The Redneck Night Before Christmas


It was the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer park
Not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care,
In hopes Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was alseep in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon pies, and RC's.
And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap
Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fourtune and a nap.

Then out in the vacent lot I heard such a commotion
I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen and hollered for Blue.

The moon was shinin' down on my old wrecked cars
So bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't believe my own hardworking eyes
When a jacked up Ford pickup come flyin' through the sky!

Faster'n Ole Ironhead hs possums they came
And he whooped and hollered and called 'em by name
Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!

To the top of the satellite dish! To the top of the shed!
Now move it! Step on it! Y'all get out the lead!
You know how, on our road, when a car goes by,
There's all this dirt flies up into the sky?

That's how this crew went staight on up to my roof
With that pickup full of toys, a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in I heard up on the tin
The scrabbling around of them Flying possums of his'n.

I yanked my head back in the trailer and hitched up my shorts...
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort!
He was dressed in red-and-green camo from his neck to his feet
And I had to give him credit he still had most his teeth.

Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale slung on his back-
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
His eye took in our humble home
The furniture we bought on layaway in town...

Earline's pride, that Elvis on velvet...
My collections of barbed wire... and license plates made by relatives.
I coulda' swore I even saw a glistening tear
When his eye fell on sweet Earlene, a snorin'in her chair.

He kindly favored Hank, Jr., with a big round belly
That shook when he laughed like a blob of K-Y jelly.
Yep, he was fat all right, blocked out our whole Large screen TV,
And I had to laugh when I saw him, 'cause he looked just like me!

When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he'd treat us right-
Why, he might even leave me some ammo tonight!
I stood there dreamin' of whitetail while I watched him work,
Then he stopped and, like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

He topped off our stockin's with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
Then squoze up that dryer vent like spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn...I'm not lying'!
And they took off like white lightnin' with their possum tails flyin'.

But I heard him holler as headed for the 7-11....
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
AND MAY ALL REDNECKS GO TO HEAVEN!"

~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~