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Thread: What color floors? On opposite sides with my fiancee. Advice?

  1. #31
    Quote Originally Posted by gjnl View Post
    If you can not recognize and appreciate all of the other talents and contributions she can make to your relationship, other than a monetary contribution, then what is the basis of your relationship?
    And I thought I was overstepping. We're not here to psychoanalyze, judge, and shame. We're here to answer questions and support each other. The fact that he's paying while she's demanding her way is cause for concern that shouldn't be thrown back in his face like he's an insensitive egomaniac. Quite the opposite. Seems he's trying to find ways to accommodate her while she's being inflexible. It's out of line to judge him that he cannot recognize her worth simply for stated facts.
    Last edited by August West; 05-11-2019 at 11:55 PM.

  2. #32
    Quote Originally Posted by August West View Post
    And I thought I was overstepping. We're not here to psychoanalyze, judge, and shame. We're here to answer questions and support each other. The fact that he's paying while she's demanding her way is cause for concern that shouldn't be thrown back in his face like he's an insensitive egomaniac. Quite the opposite. Seems he's trying to find ways to accommodate her while she's being inflexible. It's out of line to judge him that he cannot recognize her worth simply for stated facts.
    You are making a big deal out of my comments. Just because I am asking pertinent and hard questions doesn't mean I am not supporting RJC. I am not judging, psychoanalyzing or shaming anyone, just asking reasonable questions to make RJC think about this situation.

    Personally, I think that all of us have spent an inordinate amount of time of this silly issue about flooring in this relationship.

  3. #33
    Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it.

    "If you can not recognize and appreciate..." is negative and condescending not supportive.

    Then you proceed to condescend everyone who wishes to contribute to this post by saying we're spending too much time on this topic. Really? I think supporting each other with relationship issues is time well spent.

    When I went through remodelling my house and my girlfriend and I had different ideas, I ended up learning a lot more about my relationship than I did about my house. At the time, I kept it to myself. Probably would have panned out better if I had talked about it. I think we should spend as much time discussing this as RJC wants.
    Last edited by August West; 05-12-2019 at 01:21 AM.

  4. #34
    Quote Originally Posted by August West View Post
    Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it.

    "If you can not recognize and appreciate..." is negative and condescending not supportive.

    Then you proceed to condensed everyone who wishes to contribute to this post by saying we're spending too much time on this topic. Really? I think it's time well spent.
    Being supportive is not rubber stamping the original poster's thoughts. Being supportive is challenging the original poster to think outside his box.

    All I am saying is, if this relationship hinges on the color of a floor choice, then there are a lot of other issues that have to be looked at by this couple, and only they can work through this. No matter how much time we spend nattering and swapping insults at each other is not going to make a whit of difference to the real problems and issues in this relationship.

  5. #35
    More negativity from you. Sometimes venting helps people get over hurdles. Sometimes just the process of discussion helps people better sort things out. In hindsight I would have approached the similar challenges I faced much differently had I been thinking about it more. It was a test of the relationship and a test of my abilities to manage conflict. Had we passed rather than failed that test, it may have reshaped the relationship. If nothing else, I would have made her feel more important regardless of the decisions made (the art of saying no is getting the other person to be ok with it). Of course, a relationship isn't very strong if it is all pending on one such experience. But who are you to tell others what is and isn't a valuable learning experience and worth discussing? No one said we're going to solve all problems. But it's negative to say it won't make any difference. It's worth it even if it helps a little. It's also worth it if it helps to recognize an incompatibility. The incompatibility could be with preferences but more importantly it could be a power struggle. Both are better recognized sooner than later so shame on you for saying this discussion is useless.
    Last edited by August West; 05-12-2019 at 02:13 AM.

  6. #36
    Senior Member pfcs49's Avatar
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    NW NJ ***********T12 cmplt since 95
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    IMO having a relationship requires risk-taking and trusting. In the course of creating out barnhouse we crossed swords many times and sometimes there was some anger and desperation! But we hung in and decided what hill was worth dying on And what one wasn?t and create a better relationship and a wonderful space to live in.

    Somewhere along the line we adopted the idea of living our lives out of abundance. I hunch you are fighting over scraps and being in deprivation. This cannot end well! When I remind myself that I am complete and full and abundant and all my needs are being met suddenly the color of the floor isn?t so important, and is it really? My advice would be to be gentle and generous and to let go!
    I often find that I get my power back by giving it up.
    69yo male T12 complete since 1995
    NW NJ

  7. #37
    RJC, have you two considered looking at other floor covering choices than your personal favorites? Also, is ceramic tile an option? Pricy but very permanent and great to roll on. We got ours about 25 years ago in living room, dining room; wood flooring in bedroom, berber carpet in guest bedroom.

