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Thread: When did your Life start again?

  1. #11
    Senior Member Jeff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Argao, Cebu, Philippines


    I was right there reading your post. I was a slow starter [also] but came on very strong. People greive differently. Only after one year do I feel like it's time for someone to definitely move on. By doing things with my screwed-up, paralysed body I felt like I was leaving my handsome, well-coordinated body behind. It wasn't easy to let go.

    Being 54 is also a potential liability. But also a plus. I wish I could have lived 54 years until injury. OTOH, I once felt like my life would pass me by if I didn't get moving. Maybe someone 54 y.o. could feel like their life will be over if they don't get moving. I don't know. What I do know is that SCI is devastating and I also am not quick to judge. People judged me pretty harshly at sixteen and I surprised them all at eighteen. If only we could have a crystal ball...

    ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

  2. #12
    I would say that when his body is healed it is time to work on moving on. If there are still
    health issues that are holding him back that is one thing.If he is just feeling sorry for
    himself that is another. It is hard to switch from one chair to the next, what ever you spend
    all of your time in will feel right after some time. I would say that the best thing for your
    husband is for him to get out of the house. I think about anyone would go a little nuts
    sitting around all day watching TV. He needs something that he is obligated to attend at
    least one or two days a week. Work is good, school helps, volunteering feels great. If he
    does not have to work then he needs to get a hobby.Sitting there indefinitely will only
    make him become someone that you do not want to love.Everyone has to find their own path, but sometimes they need someone to point in the general direction they need to go.

    I think that the best thing I could say to you is you know your husband,if you think that
    he should be doing more then you are probably right.You are asking so there is at least a
    shadow of doubt. I am a nag, I think that he needs to clean house if he does not have a job.
    He should be bringing you water like the domestic goddess you are.
    We do not choose to sit on our butts all day, that is mandatory. What we do while we are sitting is another issue.

  3. #13


    Wanted to throw in a couple of comments (btw I am C6-7, 37yrs. old).

    Devestating injury. Mental healing injury time is different for everyone. I don't know if 7 mos. is too short or too long.

    What I can suggest though are the following:

    1. Realization that he's alive. Physically injured but intellectually alive. If we think about it most of us, pre or post injury, can offer more with our brains and hearts than with our bodies.

    2. Realization that he has a family who loves and cares about him. Not whether he's walking or not.

    3. Realization that his limitations are entirely in his mind. If he can imagine it he can do it. Anything from riding a motorcycle, to skydiving, to sailing, to travel.

    4. Get out of the house. The sooner the better. The mall, restaurants, parks, whatever. Get out in society. Museums, movies etc.

    5. Work was / is salvation for me. Volunteering at various functions also helps keep your schedule full.

    6. At 54 I'm sure he's made a few contacts in life. Maybe fundraising towards a cure?

    Basically I suggest that he gets moving. I don't care what direction. But keep moving physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.

    I mean how many times can he watch the same episode of Gilligan's Island?

  4. #14
    Senior Member TD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Phoenix, AZ, USA

    Being over 50.......

    and having this sort of thing happen to you can be devastating. I am a T4 para and just cleared the half century mark myself and have had to evaluate and re-evaluate my circumstances. Here are the steps and decisions I made....hope they help.

    1) Getting past the injury - 7 months is not nearly long enough for your husband to be over any depression he may be feeling. He has lost so much of what he had for so long!! He is just being ignorant if he does not think he needs to talk to someone. He has lost the use of his limbs, for God's sakes!! That chair he keeps avoiding is now his legs so he should be trying to get used to it and if he's not in good physical shape the chair will help him get some exercise. Your husband should be advancing, taking care of himself more and more by now. The advice of "make him get it himself" is pretty good, however, be prepared for arguments and words like "you don't love me anymore" or "why won't you help me?". You sound like a loving wife so don't let him push you into getting a divorce. That's a cop-out and he will always have you to blame for his troubles.

    2) Going back to work - This will all depend on what he did before the injury. If he was doing manual work he will have to go back to school to learn to use his head instead of his hands. He will have to make this sort of decision once he gets out of his blue funk.

    3) Have you filed for your disability yet? Do you know how much he will be getting? Living off of SSD isn't much fun but it can be managed with a working spouse. My wife works her tail off putting in 18 to 20 hour days to keep up with her work and the house.

    4) Is your husband a vet? If so, get him registered with the VA ASAP. They have wonderful programs to help vets get back into the swing of things.

    5) Get him out of the house!! - This is the best advice we can give you. He needs to begin interacting with other people. If necessary, talk to you MD about getting him into a scooter. This will give him more independence. It will also help when/if he decides to go back to school or begin volunteer work.

    Most importantly remember this is still the man you married so many years ago. He may be grumpy and ill-tempered right now and he may not be very happy or proud of himself but he is still that loving, caring individual you fell in love with. His personality may be a bit warped right now because he is grieving for his loss but deep down he still loves you for all his demands and complaining. Do not become another SCI statistic. As my wife put it, our marriage vows didn't say ", honor and cherish, in sickness or in health unless one of you become catatrophically disabled..."

    "And so it begins."

  5. #15
    Senior Member Tara's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    BC, Canada
    Who says life does ever fully start again? I don't think that mine has and I am 3 years post-injury. It is totally different life that has started....and it is not very fun. He should be allowed to take his time to grieve the loss of his old life. Everyone reacts differently. It is fairly depressing.

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