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Thread: Joke

  1. #21
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    beers are going down nice , hope the jokes are ok ?

    Top Ten He Said She Said
    >
    >10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
    >put in it.
    > She said...You wear pants, don't you?
    >
    >9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
    > He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
    >
    >8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love
    >to you really badly.
    > She said...Well, you succeeded.
    >
    >7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
    > She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
    >
    >6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.."
    > Written just below it: "I do not."
    >
    >5) He said... "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
    > She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
    >while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
    >
    >4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your
    >late husband.'
    > She said...'Who's gonna look?'
    >
    >3) He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
    >you?
    > She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bast*rd.
    >
    >2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
    > She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall
    >light on.
    >
    >1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an org*sm?
    > She said...I would, but you're never there.
    >

  2. #22
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    another beer , another joke ..

    A man walks into a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist.
    The
    > > > woman he asks says that she is the pharmacist and that she and her
    > sister
    > > > are
    > > > the only ones available. She asks if there is something that she can
    > help
    > > > the
    > > > gentleman with.
    > > >
    > > > The man says that it is something that he would be much more
    > > > comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist
    > > > assures him that she is completely professional and whatever it is
    that
    > he
    > > > needs
    > > > to discuss, he can be confident that she will treat him with the
    highest
    > > > level of professionalism and dignity.
    > > >
    > > > The man agrees and says, "This is tough
    > > > for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a
    lot
    > > > of
    > > > problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could
    > give
    > > > me for it?" The pharmacist says, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my
    > > > sister."
    > > >
    > > > When she returns, she says, "We discussed it at length and the
    absolute
    > > > best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car and $3000
    a
    > > > month
    > > > living expenses."

  3. #23
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    here is another one !

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
    > >by
    > >an enemy Indian war
    > >party.
    > > > > >
    > > > > > The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are
    > >the
    > >great Lone Ranger. In
    > >honor
    > > > > > of the Harvest Festival, you will be
    > >executed
    > >in three days. But
    > >before
    > > > > > I
    > > > > > kill you, I will grant you three requests.
    > >What is your first
    > > > > > request?"
    > > > > >
    > > > > > The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to
    > >speak
    > >to my horse." The Chief
    > > > > > nods and Silver is brought before the Lone
    > >Ranger.
    > > > > >
    > > > > > The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear
    > >and
    > >the horse gallops away.
    > > > > > Later that evening, Silver returns with a
    > >beautiful blonde woman on
    > >his
    > > > > > back.
    > > > > >
    > > > > > As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde
    > >enters
    > >the Lone Ranger's tent
    > > > > > and spends the night. The next morning the
    > >Indian Chief admits he's
    > > > > > impressed.
    > > > > >
    > > > > > "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but
    > >I
    > >will still kill you in
    > >two
    > > > > > days. What is your second request?"
    > > > > >
    > > > > > The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his
    > >horse. Silver is brought
    > >to
    > > > > > him
    > > > > > and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
    > >As
    > >before, Silver takes off
    > > > > > across the plains and disappears over the
    > >horizon. Later that evening,
    > > > > > to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
    > >returns,
    > >this time with a
    > > > > > voluptuous
    > > > > > brunette even more attractive than the
    > >blonde.
    > >She enters the Lone
    > > > > > Ranger's tent and spends the night.
    > > > > >
    > > > > > The following morning the Indian Chief is
    > >again impressed. "You are
    > > > > > indeed a man of many talents, but I will
    > >still
    > >kill you tomorrow. What
    > > > > > is your last request." The Lone Ranger
    > >responds, "I'd like to speak to
    > > > my
    > > > > >
    > > > > > horse, alone."
    > > > > >
    > > > > > The Chief is curious, but he agrees and
    > >Silver
    > >is brought to the Lone
    > > > > > Ranger's tent.
    > > > > >
    > > > > > Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs
    > >Silver by one ear, grabs him
    > > > > > by the other, looks him square in the eye
    > >and
    > >says, "Listen carefully.
    > > > > > For the last time, I said POSSE!!!!"

  4. #24
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    some one is putting holes in my beers , but there are still some jokes left .

