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Thread: chili cookoff (you texans should like this)

  1. #1
    Senior Member Jessecj7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004

    chili cookoff (you texans should like this)

    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
    true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
    comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
    Astrodome. These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank,
    who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:


    "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
    original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
    there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when
    the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
    the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
    free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from
    the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
    dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
    I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to Be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
    the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
    I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now...get me more
    Beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
    the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
    look HOT (just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.) Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks.

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
    and peppers.
    Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
    Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
    need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of chili
    peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
    # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it...I'm not getting any
    oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
    in my stomach.

    Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
    but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.
    Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge # 3 passed out, fell over
    and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
    make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

    ~If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you~

  2. #2
    Jesse, that's hilarious. I'd definitely be judge #3. Now, it's time to go slide that tatertot hotdish in the oven.

  3. #3
    Hey, Jess, fix your avatar.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Jessecj7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Originally posted by BobSaid's Wife:

    Hey, Jess, fix your avatar.
    my avatar works fine on my comp.....fix your comp

    ~If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you~

  5. #5
    Senior Member McDuff's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Dallas area, Tx
    Jesse, a Tx Chili Cookoff is not for the faint of heart(or digestive track). I have judged a few in my time, some will *light you up*. The smaller contests a lot of times have the hotter flavors, not sure why. Maybe mainstream's don't want to "run" off the citizens.

    Your avatar works for me.


    "Rather be ridin' than rollin'"

  6. #6
    Originally posted by BobSaid's Wife:

    Hey, Jess, fix your avatar.
    It's not working for me, either.

  7. #7
    Senior Member ResonantEcho's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Cash, TX, United States
    my avatar works fine on my comp.....fix your comp
    I don't see it either, Jess.

    -ResonantEcho - T6/T7 Complete

    Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    Visit me at Kev's Korner and sign my Guest Book.

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