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Thread: Joke

  1. #11
    Senior Member Jeff's Avatar
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    Geeez, I hope not

    Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
    our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
    install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

    Thank you for calling heaven.
    For English press 1
    For Spanish press 2
    For all other languages, press 3

    Please select one of the following options:
    Press 1 for request
    Press 2 for thanksgiving
    Press 3 for complaints
    Press 4 for all others

    I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right
    now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the
    order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak
    to:
    God, press 1
    Jesus press 2
    Holy spirit, press 3

    To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter
    his social security # followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative
    response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

    For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

    For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets,
    please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

    Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang
    up and call again tomorrow.

    The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

    If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
    contact your local pastor.

    Thank you and have a heavenly day.

    ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

  2. #12
    Senior Member Max's Avatar
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    TWO CHICKENS AND A GOOSE

    TWO CHICKENS AND A GOOSE

    A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

    "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

    The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

    The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying abucket, an anvil two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

    The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, puthe anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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    ==============================
    "With every scientific advance, we grow closer to unlocking the mysteries of life and creation. But what have we gained if in the process, we lose our humanity. The most powerful thing we pass along to our children may not reside in the genes, but in the soul."
    The Outer Limits(Criminal Nature)



  3. #13
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    getting his monies worth !

    A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
    bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and
    coffee?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really
    taken the edge off my appetite."

    At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade
    soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines.
    "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.."

    Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. Would he like
    maybe steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty
    stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "Naw,
    still not hungry."

    "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

  4. #14
    A young brunette goes into the doctor's
    office and reports that her body hurts,
    wherever she touches it.

    "Impossible," says the doctor.
    "Show me what you mean."

    So, she takes her finger and pushes
    her elbow and screams in agony.
    Then she pushes
    her knee and screams,
    pushes her ankle and screams
    and so it goes on,
    everywhere she touches makes her scream.

    The doctor says,
    "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
    "No, I'm actually a blonde," she replies.
    "I thought so," says the doctor.
    "Your finger is broken."

  5. #15

    Little Girl

    A little girl returned home from school one day and proudly proclaimed to her Mother that she'd learned that day where babies come from.

    The Mother was surprised to hear her say that, so she decided to pursue the matter.

    "Okay", said the Mother, "Tell me. Where DO babies come from?"

    The little girls says, "Well, when a man takes his 'thing' and puts it in the womans mouth, then you get a baby!"

    "No, no, no" said the mother. "That's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."

  6. #16
    Senior Member Max's Avatar
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    THE SENILITY PRAYER

    THE SENILITY PRAYER

    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

    Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
    2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
    3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
    5. If all is not lost, where is it?
    6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
    7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
    8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
    9. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
    10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

    ==============================
    " They say "Seeing is believing" but the true question is: What do you believe you've seen? Throughout history, the search for faith has lead man to look to the stars and the heavens for answers, but only by looking into ourselves may we truly find it." Outer Limits(Josh)



  7. #17
    Senior Member Jeff's Avatar
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    A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street.

    "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman
    responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

    "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

    "You are not going to throw it away in some fishing gear, are you?" asks the gentleman.

    "No way, I don't fish," answers the bum.

    "You wouldn't waste the money on a squirrel dog, would you?" asks the man.

    "Never," says the bum, "I don't hunt."

    The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

    "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

    "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or hunt."

    ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

  8. #18
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    A woman was wearing a very tight skirt, so when she tried to climb the stairs of the bus, she found she couldn't lift her leg. So she reached behind her and unzipped her zip a little, but it didn't make much difference. Again she reached behind her and unzipped it a little further, when suddenly a man lifted her up and put her on the top step. "How dare you " she exclaimed.

    "Well miss, by the time you had unzipped my fly for the second time I thought we were friends!"

  9. #19
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    getting a bit bored drinking beer at home alone on Saturday night , hope some one is reading these ?

    this was my favourite joke when i got divorced !!

    why is a woman like a cyclone [hurricane] ?

    when they come they are noisy , wet and wild ...
    and when they go they take your house and contents ..

  10. #20
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    another beer , another joke ..

    There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
    > woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
    > years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
    > gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for
    > being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters,
    > you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to
    > do the most."
    >
    > He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
    > shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
    > ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and
    > laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."
    >
    > "Would you care to do it again?" he asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly
    > replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. "This time, I'll
    > hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

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