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Thread: Year 2005 my last

  1. #1
    Senior Member Tim C.'s Avatar
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    Year 2005 my last

    I reluctantly and ashamedly post this in the LIFE forum, yet I have no where else to turn, let alone possibly understand.
    My neurogenic and digestion pain has become so extreme and so consuming it has destroyed my will, my marriage, and the respect of my children. Just yesterday, after bearing witness to my too frequent wincing from leg burning sensations, my 13 year old son proclaimed that I was wimped and no kind of a father to look up to. My wife, while enjoying a very good marriage with me pre-sci, makes no secret of her distaste for me as the result of how the sci diminished my being. Each day of my post sci life has managed to sink me lower than the dprevious. Mood medications and professional intervenion have repeatedly failed, much like me for allowing myself to fall victim to an sci to begin with. So, so should I continue to eat shit in 2005, or what?
    'What' for me last nite consisted of whatever remained in my container of Ambien [I guess around 15 or so], my fentanyl pain med, chased down with about 4oz of vodka. Goodbye to this shit life? Not so fast; I managed only a 15 hour sleep. I awoke this afternoon, right back to the leg and abdominal pain that I can no longer tolerate, and tried so hard to escape from. Incidently, it was my wife who provided me the sleeping pills and alcohol, my quad skills are otherwise not that advanced. In any case, it clearly demonstrates where our marriage is at these time.
    Ok, so what's next? I hope not 2006!
    Please say it 'aint so.
    signed,
    nothing going no where. Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Senior Member melikeconan's Avatar
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    Your wife is such a bitch.

  3. #3
    Oh My God.
    Outta my depth.

    WTF is wrong with your wife???
    She MUST go.

    Hang in there. Let someone help.

    We're not failures because we broke our necks. We just aren't on the particularly lucky list.

    Tomorrow HAS to be better, right?

    If your skin is thin, best keep it off the Internet-Betheny

  4. #4
    I know sometimes pain can be unbearable,but please,try to go on with life and projects,I will use a not polite word: Don't make any stupid thing!,try to survive and show people you are worthy,especially do it for your son!
    Being a father changes all,I don't have kids and sadly I know I will not have them,so I admire parents for being able to give all for their kids and teach them to "work in life" for becoming better human beings,please look for help and don't use the pills your wife has given you,if using pills (painkillers) help you to feel better use them carefully,though not be abusive with them.
    Life is never easy,but taking the easy road for avoiding fighting will never be worthy,show your courage to the world,especially to your kid!

    www.wheelsforindependence.biz

  5. #5
    A few years ago,I suffered a terrible depressionI even thought about killing myself,My fiance had left me for marrying his nurse,emotionally it crushed me and I was destroyed because I never thought someone like him was able to dump me in such a bad way,I know now if I would have died he wouldn't have cared for my death,apart of this thing,I have had very bad,rough times and as many of us here,SCI has made my life a little difficult,especially the last 3 years back pain during winter has increased,besides of being aware that with the age,instead of being better my body will change and will experience more problems (as all people gets older I'll do it too).
    But I try to live one day at a time,trying to focus on what I am nowadays.

    www.wheelsforindependence.biz

  6. #6
    Tim, hang in there, we're with you here. I hope you can find a way to see yourself through this troubled time. Salima said one day at a time .. maybe it's one hour or even five minutes at a time, but you can make it .. you are worth it. You have done a lot for our community.

    My wish for you is that tonight will be better for you. Take care.

  7. #7
    So, Tim, I've been thinking. I know your pain has been dreadful all along. I know you've fought hard too and that you're way discouraged right now. I remember seeing you in NYC, didn't get the chance to meet you.

    I have no wisdom at all except this...dude, you've got kids. There is no more cruel legacy to leave a family than that of your suicide. Your 13 year old popped off, said you were wimped, and I know that hurts. Here's the bad news...next year he is going to hate your guts. It's what they DO. If your attempt last night had succeeded, he would have gone through life feeling responsible. You can't do that to him, Tim. If your wife thinks she wants you dead don't give her the satisfaction. I am appalled that a woman would enable such a thing at a time when her child would forever feel the guilt and the shame, regardless of how she feels about you just now. I think you aren't in a rational head place right now but can't imagine what her deal is.

    When your kid doesn't respect you, please consider the source. As a teenager, he'll break your heart again. If we let the teenage boys win we're in trouble LOL.

    Like Bruce, I sure hope tomorrow is better.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Tim C.'s Avatar
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    Thank you for your comments. I need direction at this time, and need it in the worst possible way. It's 2:45 am, I'm lying here in bed, scared shit of what tomorrow may bring. My daytime caregiver has his scheduled sunday off, and my wife who originally agreed to provide me the minimum weekend care [since we had difficulty in finding reliable 7 day care, and needed the cost savings] has since sworn off any to spite me. I'm dreading the thought of a full day unable to leave the bed. There can't be much worse for a quad. I will end up begging and I hope to get my leg bag emptied, and my teeth brushed [coffee and egg depending on the mood of the moment]. Yes, I'm grateful for each day since I survived my crash leaving me with sci. I seriously wonder many times how is it that medical science has figured out how to fix our neck vertebrae after we break it, and then send us off in wheelchairs with the concept that we'll go on to otherwise lead productive lives. I only wish it be that easy for me. Is the curse of quadriplegia total loss of hands/fingers in order to make the effort of suicide that much more difficult?
    I love my wife, maybe I cannot fault her, it is not fault that I fucked up and fell to earn my sci. I'm sure the vow of 'in sickness or in health' did not anticipate sci. Who wants a spouse who cannot financially support her or please her sexually? I need to find and utilize life's checkout counter. I'm defective merchandise and should be returned to my manufacturer. I'd rather go while I still have some dignity, rather than watch myself wither and lose my family.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Tim C.'s Avatar
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    PS; I remain thankful for the existence of the CC community.
    Without doubt, it consists of the most family any sci can have. To be toessed out of your position husband, father, breadwinner, head of the household, etc. to a totaly disabled, fully dependent, resented mutt with self worthless-ness is only something another sci can understand.
    I know suicide is wrong, and someday my 13y/o will stop calling his dad an embarrassment and loser. The pain is with me more than its not. It's winning and I'm losing.
    Maybe he's right

  10. #10
    tim,
    i sure wish you lived near me.

    i dunno your financial situation, but depending on a wife who behaves in the manner you describe is not only life-threatening for you, but terribly damaging to your kid.

    neither you, or any other dis person is wimp. quite the opposite.

    sounds like you'd better get free of the situation, hire your help (if financially able) and get on with it. show your kid you can do it, and as for your wife, good luck to her. and i'd say, good riddance. time will show your son who is the better person.

    i am c7, single mom to 12 yr old. been on my own almost since his birth. and, i suffer pain 24/7.

    cass

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