seems like dying would have been the easy way to go, and saved me from going through a world of pain, heartache, humiliation and degradation. Some times it seems like God is a sick sadist who kept me around just to torment me and pile endless insult on my injury. I sincerely hope not, and I also hope all of this suffering pays off in some way in the end or that I find some kind of peace and happiness. I've been told that this first year is the hardest, and it better be because if things don't improve considerably then I'm calling it quits, and my only regret will be that I didn't do it sooner and save myself a shitload of pointless pain. Hopefully someday I'll feel lucky that I survived, but at this point in my life I just feel cheated.
    De Omnibus Dubitandum

  2. #2
    Senior Member McDuff's Avatar
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    Myc0 - anniveraries suck sooo bad. I am 2 1/2 out. Some people here seem to have an epiphany and "drive" right out the other side. Mine has been a slow painful, drag your ass thru the mud, kinda process. I spend/spent my days wondering the same as you, why the f*ck didn't I just die? I still have those days, they just seem to get a little further and further apart. Some days they just rack themselves right in a row and weigh me down reeeaalll bad. Other times, they are gone for quite awhile. They did/do diminish w/ time so far. The hardest part for me is when I seem to "plateau", is this the best I'm gonna be?, thinking in terms of dealing w/ the daily issues, not returns, that is all said and done.

    I still think of myself like Mel Gibson in the 1st Lethal Weapon, where he says(paraphrase); "I carry this bullet w/ me everyday, and so far, everyday I have found a reason not to use it". Be it, your family, your job, or just a zest for life, so far there has been a reason to make it thru each and every day.

    Plotted in a curve, the trend has been better, taken on any given day, it can and does, still suck very bad. Only you can know if it is good enough, but everyone here hopes you do.
    "a T10, who'd Rather be ridin'; than rollin'"

  3. #3
    Senior Member roshni's Avatar
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    Myco,

    I don't have eny words for you to take solace in. Simply, I am so sorry for EVERYTHING that you have been through. Blessings on this upcoming birthday - I hope you find everything you're looking for. Be well.

  4. #4
    Senior Member LaoziSailor's Avatar
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    Myco,

    I won't make my story too long.

    The city was being left behind and a friend offered me to stay at his farmhouse (closer to where I wanted to settle). Moved in the 1st of June 1994 and had the greatest days till the 1st day of summer. A tree was dead and leaning towards the farmhouse and my friend and I were going to cut it down. I was alone (nobody was supposed to come for the next 4/5 days) with my dog who still didn't know the lay of the land (i.e. neighbours). I decided to start the job by myself and fell off. Three hours later a fellow that repairs hydro (electricity) poles came by to make his sales pitch about repairing two of them.
    I had four ribs stuck in my left lung and would not have survived the night. I too still wonder whether to curse or bless him. I also still think Q is an amateur.
    In these 11+ years I have had my deal of bad and good things happen. I try to focus on the good things and the people I have been able to help out. You can do the same.
    As far as McDuff's reference to Mel Gibson, ...well let's just say you and I are intelligent and resourceful enough to manage in ways other than a bullet. But we can always do that tomorrow, ...if we want -- so let's wait till then.

    OK, so I lied, ...the story did become long
    Han Tacoma

    ~ Artificial Intelligence is better than none! ~

  5. #5
    I can relate. I have often wonderd why I didn't die also. I was ready... but 2 1/2 years later here I am. And I must say, I guess I'm glad I am.

  6. #6
    Senior Member KVP612's Avatar
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    When faced with a problem we have one of two options: Fight or Flight.