    I thought you might enjoy the insight into our world...

    > > >
    > > > 1. Thou shall not rent the movie 'Chocolat'.
    > > >
    > > > 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an
    > > > umbrella.
    > > >
    > > > 3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may
    > > > be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    > > >
    > > > 4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend,
    > > > mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant,
    > > > or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any
    > > > useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts.
    > > > You are permitted to deny his very existence.
    > > >
    > > > 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate
    > > > family, you must bail a friend out of jail
    > > > within 12 hours.
    > > >
    > > > 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by
    > > > 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone
    > > > within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT'.
    > > > (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the
    > > > allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
    > > >
    > > > 7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours,
    > > > his sister is off-limits forever.
    > > >
    > > > 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for
    > > > another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a
    > > > girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every
    > > > point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe
    > > > scale.
    > > >
    > > > 9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a
    > > > buddies refrigerator is forbidden. However, you may
    > > > gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    > > >
    > > > 10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present
    > > > for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's
    > > > birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
    > > >
    > > > 11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot
    > > > babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is
    > > > your legal duty. Should you get carried away with
    > > > your good deed and end up having sex with the beast,
    > > > your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your
    > > > bachelor party.
    > > >
    > > > 12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required
    > > > to ask his permission and he in return is required
    > > > to grant it.
    > > >
    > > > 13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must
    > > > be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge
    > > > of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing
    > > > clean.
    > > >
    > > > 14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem.
    > > > You didn't see nothin'.
    > > >
    > > > 15. The universal compensation for buddies who help
    > > > you move is beer.
    > > >
    > > > 16. A man must never own a cat or like his
    > > > girlfriend's cat.
    > > >
    > > > 17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports
    > > > event, you may always ask the score of the game in
    > > > progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
    > > >
    > > > 18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to
    > > > fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give
    > > > her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your
    > > > buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about
    > > > joining the priesthood.
    > > >
    > > > 19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink
    > > > only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and
    > > > it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's
    > > > free.
    > > >
    > > > 20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
    > > >
    > > > 21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively
    > > > dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    > > >
    > > > 22. If a buddy is out-numbered, out-manned, or too
    > > > drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
    > > > Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions
    > > > have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a
    > > > good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
    > > >
    > > >
    > > > 23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man
    > > > while weight lifting:
    > > > "Yeah, baby, push it!"
    > > > "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
    > > > "Another set and we can hit the showers."
    > > > "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
    > > >
    > > > 24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the
    > > > last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain
    > > > mean.
    > > >
    > > > 25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you
    > > > better be referring to his beer.
    > > >
    > > > 26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a
    > > > buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending
    > > > your response.
    > > >
    > > > 27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're
    > > > on equal footing: either both urinating or both
    > > > waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod
    > > > is all the conversation you need.
    > > >
    > > > 28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in
    > > > the car, you may not join him...too gay.

  5. #25
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    one more !

    probably not politically correct , but i'm not scared .

    A small white guy goes into
    > > > > an elevator, when he
    > > > > gets in he notices a
    > > > > huge black dude standing
    > > > > next to him. The big
    > > > > black dude looks down upon
    > > > > the small white guy and says:
    > > > > "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
    > > > > 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball,
    > > > > Turner Brown"
    > > > > The small white guy faints! The
    > > > > big black dude picks up the small
    > > > > white guy and brings him
    > > > > to, slapping his face and
    > > > > shaking him and asks
    > > > > the small white guy.
    > > > > "What's wrong?".
    > > > > The small
    > > > > white guy says;"Excuse me but what
    > > > > did you say?". The big black dude
    > > > > looks down and says "7
    > > > > feet tall, 350 pounds,
    > > > > 20 inch dick, 3 pound left
    > > > > ball, 3 pound right
    > > > > ball, my name is Turner
    > > > > Brown." The small white guy says,
    > > > > "Thank God, I thought you said
    > > > > 'Turn around. '"

  6. #26
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    they learn young . :)

    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
    human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one
    answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be
    asking 6th
    graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will
    go
    and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face,
    she
    then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,

    "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little
    Mary's
    mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get
    in
    big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
    "Anybody?"