  8. #38
    Quote Originally Posted by triumph View Post
    RJC, have you two considered looking at other floor covering choices than your personal favorites? Also, is ceramic tile an option? Pricy but very permanent and great to roll on. We got ours about 25 years ago in living room, dining room; wood flooring in bedroom, berber carpet in guest bedroom.
    Sorry, decided to delete my comments.
    Last edited by gjnl; 05-12-2019 at 11:09 PM.

  9. #39
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    OK well first off you don?t break up an engagement over floor color. And just because she and I have differing opinions on what the floor colour should be doesn't mean we?re not compatible.

    The reality of this house is it is my project in many ways because I had it under way before I met her. And certain things can't be changed because of that. The location where I purchased my lot. The overall design of the house. But yes other things I can try to mould to make it feel like her home as well which I?m trying very hard to do.

    Dark hardwood is out because it shows up dirt and scratches easily. That leaves light to medium tones. From everything I've read online by simply searching hardwood floor trends and from what the guy on the weekend told me in the flooring store greys are trending out and will continue to do so over the next couple years. Light natural woods are starting to trend back in including blondes. These are a more traditional classical look. I know my fiance doesn't favour that look. But in my opinion she should be able to have some understanding of that in terms of a smart investment for cost. When you're putting something for the long term that you don't want to have to change because it's a major expense you go with a colour that place to as many options as possible. Light hardwood allows more options than those gray. The fact that Gray is trending out means in a worst-case scenario if she had to sell the house if I croaked or we needed to downsize somewhere or wanted to reverse mortgage it down the line having a more appealing look to a greater segment would give it a greater value.

    Gray is already a dull colour . The more it gets worn with use the more worn out it's gonna look. A light wood can be stained easier to give it a different look if you want down the line. My fiance doesn't like the yellows in light wood but you can pick a flatter look without the yellow Hues... you can also pick a more Matt finish.

    She'd like to get a big dog down the line which is going to scratch up the floor. The guy in the flooring stores said a light natural oak hides that really well and can be touched up really well

    If this was built before she met me she would've simply moved in and it wouldn't of been a conversation point, It just would've been.

    She suffers from anxiety issues and doesn't like stressful situations where she has to make a lot of decisions. Already said she feels overwhelmed trying to help me make decisions on this house. And she said she doesn't want to fight for the next seven months and flippantly said just do whatever you want to do it'll be fine. And she's told me she likes that compared to her ex-husband I'm the man in the relationship and I make decisions so she doesn't have to. Given all that and given the fact that I'm footing the bill on this build 100% I need to make a decision I can live with. I need to choose something that I think is the best choice. Both financially and from a standpoint of flexibility for remodelling down the line when new furniture and new fixtures and cabinets and stuff need to be painted. That will eventually happen over the next 40 years.

    I am still trying hard to find a compromise on the colour with her but if she keeps staying on a polar opposite with wanting the gray at some point I need to cut it one way or another and make a decision. I don't think given that I've told her she can basically do everything else decoration wise how she wants from the bathrooms , to the upstairs bedrooms , to furniture , fixtures , you name it that I haven't been more than reasonable in extending a very big olive branch in my opinion. And the ironic thing I find is in her bedroom in her apartment her dresser nightstand and Book Shelf are all in the light wood colour that I'm suggesting ... as is the kitchen table she has that was a gift from her sister. Everything else she owns is predominately darks like chocolates and browns and dark greys that are really dark and gold and silver's all of which sit nicely on old light hardwood coloured floor. And all that stuff is moving in as the beginning furniture

    For whoever it was that indicated I was simply valuing her worth in this relationship based on her monetary provision to this house build you're dead wrong and that's kind of insulting to hear you even say that. But I treat her incredibly well. She has a 1 carat diamond on her finger. We're planning the wedding that's bigger and more in the sense that she wants and than I really do. I tend to concede just about everything to her desire short of a few things. So it's not like I'm dominating the decisions for what we do in this relationship by any means

    In any relationship there are eventually topics that couples and up on opposite sides of the fence... And sooner or later you have to have somebody fold and just concede to the other person. If she gave me a better argument than I was giving her right now I would concede. But simply saying I like greys I don't really like Lightwoods isn't much of an argument at this point imho.

    And FYI this conversation wasn't supposed to turn into a bash of my fiance or my relationship... It was me seeking advice to try to find a compromise and to try to find out if others had some difficulties with their partners on things such as this.

    Regarding considering ceramic tile throughout the house I broached that subject with her and she didn't think it would look that great given the size of our house and the layout ... And we both kind of agreed it would be rather cold ... we don't have in floor heating
    Last edited by RJC; 05-13-2019 at 11:39 AM.