    We have all consciously or unconsciously made the decision to fight, otherwise we wouldn't be here writing to each other. I became a C6-incomplete 7 1/2 months ago. I had similar feelings when I woke up after a month in the ICU of being heavily sedated, aggravated by the fact that I had a huge trachea in my throat and was unable to speak for another month. Unable to move at all, unable to effectively communicate... I wanted to die. Luckily for me I didn't even have the ability to kill myself. I couldn't raise my arms off of the bed. No one around me could possibly understand what I was going through. Then I was transferred from Boston to the Shepherd Center in Atlanta. I was there for 4 months, it was there that I finally met people who did understand. Meeting quads and paras who were independent, livng on their own, dating, driving, and getting on with their lives in general. That is when I decided I would put death off for awhile.
    I figured if these people could do it so could I.

    after awhile it wasn't enough to know other people could do it I needed something more substantial. I looked at the things I love in life and asked if they were worth living for, my family, driving, being outside. I can't do all of the things I love in the same capacity, but I can still attempt them, or enjoy them in some other way. Find a reason to fight for the things you love.

    No one said life was going to be easy. Most people have things easy, I did before my accident, I didn't know it then, but I did. Often times when I am trying to do something ridiculously simple (for an AB) and I fail I curse myself and my SCI, but it doesn't mean I won't try again, and again, and again. How much more do you savor something that you have had to work your ass off for, compared to something that has just been given?

    I don't think God is a sick sadist who kept you around just to torment you and pile endless insult on your injury. Rather I think God is pushing you to your limits to show you how strong and resilient you can be.

    Myc0 do you remember the scene from Fight Club, where the owner of the bar comes into the basement and beats the crap out of Tyler/Brad Pitt? Tyler gets beat to the ground over and over. He also refuses to stay down, and he gets up over and over. Well think of it this way, life is beating the crap out of you over and over, but you have to keep getting up, until you can grab life by the shirt, shake it up and demand that it gives you what you want...

    I'm sorry if I've been long winded, but I wrote this as much for you as I did myself, to remind myself to get back up every day.
    Last edited by KVP612; 01-29-2006 at 11:28 PM.
    "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."
    Winston Churchill

  7. #7
    My sympathies, dude. I've often wondered why I didn't die as well. I would have never known it and it would have spared me a lot of increased sorrow in my life.


  8. #8
    MyCo, I agree with the sentiments others have given. I believe that there are points when we wish things had been so very different. I wished that I had died many times after the accident and it was not related to my SCI health problems. Later on, I found out how wrong I had been to wish and even attempt to take my life. Life, I believe, is hard whether SCI or not. This is something I learned on later in life. I have seen and lived with so much pain in my life that I realize none of us are pain/sorrow free. The reasons for things happening to us are many times unknown. I have not blamed God for them. Many times have thought that life is so hard so it will become easier to leave when we do. I, personally, don't feel that I will fight at the end. For the time being I do because I don't believe is still that near for me yet. So I fight every inch of the way. I am glad that I am still alive and that have been blessed with these many years even though SCI'ed. The years I have lived have been lived full of many things, good and bad. The one thing I have also seen is that when the good things come my way, I relish them even more because it is like drinking something sweet after drinking something bitter. It tastes even sweeter. I consider myself very blessed because He has allowed me to live as most AB have. Allowed me to have my son, my granddaughter, daughter and so many other people I care for in my life. These things get sweeter tasting as the years go by and get me through the tough times and bad memories.

    From what I have seen in you, you are a very smart, loving, caring young man who has extended his friendship to me and I appreciate that very much. I have also seen a great strength that you probably don't see yourself yet. I recall my first years with SCI and I can assure you I didn't cope as you seem to have your first year. I am very proud of you and feel blessed to have known you too. True, the first anniversary can be very hard, but I believe that you will be here for more years and ready for the time when they find a cure to SCI. Just keep on fighting, don't put limitations on your dreams and hopes because you know you are capable of achieving them no matter what wants to get in your way. I know and have faith that you will survive and make me feel even prouder of having known you.

    Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And now on with the celebration of your birthday. Have a great and joyful day tomorrow. (((HUGS)))

    Raven

  9. #9
    Myc0,

    Sorry to hear about your accident. Yeah SCI really bites the big one. C'mon ... it's your birthday. I wish you the best, dude.

    Cheers,
    Dan
    Daniel

  10. #10
    Hey Myc0, I really do hope things start looking up for you.
    I just passed my three year mark Christmas day.
    I cannot imagine not being here...that's what would suck to me.
    Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know that, so it goes on flying anyways--Mary Kay Ash

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