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Thread: SCI questions help please

  1. #1

    SCI questions help please

    Hi all,found this site this morning,and wanted to put a few questions to some other members, my partner of 5 years has in the past 8 months had an SCI t4 he came home 2 month,s ago, things between us to say the least have been strained, i feel clumsy and seem to get in the way i try not to fuss i just want to help, he was a very active guy sports type. I try to say the right thing but i don,t know what the right thing is! I guess its just a great big learning curve.I do love him and want to be there for him,sitting down or standing up he,s still the man i fell for.If its any help we are both in our 30,s and gay. Would be cool to chat or get some feed back from you guys.

  2. #2
    Paul.........sorry you had to find us but pleased that you are looking for answers. This site has been a massive help to me.

    To try and answer your question. At your partner's level of break he should eventually be able to do EVERYTHING without help. I broke my neck, my hands don't work so there are certain things I struggle with. My parents were the worst for getting in the way. They have now accepted that when I want help I will ask. Luckily my wife and I agree on things....she only helps if she thinks my efforts are going to end up with me on the floor or if my decibel levels get too high when swearing/berating God.

    Let him struggle but know that as soon as he asks for help it's there. Normality is achievable........get him out of the house, see the friends you saw before, go down the pub, shopping - don't let him fester.

    The sooner he feels he 'has a life' the sooner he'll get on with living it. Stop feeling sorry for him and wondering what to say........I can suck up pity all day and depress myself. If I crack on with something or go and do something I haven't done since the accident I come alive.

    No sugarcoating it mate...........some days are absolute shit....a bottle of red wine normally puts me right.

    Cheers
    C5/6 incomplete

    "I assume you all have guns and crack....."

  3. #3
    Hi Paul,
    This site is a fantastic source for all your questions or problems and of course for your friend too.
    I'm a T4 too, a gal not a guy, so although I can't know exactly how he feels right now, I can be sure that he must be feeling very frustrated, tired, perhaps angry, undoubtedly sad and confused about the body he suddenly finds himself with. In the beginning it is like you are living two parallel lives - one is the old you which is engrained inside your head and the other is the new physical you which is a total stranger, short, heavy, awkward, clumsy and messy. It does take quite a bit of time, and some alone time, to come to terms with it all. It is great that your feelings towards him haven't changed but his feelings towards himself have, so you just need to hang in and be prepared for a bit of ugliness. It's unvoidable for now. But things do get so much better. As a T4, and a fairly fit one it seems, he will have no problem regaining his strength, mobility and being totally independent. Getting out as much as possible is very important, doing exercise, just getting fresh air. Don't stay cooped up inside.
    Keep coming here, checking in to see how others manage, or air specific problems. There are quite a few regulars from the UK.
    Take Care.

    Just one more thought - make sure he gets a really good wheelchair, it makes such a difference.
    Last edited by carbar; 12-03-2005 at 06:51 AM.

  4. #4
    Senior Member keps's Avatar
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    Hi Paul,

    I'm a (female) T2, and as has been said, at T4 your partner should be able to do everything for himself.

    I know the temptation to help with everything is there, but try to resist.
    It really does not help when help is not really needed - in fact, it can make things worse, as it makes you feel more helpless.

    Like if someone tries (without my asking) to do something for me that I can do myself, I think they must think I am not capable of it, and it makes me feel bad.

    There's a lot of help and friendship you can get on this site, so do come back, and bring your man, too.

  5. #5
    Paul, welcome to CareCure. You will find many people here who are very knowledgeable about spinal cord injury. I am moving this to the forum "New SCI" where more people hopefully will see it and can comment. Wise.

    Quote Originally Posted by paul5151uk
    Hi all,found this site this morning,and wanted to put a few questions to some other members, my partner of 5 years has in the past 8 months had an SCI t4 he came home 2 month,s ago, things between us to say the least have been strained, i feel clumsy and seem to get in the way i try not to fuss i just want to help, he was a very active guy sports type. I try to say the right thing but i don,t know what the right thing is! I guess its just a great big learning curve.I do love him and want to be there for him,sitting down or standing up he,s still the man i fell for.If its any help we are both in our 30,s and gay. Would be cool to chat or get some feed back from you guys.

  6. #6
    Paul, even though you should not be a "caregiver", you will find many other family members and significant others who are on the Caregiver forums and can help you with this difficult time. The first year is a time of constant adjustments and stress...we can help. Also, get your partner on-line here too!

    (KLD)

  7. #7
    Hi Paul

    I am a C-5 Incomplete. I am fairly independent but rely on my wife for a number of things. When I get frustrated or am having a bad day I unfortunately take it out on her. I have since learned to be more understanding of her needs and not put mine first.

    Things will get better in time. Don't treat him any different, let him ask for your help when he needs it. Which in the beginning may be a lot until he adjusts to his new situation.

    It is important to continue with your social life, get out as often as possible. Family and friends are a very important part of recovery.
    Above all don't despair!

  8. #8
    Senior Member Jadis's Avatar
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    I agree with Riz.... my poor husband. I lash out at him from time to time and he doesn't deserve any of it. He's just there, and it happens. i am tryign to be better .There are days when the pain, depression, etc just kick my ass.

    With his injury there will be about adjustment period. That's when his injury "settles" and he sees what he can do. There's also an emotional roller coaster that goes along with it. I went through grief, anger, depression, you name it.... i went through it. I am a little more stable now, but there are some bad days.

    I try to do everything myself, but my husband feels he is failing if he doesn't do things for me. He said he doesn't want people to judge because he is watching me struggle as I try to do things myself. I used to be independent and active. I want to maintain my own independence as much as I can.

    For example, we went to the DME the other day. I was headed for the door and opened it myself. There is a threshold that's about an inch high that I have to go over. So, here I am on snow and ice, holding a door open and trying to hop the threshold. I did it by myself. What I didn't realize was my husband and the fedex guy were both trying to get in there to hold the door for me. I just wanted to do it myself. hubby just said "she's stubborn that way, has to do everything herself." I am. I get irritated if everyone tries to do things for me. If I need help, I ask for it. Don't push my chair for me, I can maneuver myself. If I get hungup in the snow, or my arms get really tired, I will ask for help.

    I feel for your partner because I know what he's going through. I also feel for you because I see what my husband goes through. He loves me very much and wishes he could just fix things, but he can't. I know that hurts his heart.

  9. #9

    Thanks guys

    Hi all, first time in ages i have smiled your a wacky bunch and all seem to understand this situation, if i have any questions i will ask,im going to take a deep breath and let Mike do more stuff on his own,its hard though when you want to help, he is looking into driving this week with hand controls so thats bound to be a boost, and a danger to all other drivers in liverpool! Will keep checking in.
    thanks Paul.

  10. #10
    Senior Member keps's Avatar
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    You're welcome, and good luck!



    And come back soon.

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