excuse the melodrama. ive been through a lot of shit. for decades. but what is happening to me now is unnacceptable and beyond my tipping point. I type this in tears. I. cannot. take. it. anymore.

ill try to be brief:

Wht is happening in a nutshell: im getting the most severe spasms ive had in decades. theyre so bad, i cant sleep, i can barely wheel myself properly. ive concluded that the most likely cause is something to do with my bowels. a lot has changed for me. so now, the day before my bowel program, the spasms get severe, and then the day of, its almost unbearable. Now, here's the big big big big problem. i do digital stimulation every few days, i do it myself, with lube and gloves; but when im having these severe spasms episodes, my rectum is tightly shut. sometimes i can relax enough to get a finger and do some rotations and even feel some poop... but the severe spasms send it back up. And then during all this im getting severe autonomic dysreflexia, and the more i remain on the toilet trying to fight it, the tighter my rectum gets, and the more severe the AD, and it becomes a race as to whether ill make it back to my bed to rest. the spasms are so severe i can barely do transfers! and my legs get so rock hard from the spasms it hurts, and it makes transfers scary because i always feel if my leg gets caught while its tight itll snap in half!

so as you can see, its an absolutely shit show. no pun intended.

the only thing keeping my alive right now is smoking a metric ton of cannabis. i literally have been spending 1200$ a month on weed. i smoke huge blunts all day to stop the spasms, and even more when its time for my bowel program.... and it was helping TO SOME EXTENT for the past few months but now nothing is helping.

okay...... with all that out of the way, let me give some supplemental details that are important:
1) I have an sci
2) this has never happened to this extent before, it has only been like this the past 4-5 months.
3) I am on medications: oxycontin (20mg a day, sometimes 40-60), ditropan, and baclofen.
4) most of my life i avoided all medications until about 4-5 years ago i began opiates; and then 2.5 years ago i moved somewhere i couldnt smoke cannabis, so i had to get pills to solve the problems that cannabis solved, mainly my spasms (solved by baclofen), and my bladder frequency/spasms (solved by ditropan) ..........

4a) with all that said, ive been trying to cut back recently. Ive reduced my opiates from 40-60 a day to mostly 20mg a day; and as for the bacolofen/ditropan, the doctor overseas didnt even understand why i needed them, i just asked for it, i was given the pills, and i took them at my own discretion and dosage. Ditropan pill says "oxb 5" and i take 2 a day, 1 in the morning, 1 at night; and baclofen about 20-30mg a day.

i dont know what this is.... neurogenic bowels? severe consitipation caused by any # of things? i just dont know.

and because of the shitty canadian medical system, ive been waiting for months, and will continue to wait for many more months until i can see a doctor who WILL TRY to find a solution.

..... the more im unable to evacuate my bowels, the more i get sick, the more spasms i get throughout the day, and i vomit a lot.... perhaps from poop not being able to get out any other way? or because of the dosage reduction of oxycontin?

i need to find a solution or else i simply wont be able to handle waiting many more months for a possible solution. if this is my life now, then no thanks, im out.........................