  10. #40
    Quote Originally Posted by RJC View Post
    OK well first off you don?t break up an engagement over floor color. And just because she and I have differing opinions on what the floor colour should be doesn't mean we?re not compatible.

    The reality of this house is it is my project in many ways because I had it under way before I met her. And certain things can't be changed because of that. The location where I purchased my lot. The overall design of the house. But yes other things I can try to mould to make it feel like her home as well which I?m trying very hard to do.

    Dark hardwood is out because it shows up dirt and scratches easily. That leaves light to medium tones. From everything I've read online by simply searching hardwood floor trends and from what the guy on the weekend told me in the flooring store greys are trending out and will continue to do so over the next couple years. Light natural woods are starting to trend back in including blondes. These are a more traditional classical look. I know my fiance doesn't favour that look. But in my opinion she should be able to have some understanding of that in terms of a smart investment for cost. When you're putting something for the long term that you don't want to have to change because it's a major expense you go with a colour that place to as many options as possible. Light hardwood allows more options than those gray. The fact that Gray is trending out means in a worst-case scenario if she had to sell the house if I croaked or we needed to downsize somewhere or wanted to reverse mortgage it down the line having a more appealing look to a greater segment would give it a greater value.

    Gray is already a dull colour . The more it gets worn with use the more worn out it's gonna look. A light wood can be stained easier to give it a different look if you want down the line. My fiance doesn't like the yellows in light wood but you can pick a flatter look without the yellow Hues... you can also pick a more Matt finish.

    She'd like to get a big dog down the line which is going to scratch up the floor. The guy in the flooring stores said a light natural oak hides that really well and can be touched up really well

    If this was built before she met me she would've simply moved in and it wouldn't of been a conversation point, It just would've been.

    She suffers from anxiety issues and doesn't like stressful situations where she has to make a lot of decisions. Already said she feels overwhelmed trying to help me make decisions on this house. And she said she doesn't want to fight for the next seven months and flippantly said just do whatever you want to do it'll be fine. And she's told me she likes that compared to her ex-husband I'm the man in the relationship and I make decisions so she doesn't have to. Given all that and given the fact that I'm footing the bill on this build 100% I need to make a decision I can live with. I need to choose something that I think is the best choice. Both financially and from a standpoint of flexibility for remodelling down the line when new furniture and new fixtures and cabinets and stuff need to be painted. That will eventually happen over the next 40 years.

    I am still trying hard to find a compromise on the colour with her but if she keeps staying on a polar opposite with wanting the gray at some point I need to cut it one way or another and make a decision. I don't think given that I've told her she can basically do everything else decoration wise how she wants from the bathrooms , to the upstairs bedrooms , to furniture , fixtures , you name it that I haven't been more than reasonable in extending a very big olive branch in my opinion. And the ironic thing I find is in her bedroom in her apartment her dresser nightstand and Book Shelf are all in the light wood colour that I'm suggesting ... as is the kitchen table she has that was a gift from her sister. Everything else she owns is predominately darks like chocolates and browns and dark greys that are really dark and gold and silver's all of which sit nicely on old light hardwood coloured floor. And all that stuff is moving in as the beginning furniture

    For whoever it was that indicated I was simply valuing her worth in this relationship based on her monetary provision to this house build you're dead wrong and that's kind of insulting to hear you even say that. But I treat her incredibly well. She has a 1 carat diamond on her finger. We're planning the wedding that's bigger and more in the sense that she wants and than I really do. I tend to concede just about everything to her desire short of a few things. So it's not like I'm dominating the decisions for what we do in this relationship by any means

    In any relationship there are eventually topics that couples and up on opposite sides of the fence... And sooner or later you have to have somebody fold and just concede to the other person. If she gave me a better argument than I was giving her right now I would concede. But simply saying I like greys I don't really like Lightwoods isn't much of an argument at this point imho.

    And FYI this conversation wasn't supposed to turn into a bash of my fiance or my relationship... It was me seeking advice to try to find a compromise and to try to find out if others had some difficulties with their partners on things such as this.

    Regarding considering ceramic tile throughout the house I broached that subject with her and she didn't think it would look that great given the size of our house and the layout ... And we both kind of agreed it would be rather cold ... we don't have in floor heating
    You asked an open ended question seeking "Advise" on this forum about a choice of flooring in your house and (as some perceived it) the power struggle you are having with your girlfriend.

    Don't chastise and berate members on this forum with your diatribe above, who have taken the time to read what you have posted, considered your situation, weighed in, and given their honest opinion because these are opinions you don't wish to hear.

    Ask a question on this or any other forum and be ready to hear the opinions you get.
    Last edited by gjnl; 05-13-2019 at 11:31 PM.

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