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Thread: Forgiveness

  1. #11
    Senior Member queen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Garden on the Green, Indiana
    I guess I didn't get my point across very well. Sympathy for and forgiveness of are two totally different things. Forgiveness only frees
    you! Don't waste your sympathy on these people as they will most likely do it time and again.

    That individual will never know nor will she even give one iota that you have forgiven her stupidity. It just allows you to remain calm and move on. Dwelling on something never cures anything and dredging it up again and again is a waste of time.

    Otherwise, say the next time your driving and someone cuts you off, your anger rears it's ugly head again and takes you back to that "other time" (you hold so close under your emotional skin). You shout obscenities, put the "bird" out for viewing, your heart rate increases and your blood pressure goes up as your body reacts. Then you come to realize maybe that this driver veered into you because a child had run out into her path. (Just an example here).

    I like you McDuff held onto my anger of being wronged for over 10 years, only to find out a year ago that that individual I had hated for so long and so much had died 8 years ago. Maybe I'm just old, but that experience taught me to take better care of my emotional health as well as my physical side.

    Just an afterthought to claify my rationale! And, no, it doesn't make you a pussy or a wimp for being kind to oneself!
    Your life is what you make it, and only you have that choice!

  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by pianodave
    Thank you for all your replies.

    There's just some voice inside saying something like, "What a pussy, he's forgiving this woman who almost killed him. She doesn't deserve forgiveness, and by absolving her, he's setting a terrible precedent for himself. Now, when anyone wrongs him, there is no line that can't be crossed. Anyone who hurts him can expect forgiveness just like that, so why not hurt him again if it means that they can profit?"
    Not sure about your religious/philosophical beliefs or not, but Jesus certainly wouldn't think you were a pussy.

  3. #13
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    East Brunswick
    Thanks for your reply, queen. I think I understand now. I did confuse the two.

    I always considered myself a well adjusted individual, but I have come to realize that I neglect my emotional health to address others' perceptions of me.

    In effect, I would rather be justifiably angry than be perceived as a pushover.

    Do you remember that story about the woman hit in the face by a frozen turkey? She broke all the bones in her face, yet she forgave her attacker! And she was hailed as a really decent person for doing so.

    Maybe I should do the same? I'm just delusional if I think people are going to think I'm cowardly for freeing myself from all the hatred.

    Thanks, queen.

    Le Type Francais, I'm Jewish, but it's good to get support from the J-man.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Buck_Nasty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Antarctica, Antarctica
    Quote Originally Posted by pianodave
    Hello Everyone,

    The anniversary of my accident is coming up. I was hit by a drunk driver on the night of January 21st, 2005.

    I am wondering if I should forgive the woman who did this.

    For me, forgiveness means a lot--I don't forgive people easily, when they wrong me as terribly as she did. In my mind, it's a spiritual transformation, an acceptance of the person who hurt me. Would I be shortchanging myself or sending the wrong message, forgiving the person who almost killed me? As I look back on the year, I wonder if forgiving her is wise.

    Some things make me want to curse her and hate her forever--the pain, the difficulties every day getting out of bed and living my life.

    But other things make me want to hug her and tell her it will be okay--when I think of her sitting in jail, miserable. My life is going on, despite her, and will probably be better than ever before. Meanwhile, her life will always be plagued by the consequences of driving drunk and nearly killing somebody. I feel sorry for her.

    My mom, who I love very much, can't forgive this woman because of the pain it caused me.

    But me, I'm not sure.

    So, wise CareCure community, what do you think?

    I'm not asking you to make my decision for me. I'd just like to know how some of you who were injured by the actions of someone else ended up dealing with your feelings toward the person(s) who injured you.
    If it would make you feel better, then I would forgive her. She is still
    responsible for a horrible accident and deserves every ounce of guilt
    that she feels. If you ask me, guilt would be easier to live with than
    sci. Has she apologized to you? usually that comes first.

  5. #15
    Maybe it's not giving forgiveness that would make you feel better, but letting go of the anger.

    It has taken me a long time to say that I am not as angry as I was at my so-called ex-'friend' who deserted me after the wreck. She'll live with her own conscience and what happened. Being angry at her only made my life feel some heavy weight every time I thought about it. It wasn't worth it.
    If there is light
    it will find

    --Charles Bukowski

  6. #16
    Senior Member jukespin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Placerville, Calif., U.S.A.
    My own brother shot me when he was seventeen and I was a year older. He claimed it for an accident and everyone believed it was but a year later I discovered that it wasn't.

    I hated and blamed him for most of my life. Then, just a few years ago I came to some realizations about my brother, my family and myself and have forgiven him compleatly.

    I feel a great relief at having come to this point in my life and wish I had not wasted so many years of misplaced and misspent emotional energy; and and glad that I have finally lived long enough to free myself from the burden of unforgiveness.

    Each of us must judge for themselves, though.

  7. #17
    Dave, it is hard to actually say and feel that you are forgiving someone for doing something wrong to you. Not very easy but it can be done. As most of the previous posters have said here before, it is better to let go. I believe it is anger that we hang on to for a long time. That anger within us does eat us up. One thing I recall was the words that my niece told me once. She was very angry to see what the drunk driver had caused me and her wish was that he would have the same thing happen to him. Her words really made me stop and think. Would I honestly wish that all that pain, horror and every single feeling I went through, be experienced by him? Everything was still so fresh in my mind and I just couldn't for the life of me wish it on him. No, that experience was too horrible for me to wish it on anyone else, not even my worst enemy.

    Incredibly, I never felt anger for what happened, only shock at the result. I actually used to feel some fear at the thought of meeting up with him at any time. Why? Still don't know the answer to that. But one thing I do believe, however it happened it was not intentional. Can't believe that he purposely went out to leave me in this situation. One other thing I believe is that none of us are perfect, much less me, so why should I not forgive when many others have forgiven me for many things too? Also, not only are we human and commit errors/mistakes but when we are young we are more prone to do that.

    I think we need to put what happened behind us and forgive so we can continue on with that much less useless baggage in our lives . Life is hard in so many ways and we need to fight more battles that may lie ahead. We will need the strength to fight them and not waste energy in hating anyone. Also, I recall the words my son's teacher said one day .. "Don't hate because your heart won't have enough room left for love". Wise words I think.


  8. #18
    Seen on a billboard in front of a church, Independence, Kansas, 1982:


    It's been a good approach for me for lo, these many years.

  9. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by queen
    When you forgive someone who has wronged you, you are in essence freeing yourself of the anger and bitterness that even the thought of
    her name can evoke within you now. It will free you from the resentment and seething when those thoughts of her pass through your mind. This is
    a beneficial action that you do for yourself...not her! You will always remember what she did, but it will no longer be detrimental to your emotions or health. Holding onto that anger can only shorten your life!

    How true it is, Queen!

  10. #20
    This had been one of the hardest things for me to try to do and I havn't got there yet. Not my fault at all, like alot here. I was turned in front of by a little old lady "83" while on my motorcyle on the hi-way, at 6:00 am. Never a word of like I'm sorry, feels like your life has been stolen from you. I know I need to forgive, but it's not happend yet.

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