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Thread: Advice

  1. #21
    Senior Member TD's Avatar
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    one small, missing element

    cjo33 - With all this advice I have yet to find one mention of what Tana would like you to do. You know she is there beside you as you strive to decide whether to participate in her brother's wedding or not. What has passed is past and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. Perhaps your attending the wedding will help heal the rift between you and her family. Perhaps being involved with her brother's wedding will provide the impetus for you to get past all the anger and resentment and open the way for a meaningful dialog which in turn will begin the healing which you both seem to need.

    Say a few prayers, visit Tana, and open your heart and mind to the answer Tana will surely provide.

    "And so it begins."

  2. #22
    Chris,

    You've been through hell. Of that journey, no one can no your pain better than you. And no...you and Tana deserve no blame thrown your way.

    I understand that this man has shown little if any remorse. But I cannot believe that he isn't haunted each night by his actions on that fateful night. Then again...I have seen, and do personally know a socio-path. And if he may very well fit into that category...but those type of people are rare. And God can only help him if he is.

    At the end of the day you will never know his motives until you talk with him. How about setting up a meeting with him and his family and confronting him? Ask him why is he asking you to be in the wedding. Ask him why he hasn't bothered to contact you until now. Tell him that you're searching in your heart to find forgiveness.

    Chris, its real easy for us to tell you what to do...we don't have to walk in your shoes. This is going to be tough...but this may be your best chance of getting this out in the open and discussed. Otherwise you may be faced with years of suppressed anger and resentment...and that can't be good...particularly for you. And yes...you definitely count...more than anyone in this situation.

    Yes, you have a right to be pissed off. Yes, you deserve answers. And no, its not fair you're in this position. BUT you have a chance to do something great here. You have the chance to turn a cruddy suituation into something good. And you are the one person who can maybe...just maybe...can get through to this guy. And I have to believe that would be a great gift to yourself, Tana's family...and Tana.

    I'm urging you to be extraordinary Chris. But at the end of the day I only pray for your peace...and only you will know where that lies.

    God's speed my friend...God's speed.

  3. #23
    After reading all of your updates. It doesnt sound to me that you want to go to the wedding. Therefore, I think you should follow your feelings and not attend.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Erin81079's Avatar
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    Chris~

    I do not think that any one person is to blame for your paralysis and Tana's death. I don't think it rides soley on your shoulders, or her brother's. I think that this situation was bad judgement on MANY parts.. . on Your's, Tana's, her brother's, and employees of the bar that you left. I think that you are spending too much time pointing fingers, and thinking about what if's. This is what is ultimately going to break you in pieces. I think in order for you to find peace with this horrible accident, you must forgive. If not for your peace of mind, then for Tana's sake. I believe still, that you must go with your gut instinct regarding the wedding. Don't do it if it doesn't feel right. Like I said before, now is the perfect time to be selfish! But please try to communicate with Tana's family, and let them know how badly you are hurting, especially her brother! Unless he is a truly heartless JERK, then there is much more going on in his head than he is showing. This is going to take a long time to heal, but if you start dressing the wounds now, you won't get a bad infection. In other words, you need to address the situation before too much goes unsaid, and this blows up into a raging disaster. I just went through an ugly situation with my family where I had a LOT of misplaced anger hidden deep inside me. This anger surfaced at the wrong time, and with the wrong situation. Feelings were hurt over 3 dollars, when it really didn't have to do with the 3 dollars at all. I don't know if that will make sense to you, but hopefully it will. Good luck, I'm here for you :-).

    @>->-, ((((((((((HERE'S ANOTHER BIG HUG))))))))))))))

  5. #25
    Me too many years ago I lost a very closed friend. She wasn't my girlfriend but she was so closed than never a friend could be. Despite many years has passed there's no week that only for a moment my think go to her. Considering that Tana was your girlfriend and considering circumstances you lost her I *well* understand what you feel.

    And I well understand your feeling with her brother. He, maybe, is searching a way to get your forgive, he's giving you his hand 'cause you hold it but, in the end, no one here could give you better suggestion than what *you* definitely feel to do.

    Well says Erin and -at opposit- well says Chasb so: do you see how difficult is to say in absolute what's really the best to do? Feel good with youself, follow what your soul suggest you. It will the best but remember: everything you will decide to do, never regret it.

    ~Fab~

  6. #26
    "do you see how difficult is to say in absolute what's really the best to do? Feel good with youself, follow what your soul suggest you. It will the best but remember: everything you will decide to do, never regret it."

    Nice summation Fab. Lots of thought provoking points brought up by all.

  7. #27
    Guest

    A great big thank you

    You've all been a tremendous help to me, I appreciate all of the input. Since he asked me, I've always leaned toward not doing it. I think subconsciuosly that maybe I was trying to get myself talked into it. I haven't made a decision as of yet, it will come in time. I have realized that I have a lot of issues to work through and it's a blessing that there is a place like this for us to share our SCI feelings.

    With that said, I will do some soul searching and communicating in the near future. It's been 18 months already, but I am finally just starting to come to terms with what has happened. I think my concussion and all of the pain meds I was on may have helped to suppress my feelings. I'm sorry, that's another excuse and I am going to vow not to hide behind them anymore.

    "Excuses are like assholes - everybody has one and they stink."

    Once again, God bless you all. I am going to strike the word 'blame' from my vocabulary...

    Chris

  8. #28
    Guest

    Divine Intervention

    Not ten minutes after I posted my last messsage, I had some visitors. It was Tana's dad, her brother, and Tana's dog and they visited for over two hours. It was nice - they were taking a break from harvest because it snowed here last night. We talked about Tana a lot, which I LOVE to do. Nothing was mentioned of the accident or wedding, but I feel this is progress.

    Thanks again,
    Chris

  9. #29
    Man that just sends chills up my spine. On a really stressed out day I needed that. Thanks for sharing Chris. May this be the first day of the rest of your life...moving forward, seeking understanding and finding peace.

    Continue to be extraordinary. And keep us posted on your journey back.

  10. #30
    Senior Member Erin81079's Avatar
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    Funny isn't it. . .

    how things like that just seem to happen when you need it the most. I think that you are in good hands, and everything will turn out the way it is supposed to. That's soooo awesome, and it looks like it's a roll (he he he) in the right direction.

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