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Thread: please help me...im so angry

  1. #11
    Senior Member McDuff's Avatar
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    Chris,
    Yep just be the same with him. This is a painful process both mentally and physically. And the worst part of it is that it is painfully ssslllloooowww. So F**king slow! I
    am only 15 months post(you will find we tend to date time pre/post injury) and I am just getting to the point of making my way back into society. Given, I am 48(T10 injury motorcycle wreck) so hopefully his young body will bounce back quicker. But he will also get irritated quicker as things don't happen fast enough. Let him rant when needed, but also give him a kick in the ass when needed. You will figure out when to do either. And yeah, there will be a lot of "silent" time for him as he wraps his head around this crap.
    Another unfortunate fact is, he will lose friends. Some will not come see him at all, and some will just fade away. But man, the ones that stay are there for good. Let them in and let them get him out and about when feasible. It is good for his soul.
    Sounds like he has good family(as do I luckily), that will help so very much.

    He is going to feel like his life is over. I am just now reaching the point where I know it is not. Part of your "job" now is to help him get to this point.

    Thanks for coming to this board, there is so much knowledge here to help.

    McD

    "Rather be ridin' than rollin'"

  2. #12
    Chris,

    Man, I was 18 when I got hurt (playing football), so I can totally relate to what you guys are going through. Marco said such an important thing - you, your brother, and your family are going to feel so many different things -- and they're all totally normal. Let everyone work through this grieving process so they can get used to the changes.

    It took me months to really feel human again. I was up one minute and down the next. Angry, sad, frustrated, hopeful . . . you name it. Yelled at a lot of people and then felt bad about it. Closed myself off to friends and family a lot of the time when I felt like I just couldn't deal. Stick with him. Be the same as always with him. He's still your best friend.

    And get him on this site. There's soo much good info and sooo many helpful people . . . along with a few crazies. If you or he have questions, there's always somebody on this board who has been there and can give good advice!

    Kev

    PS: feel free to contact me directly @ kevinpatrick79@yahoo.com anytime.

  3. #13
    Thanks, kev. Thank you all for the help. I'm trying really hard. I know its worse for him than it could ever be for me. I'll never know what he feels like. I'll send him the link and hopefully he'll discover this site. If he would ever get his face out of his books!

  4. #14
    Senior Member poonsuzanne's Avatar
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    Oh Chris, you are such a good boy, you made me cry again!!!

    Take my word, you have to pretend that you are not angry. Do you know why? It's because your parents and your brother count on your positive attitude and your support. I am sorry I know it's hard for you...

    If you look frustrated, this way not only your parents have to take care of their own and your brother's desperation, but they also have to take care of your feelings.

    Try to behave and look normal to him, chat about the same topics with him, play the same kind of video games with him, spend as much time as possible with him.

    The following was what I wrote a year ago under the Caregiving Forum:

    My son, Richard Poon, suffered a T12 complete spinal cord injury on 22.3.02 as a result of a ski jump (aged 16 3/4 at the time of injury). I remember the first person who was capable of easing part of my unforgettable pain was my daughter, Rachel, aged 15. On the third day from his brother's injury, I asked her (apparently she looked quite calm), "Are you OK?" "As long as he can still smile at me, talk to me, communicate with me with perfect sense... I'm totally fine!" replied intelligent Rachel. The second person who could also ease my pain was my lovable youngest son, Roderick, aged 13, saying, "Mom, you don't have to blame yourself so hard, even when you have always reminded us not to do this and that, we won't listen, we're always doing things behind your back!"

    Suzanne

  5. #15
    When my son was injured many people thought about my son in the hospital and even what I was going thru as a parent of a child that was newly paralyzed. My other son really got little support from others and that was sad. Chris I admire you for speaking out and looking back at our situation I hope you are getting the support you need also.