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and
    said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is
    the
    pupil of the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary
    and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

    (1) you have a dirty mind,

    (2) you didn't read your homework, and

    (3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

  7. #27
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    this would be bloody hilarious , if it wasn't true !

    probably a bit like SCI , would be funny if it was fiction ..

    >>In 1994, a jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old
    >> >>Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and
    >> >>buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This
    >>case
    >> >>inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous
    >>lawsuit
    >> >>in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases
    >> >>are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA)
    >>with
    >>the
    >> >>right attorney you could win anything! (see OJ trial).
    >>
    >> >>1. January 2000, Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded
    >> >>$780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping
    >> >>over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The
    >>owners
    >> >>of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering
    >> >>the misbehaving little rodent was Ms. Robertson's son.
    >>
    >> >>2. June 1998, 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000
    >> >>and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda
    >> >>Accord. Mr.Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
    >> >>wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's
    >> >>hubcaps.
    >>
    >> >>3. October 1998, Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was
    >> >>leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He
    >>was
    >>not
    >> >>able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener
    >> >>was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
    >> >>connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
    >> >>family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
    >> >>garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a
    >>large
    >> >>bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance
    >>claiming
    >>the
    >> >>situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune
    >>of
    >> >>half a million dollars.
    >>
    >> >>4. October 1999, Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was
    >> >>awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks
    >>by
    >>his next
    >> >>door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's
    >> >>fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought
    >>because the
    >> >>jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the
    >> >>time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
    >>
    >> >>5. May 2000, a Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber
    >> >>Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft
    >>drink
    >>
    >> >>and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson
    >> >>threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
    >>
    >> >>6. December 1997, Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully
    >> >>sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from
    >> >>the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.
    >> >>This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in
    >> >>the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
    >> >>$12,000 and dental expenses.
    >>
    >> >>7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail
    >> >>Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found
    >> >>not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a
    >> >>bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her
    >>microwave
    >>
    >> >>for,"just a few minutes, on low". The case was quickly dismissed.
    >>
    >> >>These are true stories

  8. #28
    Dogger, I was just visiting Texas and have the feeling that Texan men share a lot of similar unwritten rules with the Australians.

    I was recently in a meeting where committee members were not supposed to discuss some material that might be overheard in public. A woman member of the committee took it upon herself to suggest to the committee members that they not discuss committee business in the restroom. I assured her that while women may do so, men do not talk in such circumstances. They occasionally nod to each other and try hard not to grunt or make other embarassing noises.

    Wise.

  9. #29
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    good call .. i think .

    Wise i come from western Queensland [ only about 400 mile west of brisbane ] and live by myself a bit over 60 miles from the nearest town [ i'm not isolated , i've got neighbours only 10 miles away ] , but i think if people out here had identify with Americans , it would be Texas . things still happen here as they have for a while , catching wild cattle etc . i've got 30 head in the last 2 yrs . glad to see someone is reading my jokes , still got a few left ..

  10. #30
    Okay, here is one... It is actually adapted from a joke about New Yorkers (substitute New Yorker, Texan, Australian, or whoever for American).

    Three men were captured by the Indians. One was a Frenchman, the second was an Englishman, and the third was an American. They were stripped naked and dragged in front of the Indian Chief who told them that he was going to kill them and use their skin for his canoe. He asked them how they want to die. The Frenchman stepped up and requested poison. The Chief nodded at his braves and they brought a brew of poison to the Frenchman who held up the drink, said "Viva La France", drank, and fell over dead. The Englishman then stepped forward and asked for a pistol. The Chief carefully considered the request, scrutinized the man carefully, but gave him a gun with one bullet. The Englishman, honorable to the last, took the pistol, proclaimed "Long Live the Queen", and shot himself in the head. The American was silent, watching all this happening. The Chief turned to him and asked him how he wants to die. The American requested a fork. The Chief was puzzled but complied. As soon as he got the fork, the man stabbed himself all over his body with the fork. As the American laid there bleeding to death, the Chief asked why he did that. The American smiled and said "Screw your canoe".

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