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Thread: Joke

  1. #1
    Senior Member Jeff's Avatar
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    Joke

    The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

    Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

    Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.

    WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please. I need to call in."

    The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.

    Trooper: "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

    Chief: "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"

    Trooper: "No, even more important."

    Chief: "It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush is it?".

    Trooper: "No, even more important!"

    Chief: "It isn't the President George Bush, is it?"

    Trooper: "No, even more important."

    Chief: "Well, WHO the HECK is it?"

    Trooper: "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus. His chauffeur is the Pope."

    ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

  2. #2
    Good one, Jeff!

    _____________
    Tough times don't last - tough people do.

  3. #3
    Now THAT's quality.

  4. #4
    Senior Member mk99's Avatar
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    Parrot Joke

    A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot
    sitting on a
    little
    perch.
    It doesn't have any feet or legs.
    The guy says aloud "Bloody hell!. I wonder what
    happened to this
    parrot?

    The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective
    parrot".

    "Holy sh*t", the bloke replies. "You actually
    understood and
    answered
    me!"

    "I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a
    highly
    intelligent,
    throughly educated bird."

    "Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do
    you hang
    onto
    your
    perch without any feet?"

    "Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing
    but since you
    asked,
    I wrap my cock around this wooden bar like a little
    hook. You can't
    see
    it
    because of my feathers."

    "Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and
    speak English,
    can't
    you!"

    "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can
    converse with
    reasonable competence on
    almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
    philosophy.
    I'm
    especially good at
    ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a
    great companion."

    The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I
    just can't
    afford
    that."

    "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the
    truth is,
    nobody
    wants
    me cause I don't
    have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just
    make the guy
    an
    offer!"

    The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
    Weeks go by.
    The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
    humour, he's
    interesting, he's a great pal,
    he understands everything, He sympathises, and he's
    insightful. The
    bloke
    is delighted.

    One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
    goes
    "Psssssssssssst"
    and motions him
    over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
    this or not,
    but
    it's about your wife
    and the postman."

    "What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.

    "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted
    him at the
    door in
    a
    sheer black nighty
    and kissed him passionately."

    "WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what
    happened?"

    "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted
    up her
    nighty and
    began petting
    her all over" reported the parrot.

    "My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

    "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees
    and began to
    lick
    her
    all over,
    starting with her breasts and slowly going down....

    " WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT
    HAPPENED?"

    "F*ck knows" say's the parrot, I got a hard-on and
    fell off my
    perch."

  5. #5
    Senior Member Max's Avatar
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    Getting into Heaven

    Getting into Heaven

    "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

    "NO!" the children all answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

    Again, the answer was, "NO!"

    "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"

    I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"

    "Well", I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

    A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD"



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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  6. #6
    Mike and Max, you are really funny. I laughed for a long time. Wise.

  7. #7
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
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    Mitchell , Qld. Australia
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    dangers of drinking ?

    Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor
    > manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning
    > labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
    > happened to your bra.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
    > when you are not.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
    > retard.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
    > and over again that you love them.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
    > are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
    > converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
    > Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
    > morning and see something really scary.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
    > rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
    > tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
    > invisible or worse bulletproof.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
    > laughing WITH you!
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
    > time-space continuum, whereby sections of time may seem to literally
    > disappear.
    > >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause extra steps on the staircase.
    >
    > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
    > >
    > >WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mayc you tink you can tipe reel
    > gud.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > ...And remember?.beauty is only a lightswitch away...

  8. #8

    this gives new meaning to " enforcement "

    .

  9. #9
    Senior Member Jeff's Avatar
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    LOL, Carl

    You're right! I'll pay attention to those signs a lot more, now!!

    ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

  10. #10
    Senior Member Jeff's Avatar
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    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
    her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says,
    "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
    vacation."

    Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
    borrow.

    The frog says "$30,000."

    The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
    Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank
    manager.

    Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
    that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if
    he has anything he can use as collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
    elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out
    there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.

    And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"



    > > >

    > > >

    > > > (are you ready?)

    > > >

    > > >

    > > >

    > > > (are you sure?)

    > > >

    > > >

    > > >

    > > >

    > > > (are you really sure?!)

    > > >

    > > >

    > > >

    > > >

    > > >

    The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

    Sorry!

    ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

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