  6. #16
    Senior Member LauraD's Avatar
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    Your brother sounds like my daughter Heather, age 12, T-12, 4 years post. She always has her nose in a book. Sometimes I think it is her escape. She can lose herself in a book and live that life.

  7. #17
    Keep hanging in their Chris. Your brother needs you to look past all the hurdles he now faces, and focus on his accomplishments and what he can do. I was injured at 15 and things were tough for my two brothers. I used to play football with them, now we play poker! (Im glad because I can win at poker...lol) They both had a real tough time but, were even closer now. Just focus on your brother accomplishments, no matter how small. The little accomplishments are what keeps me going.
    You sound like a great brother. Keep doing what you do. Thats all anyone can do.

    Jeffrey Sirko (C-6)

  8. #18
    Chris;

    My oldest son was paralyzed on Dec. 1st, 2 years ago. My wife and I were devastated. The pain for parents goes so deep. We could function but just barely so.

    Our rock, however, has been my youngest son, who like you is 2 years younger than his brother. From the very beginning, he balanced our pain by insisting that this had happened for a reason.

    I still have not put my heart around that optimism but my wife and I needed to hear that so badly. Isaac has been there for the entire family and, in particular, his brother Noah from the onset.

    In addition to his positivity, he gave us much needed breaks from the caregiving. Furthermore, he shared without question in the intimacies of the acute stage care.

    To this day he has been better than my wife and I in determining when to help and when to leave his brother alone. We love Noah so much but Isaac understands him better and has taken the lead when we sometimes hesitated.

    Noah has been home for 10 days to spend Thanksgiving with us. Every morning Ike makes Noah breakfast, not because he cannot do it for himself but because he knows that when Noah is back in San Diego he will again be on his own. He wants to give over and over but it never feels like he is doting on his brother.

    We have seen a transformation in our youngest son. He was never a selfish person but he has shown us compassion and patience and love which makes us very proud.

    You are an important part of the recovery Chris. Your family needs you more now than they may ever again. It makes perfect sense for you to be afraid and perhaps full of doubt. Things will get better. Your involvement and a good attitude are strengths that cannot be overestimated.

    You can do it.

    John

    "Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence." Lin Yutang

    [This message was edited by john smith on 11-27-04 at 05:27 PM.]

    [This message was edited by john smith on 11-27-04 at 05:51 PM.]

  9. #19
    Chris,

    My brother who is also two years younger than me was with me the night of my accident. As a matter of fact, I credit him with saving my life. However, because he was there that night, he originally felt as it my accident was partly his fault. Of course it wasnt. It was due to my own stupidity.

    Anyways, he has been there since day one. Mark and the rest of my brothers have encouraged me, comforted me, listened when I needed to talk, snapped me back into reality when I was out on the edge of reason, smacked me around when i started feeling sorry for myself, and never accepted "i can't" as an answer when they thought I could do something.

    I know it sucks for you. I've watched my brothers tear themselves up over my accident. That, honestly, has been one of the hardest things about my new reality. The truth of the matter is, this is what it is. You can't change it and neither can anyone else. Make the best of what you have to work with and support your brother in any way that you feel that you possibly can. Your bond will continue to be strong and he will be forever grateful. Stay strong...be his rock and let him be yours.

    "...I ask for, not at once no government, but at once a better government. Let every man make known what kind of government would command his respect, and that will be one step toward obtaining it". ~Henry David Thoreau

  10. #20
    You need to be strong in order to help your brother,stand by his side making him feel that what happened to him is obviously sad and it will change his life completely,but in the same way he is alive and with new opportunities for living a "newer life",making it better and richer (in the sense of enjoying what he has and what he can do as a human being with disabilities)

    Never be sorrowful,nor pitiful with him,don't patronize him,be understanding and helpful but never treat him with compassion,be always his support but also show him he can do a good life and being disabled doesn't mean being unworthy,he is as worthy as you are and he is so able as you are too!

    Good Luck!

    www.wheelsforindependence.biz

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